Yes!

Life is good. I checked grades today and actually didn't do too shabby this past semester. Granted, I did fail my stats class but that really didn't surprise me. I was only passing by a few points so I knew if I didn't do really well on the exam, I was screwed. I walked out of there knowing I was screwed so I resigned myself to that fate weeks ago. My law grade was also resting on my final having failed the midterm and gotten an A on the paper. Lucky me though I knew what I was talking about and got a B. :D Now we're just waiting on the lsat scores...those could be interesting. *fingers crossed*

I'm such a stupid girl I think maybe Katy Perry's song fits me better than him. I can't make up my mind; it's like I've given up on the whole situation and then I say well no, and go right back. blah So now here I am again with my mind and heart doing battles with each other and every time my heart wins. Every time. lol

Now mom and I have spent the entire day cleaning and redoing the dining room. We are completely redoing it: paint, wallpaper, rug, everything. It looks really good, at least what we have done so far. Tomorrow we'll finish cleaning and mom will do the cooking for whn Caleb's godparents come over. Should be fun. :)

Exams

Two exams done, one to go. Well, technically two to go but the other one I take at home and then just have to come back on Thursday and turn it in. I think I did well today which I am very happy about. I was more concerned with my law exam than my German exam. Most of the law stuff seemed like common sense but you never know when a teacher is going to send you through a loop. So I was kind of nervous but just told myself I knew what I was talking about, if I thought about it, I should get it. So, I got the exam and there were 4 essays, one was chosen that we had to do, we got to pick which of the other three we wanted to do. I wrote my ten page paper on international humanitarian law and got an A, so I know my stuff there. So I look at the essays and guess whats on there: international law of human rights. It's basically the same thing; I was so happy I could cry. lol Then I thought well I've got one, what about the mandatory one, that's where teachers usually get you. It was on the use of force. That was like all common sense so I was happy all over again. I really think I did well...hopefully anyways. :)

Then German really wasn't too shabby; I remembered my verbs and I think my two essays were decent enough. I was running out of things to say so I just started blabbing. Apparently my sister and I flew to Germany so we could get our nails painted and I could get my bellybutton pierced. Obviously none of it really has to make sense, it just has to show we know the vocab and grammer. Grammer more than anything. So yeah, over all it was a good day. Considering I really didn't prepare for either one, I just told myself I knew it and not to stress out and it worked. :) Now I have statistics for the next exam...there I'm screwed. Im just passing the class right now so this exam could make or break me. That I really will study and I really will stress. Such is life though...just counting down the semesters until I'm out.

The Dark Knight

I just finished watching The Dark Knight and yes, it is as good as everyone is making it out to be. It's creepy but portrays a rather dark, yet realistic, view of humanity. Still there were the bright moments where you realize not everyone is bad and maybe the world isn't going to hell in a hand basket quite as soon as we thought. Good movie...if you haven't seen it yet, go rent it. Go buy it; I want to.

So today was my Gramma's funeral. I put on my black and white dress, black nylons, this black shawl like sweater that I just bought and of course my black heels. Yeah, all day in heels, wandering back and forth and chasing after a one year old...probably not a good idea...no, definitely not a good idea. Yeah, I looked great, all coordinated and whatnot but my feet were killing me at the end of it all...actually my feet still hurt. That's alright, show the fam I'm all grown up, have a child and still look good...so take that. :P Nah, they were alright. My 2nd cousin couldn't believe it; he hadn't seen me since I was a little kid so he recognized my sister but for the longest time couldn't figure out who I was. It was only after my mom and I went over that I was reintroduced and he was like no way... That was amusing. The funeral went well over all; I froze outside while they were putting the coffin in the ground and just sat there shivering. Then we had a luncheon and all the food was really good. So it was pretty much an all day event. I didn't study for geology, I didn't work on my speech exam and I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to be doing in German tomorrow. Lucky me though has long bus rides so I can study on my way to school.

Then this evening I had to go back to school to participate in this study for my speech class; its worth 35 points of my grade so it's kind of important. It was asking all these things about if you've ever been in love, how many times, describe how you and first love met, are you two still in touch, have you ever been in a complicated relationship...blah blah blah. I sat there mildly amused thinking well this is fitting. So I wrote out this long spiel over these questions, one after the other. I've only been in love once so luckily I only had to go through all these once. She wanted different sets done for different people you'd been in love with. Seeing as I didn't have any other comparisons then I didn't have to worry about those sections. It took me an hour, rehashing on paper three years condensed of the time I knew the one that was so important to me. After that I came home, crashed and watched the movie with mom and now I am off to bed. I'll probably get about 4 hours of sleep as usual...

One Hell of a Weekend

Well I wasted my entire day Saturday taking the LSAT. It was only this year that I seriously considered law school. I'd like to go into international law or maybe corporate law. So I payed the 200 bucks (I was late signing up so I had to pay extra...I'm an idiot, I know) and went with a friend to the testing center. We saw one of his friends there...very good looking dude. We'll go liberal and say he was downright hot. lol So of course, my last name is at the front of the alphabet, both of their last names were at the end so I had to go to a different line and then we sat on opposite sides of the room. Grand total, from the time I left my house to the time I came home, I was gone 7 hours. It was one freakin long day.

The test comprised of 5 sections, multiple choice and an essay. Some of it was pretty easy, like the reading section. Essentially, if you can read a couple paragraphs and have some understanding of what was written, you can answer the questions. The logic section was definitely more difficult. Some parts were kind of easy, the answer would make sense, other questions I just had to take a complete stab in the dark. Another section was looking at sort of arguments and analyzing what the one person was saying in relation to the other. The other two sections were pure evil. It would be these arguments or stories and they would have all the answers essentially saying the same thing and you had to try to decide which one fit best. It was like A) most of the marbles are blue B) most of the marbles are red C) most of the marbles are red but some are blue D) most of the marbles are blue but some are red...And of course the question offers no clue, only that you have two different kinds of marbles. I had two sections of that. When I flipped open the next section to see it was those same things all over again I could have cried. I remember sitting there thinking, well, there went my score. lol Who knows though, maybe I'll get lucky.

Then, I come out, we get in the car and I have three messages from my mom. My gramma had died; she was 94. My mom was really upset about it but I actually wasn't. She has wanted to die for many years and she was so old, she could barely feed herself anymore so it was time. She was not young, she was not robbed of her life, she was old and didn't remember anything anymore. So I looked at it and said well, it was time. Poor mom is still upset so I'm really just there to support her.

Mom and I actually didn't fight this weekend, really just because so much was going on and we were both upset about a lot. I had the huge falling out with my now ex-friend on Friday which just tore me to pieces so my mom was really there to support me through that. Then I was gone taking the LSAT Saturday and my gramma died so there was certainly nothing to fight about there. Then Sunday we found out my sister broke up with her boyfriend whom she had been dating for quite a while, really loved and we thought they might get married. He apparently though wasn't taking her seriously and was sort of taking advantage of her. I don't mean like using her, but like, he would only call when he had a minute, like when he was waiting for a bus; she wasn't a priority for him and she deserves better than that. So my sister and I both lost our guys...sort of ironic I suppose. Sunday mom and I went out shopping; I got a few shirts on sale for a great deal then mom and I went home, made somosas and these little cheese rolls, it's brie and a raspberry compote rolled inside fillo dough...it's amazing, from Trader Joe's. So we had those, watching the movie Iron Man (which is really good) and just chilled. She was still upset about gramma, I was still upset the dude, it was just a not so hot weekend. So of course I did absolutely nothing and I have to give a speech this morning (it's part of a group), take a couple German quizes, write my poli sci paper which is due tomorrow and of course I get my law paper back today which I'm still not sure I want. It should be an interesting day...

Therapy

I swear, men and I just don't seem to mix very well. It's like, I find one and I want him but he doesn't want me, or I find one I want, he claims to want me but then acts like an ass, or I find one that wants me and I don't want him. What happened to me finding someone I want who likewise wanted me in the same manner? I must be asking too much.

I honestly thought I had found the last one, maybe with a few quirks, but there nonetheless. Well, shows what I know. lol He reminds me of Katy Perry's song, Hot N Cold. It fits him quite well actually. So we got in a spat, I felt he was hitting on a friend of mine (I don't care what he says, he was...offering to pay for a plane ticket to fly a person down to see you is flirting) so I told him I thought it was interesting to say the least. The weekend he can't come see me he suddenly invites a friend of mine to go see him. Fishy...and I've asked around, I'm not the only one that sees it that way.

So I brought that up, I was direct but not nasty. Damn did he bite my head off. He told me it was none of my business what he was doing. Well that was definitely the wrong response. He could have said I had it all wrong, it wasn't really like that, at least come up with some excuse but saying it was none of my business certainly didn't make it seem any less fishy. Then he referred to me (and my friend) as fucking idiots, really just told me off. All this shit he rants about and then says, "go fuck ur self and go ask her to fuck her as well." Really. I was initially in shock and then started to cry. (I seem to cry a lot with him, pathetic I know.) I would never ever tell someone I cared about to go fuck themselves...ever. I wouldn't even say that to my dogs. Here was someone I was looking at as a potential spouce (I certainly loved him enough to want that) and hes told me that I "bombard him with my American values," told me, "to hell with you and what you think," and now, "go fuck yourself." Seems like it's going from bad to worse doesn't it?

I have a young son and the last thing I want is for him to be around some guy that would say those things to me and probably to him. Once a threshold is crossed then it's like all boundaries become null and void, everything and everyone can be under attack at any given moment. He said that and it's like it became solidified in my mind that we really weren't meant to be together. He then tries to make excuses for his behaviour, essentially that I made him react the way he did. That's a bullshit excuse and he knows it. I'm not even going to reply to that; it's not worth my time. So I've spent the good part of the evening clearing out my tear ducts so they're nice and clean. Now it's really just the closing paragraph: the closing of a close friendship, the closing of a true love, the closing of a hopeful future. It's now just closed.

Pissed

So this morning I totally got screwed...no, not in a good way. I get up, start the usual morning routine and my mom was also up. She started letting dogs out so I helped while I was racing around getting ready for school. Then, I was running late so I raced out the door while trying to put my gloves on, carry my heavy bag and check my watch. I ran about half way up the street then called my mom to tell her the girls were still outside and needed to be brought in. Then she gets on the phone and was like, oh didn't you notice, I'm not at home...I'm in Florence (a town like ten minutes from my town). I was like what?? She said I hadn't done the things she wanted me to (bathing one dog and brushing another) so she was leaving. I wasn't doing what she expected of me so she wasn't going to do what I expected of her. ie: Her staying home with Caleb while I'm at school. So, I had to turn around and walk back home absolutely furious. Had she warned me last night that those things needed to be done by morning or else, I would have stayed up all freaking night long rather than miss classes. Every single one of them take attendance and I've used now 2 of the 3 free days before my grade drops. The first time was when she had a doctor's appointment and couldn't take Caleb so I stayed home. This was just a stupid reason to miss. So I came home and sent an email to all my professors saying sorry, she bailed on me and at this hour (by now it was 6:20) it's not like I could call anyone to sit with him.

So now I've sort of had the day off. I've been doing the things I was supposed to already have done. I'm still pissed and her whole crap about it being my own fault and if I didn't straighten up and talk to her she'd do it again tomorrow and the day after. (When she originally came home she asked me if the nurse for my Gramma had called and I told her to not even talk to me, just leave me the heck alone...she didn't like that.) So I'm civil enough, if she asks me a question I respond but it's not like I go out of my way to talk to her. I'll do what she asked but I'm not going to apologize for anything and I certainly don't need to sit down and discuss our feelings with each other. She's unhappy with me, got it. I'm furious with her, I'm quite sure she got that. End of discussion. I'll do what she expected, now she can do what I expect and we're even.

My teachers have all been really good with me in understanding my situation with Caleb and her. They've all been satisfied seeing as I sent the email very early and had a legit reason. I've never missed a class other than the one I mentioned so I have a good record with all of them. My geology teacher wrote me back saying he didn't know that I had a kid so we've been talking via email. He has a fourteen year old and I was like shocked. I though he was early 30s, maybe 31? I suppose he could be about that age and just had his son young. Heck I'll be 32 with a 14 year old so it's completely plausible. He's fun to talk to and offered to stay Friday after class and go over everything we did today rather than me just copying notes from someone else which I thought was nice. I've never had a teacher offer that, usually they say just to get notes from someone. I told him I had German right after his class so I couldn't do that. Unless he has free time after that (and before I catch my bus) then I'll copy a friend's notes who's also in the class. So I'm still frustrated with my mother but I'm trying to be civil and at least I know I can catch up relatively easily when I go back in Friday.

Waiting

Something just occured to me the other day; I had been feeling that all hopes for the two of us were lost and I was going to sit in my little woe-to-me world. Then my mom asked me if I thought there was a chance for the two of us, maybe we could end up together. That's what got me thinking. He put on his blog the well known, let love go and if it comes back it was meant to be, otherwise not, kinda deal. How is it that we dated for about a year (not long by most peoples' standards) and are still in touch years later. How is it we get in so many arguments, to the point that we quit speaking for a couple months, but then are able to pick up again right where we left off. I know what it is: love.

I know that I love him and that I see a future with him. I'm certain he still loves me but is afraid of a future with me. I burned him pretty bad and now with an ex-wife, life hasn't gotten any kinder towards him. He said he's not going to go looking for anything, it it happens then he won't stop it. I thought about that and wondered if he was sort of referencing us. When I visited him in Houston when I was still early in my pregnancy, he later told me he had almost proposed. Now, we've gone through all the nitty gritty and he's coming to see me December 5th. I wonder if he'll be looking at it the same way he looked at the situation from Houston. I know he obviously wouldn't be in a rush to propose, after all he's still trying to deal with his ex, but maybe it would give him his own guidance as to whether he really would want to spend the rest of his life with me.

I look at this entire situation though and think ya know, I really think I have him, it's just a matter of time. There is something between us that despite the bad relationships and outcomes, we still come back to each other. I feel that connection that says he's it, he's the one and I just have to wait for it. So wait I will. Sometimes that's really the best thing anyone can do, just sit back and wait for the other person to come to them, knowing it's only a matter of time. :)

Men on the Bus

Well, my mom was right. I rarely admit to that but yes, she's right. There, I said it twice. lol The boy and I broke up, it was very nice, I simply told him I felt he wasn't in the relationship for the right reasons (duh) and he just said ok. He didn't try to ask for specifics or what led me to my conclusions, just said ok and we'd stay friends. I'm sure he knew what I was talking about. So we're done, friends but that's it.

Now, the day I met him there was another good looking African dude sitting there but he didn't talk to me, ex boy did. Since then, I've seen him around and we've started chatting. Last week we were on the bus together because his roommate was borrowing his car for the day. Previous to that the car had been in the shop which was why we met in the first place. So he said once he got his car back he'd be back to driving, lucky him. Then today, I was standing at the bus stop as usual, kind of zoning out, and a car pulled up to the stop. I glance over and it was newbie. (He's from Ghana by the way, nice accent.) He said get in, he'd give me a lift home. I was like score. So I climbed in, he knew how to get to my town so I didn't even have to give directions. He also remembered what it was called which makes me wonder if he didn't look it up online beforehand. lol Who knows, it was just nice to get home early.

We pulled up, I got up and he started to turn around in my neighbor's driveway to leave. My mom was just coming out with the two puppies and was like, what are you doing home? I told her a friend gave me a lift. What friend? Who is that? I don't remember you mentioning him. lol It actually didn't even occur to me until after she brought it up though, I think he lives in Cincinnati because when he's gotten on the bus with me he always leaves to catch *I think* the Cinci bus. Of course, I stop in Cincinnati and then go back into Kentucky from there so I could be wrong. So I think he even went out of his way to take me but I'm not sure. Maybe I was en route, maybe I wasn't. I have to ask him where he lives again. Next thing out of my mom's mouth: Well don't go getting involved with him either, you don't need to be seeing anyone right now. lol I was like yeah, I know. He's good eye candy and I like his accent (me and foreigners...) but that will probably be it.

Now, I have another guy on the bus who doesn't ride all the time but usually I'll see him once a week. He's very quiet and when he used to sit next to me, I'd be looking out the window listening to my ipod and I can see in the window reflection that he'd sit there and keep looking at me. I would then turn my head to look at him and he'd whip his head around and act like he'd been looking elsewhere; it amused me. So two weeks ago I decided to give him a reason to keep looking at me and said hey. I started talking to him, just chit chat, and he reminds me so much of a boy in grade school unsure of how to handle himself around the girls. He's not a bad looking dude, kinda cute actually, in construction, 26 and from Ecuador. I told you...me and foreigners...so we chat, just general crap. So this last time when we were on the bus, I was asking where he came from and if he had family from up here blah blah and there was this older guy sitting by himself in front of us. I saw him look behind at me and he said something and started wagging his finger at me. I was like, what? So I leaned forward and asked what he said. He repeated in his same quiet, mush mouth tone so once again I had no idea. I looked at my dude and he shrugged so we both just laughed. I was probably getting reprimanded for talking to a guy I didn't know. lol

So now I have men crawling out of the woodwork. I have someone on the bus that usually talks to me about something, be in politics or as was the case today, dogs. (This guy's dog is a holy terror and I was trying to tell him how to fix the problem but he's a nimwit and I know he won't do what I told him.) It's amazing the people you'll meet on the bus, mine just seem to be all men. lol

Upset

Well the day went from being pretty decent to downright sucky. I got my stats quiz back, got a ten so I was very happy about that. My boy had a meeting so I just had to see him after classes were over and before I went to catch my bus. So we met in the library like we usually do and sat and talked. He had to wait around for some later meeting so that was why he actually had time to sit and chat. lol

He started telling me about how worried he is regarding money for next semeseter. He doesn't have any loans, no job and school is expensive. So, he's stressed. I remember at one point he had said the easiest way to obtain citizenship was being married to a citizen. I laughed and told him I couldn't understand how people could do that. I knew what he was insinuating but didn't want to go there. So then today, we're talking, he's stressed and we started walking towards the bus stop. I tried to reassure him that he was intelligent and would figure something out. He kept saying he didn't know how. So we got to the bus stop and he pulled me away from the group and looked at me. I thought, oh God, what's going through his mind? He said that he really did care about me...marriage. bingo, that's what he was thinking about. So he cares, he does love me and wants to be there to support me and have a good job, yadda yadda. I heard most of it but was like oh God, don't say it, don't say it. Then he sort of stopped and lowered his voice and said we could hit a drivethrough. First off, I've never heard of a drive through wedding so I decided to play dumb even though I knew what he meant.

I just said, drive through? What, like for food? I laughed and he just smiled and said no. I continued to play stupid. That's when he said no, a wedding, marriage. I sort of laughed (sort of) and said that wasn't a wedding. I said when I get married I want a real wedding and of course, weddings take money so that would just have to wait. He said that he didn't know what else to do. I said, again, that he was intelligent and to pray, God would help him. I know that wasn't the response he was looking for but I don't know how he would expect me to just say ok, lets get married, how's Saturday? So as the bus was pulling up, I gave him a kiss and told him not to worry too much, just keep working and he'd figure something out. As I started to walk away he grabbed my hand and asked me to at least think about it. I said ok, he asked if I really would think about it and said again, please think about it. I said ok and got on the bus.

As I was on the bus I did think about it. I thought about what a mess I manage to often get myself in. Here I still love one guy, get totally shot down, then have another I genuinely like only to have him, the very next day, essentially propose. I was like oh God. So I got home and somehow brought up the topic of the two of us. Nothing even remotely close to marriage, just general talking. My mom like flipped out on me. She went on about how I don't need to be in a relationship with anyone, we should just be friends. I told her I liked him, what was the problem. She said I wasn't caring about my son. I asked what he had to do with it and she yelled back that he has everything to do with it. I said he was well aware of Caleb's existence and that he was my top priority. She said it didn't sound like it and turned away.

I then asked what that was supposed to mean. She said it just sounded like I was bouncing from relationship to relationship. I had one with my older ex, we split, over a year later I dated my last ex (Caleb's father) it's been over a year since we split and now I'm interested in someone else. She makes it sound like every other month I have someone new. Then she brought up the fact that he's foreign and I think this is probably what gets me most of all.

He is from Kenya so obviously, he's very black. Obviously, I am white and obviously Caleb is white. I never thought my mom was racist in any way, really didn't...until today. She kept bringing up the fact that he's foreign, it would be glaringly obvious that Caleb isn't his, on and on. I said he already knew I had a child from the very beginning so if that were going to be a problem, he wouldn't have continued talking to me. He also knows Caleb is my everything and he doesn't take that lightly. So she mentioned that if we did stay together, what about future kids. It would be obvious that Caleb had a different father. I asked what that mattered, Caleb would be treated the same as any other kids. She said oh right, ask Caleb that when he's older. I so much wanted to shoot back that she was sounding like a racist bitch and what, ask him to hold off for another ten years so I can then ask Caleb, by the way, he loves you as if you were his own son and he loves me so is it ok if we actually get married? At this time, I can't really say I love him but he is the type that I can love. Then she asked what happens when he decides to go home. I reminded her that I already asked him about that and he had said if he finds someone here he would stay, after all there are a lot more opportunities for him here than back home. So then she brought up the fact that maybe he stays (assuming he doesn't give in to family pressure to return home which I highly doubt that he would) but then the family decides to move here. Oh great, she said, then you'd have a whole bunch of people from his family deciding to move in and then what? I was speechless. Her whole scenario was so rediculous I couldn't even think of what to say. Even if his family were to come to the States, that does not mean they just move in with us. Where on earth she pulled that out of I have no idea. Her ass maybe?

Overall I was really upset. She mentioned the fact that I have slept with my last two exes and so now I have a pattern, it was sounding sleezy. Yeah first it was (my first ex) and you got all fat and stupid with him, then it was the other idiot (my recent ex) and you screwed him. So now what? You gonna screw him too? I was like omfg. I actually started to cry, no she couldn't see me, but I did. She called me sleezy, fat and stupid and makes it sound like I'm some crap mom that doesn't give a rat's ass about her kid. Then she insults my guy on the fact that hes black, foreign and 26. Not like he can do much about it...but apparently it's enough to hold against him. I'm really just flabbergasted at her and how she could say those things to me. Apparently I can only marry a guy that would give me white kids with blue eyes and brown/blonde hair. Sounds like I should just go back to my ex, then all kids would look the same and have the same father, right? I'm upset with everything. ugh.

Duh

I should really just wear a big sign on my forehead reading "dumbass." I swear, why I let my mind and heart run rampant is beyond me. I write all this crap about the ex I still love and why? Why bother hanging on to the past; it never does anyone any good. I was hanging on to it and just got my ass kicked. Totally and completely kicked.

I asked him why he wanted to see me, really, why. He just sort of started rambling about how complicated everything was. Right away I was like, God Leah, you really are an idiot. Here I was thinking I could still have a future with him and why? God only knows what was going through my head. He said he's fresh out of the divorce (duh) and he will be traveling a lot for the next two years. Of course I didn't tell him that I would move for him, it obviously doesn't matter. He said he didn't want to give me false hopes but really it was me giving myself false hope. Hence the dumbass sign. And he's "not in a mindset to get into another anytime soon." (relationship wise) He also can't commit. Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass. God.

So there, get myself crushed and he tells me not to be pissy. I told him he never gets the full story for me, usually because I'm very vulnerable and why bother showing that when I'll just get shot down? I told him about my current dude and said there, has your decision changed all the sudden? He said no and so I said that's why I don't tell him everything. It doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything. Then he says it looks like I don't want to talk to him so he quits talking to me. It's like, what does he want me to say? I'm crushed, hurt, missing him and acting like a dumbass? What's the point of that?? I tried to tell him he never gets the full picture with me and he seemed offended by that but that's the truth. I won't open myself completely to be rejected. I'm incredibly hurt and he doesn't even know the half of it. Then he gets irritated with me. I don't know what to tell him. Nothing I say will make a difference so why waste my breath? Argh. I'm just such a bloody dumbass I can't believe I let my mind wander so aimlessly.

Fun Fun

Well today was a rather fun day, surprisingly enough. I actually did well on my stats quiz; that I'm positive on. I managed to stay awake through poli sci, also an accomplishment, and then got to see my boy at the end of the day. He was staying for a meeting later in the day so it sucked for him in that he had to wait around forever, good for me (and him) on the other hand because I got to see him for a while before I had to catch the bus.

We figured since we had some time, we should have some fun, right? I had a place in mind but of course some performance had to be going on so the place was packed. We wandered around for a little while looking for a place and couldn't seem to find anything. Then I started talking to a girl from high school and he wandered off on his own. He came back a while later and said he had an idea. I left my girl and followed him. He had it wrong initially, it wasn't an actual room, so he pulled me into this separate part of the building which seemed secluded enough and told me to go in. I told him we really didn't have time anymore because I had to catch my bus. He said oh well and pulled me in to him. He had a very nice hard on and he started kissing me. I felt him starting to undo his jeans and I thought he was in for a nice bj. Well, I was wrong. It was like he was first undoing his and kissing me, then the next thing I knew he was undoing my belt and my pants were off. I was like holy fuck that was fast. I can't get my own pants off that fast. lol

I told him I didn't want to do that, too easy to get caught and I wasn't comfortable. He kept saying no, he was so horny, he had to feel his cock inside me. As all this was going on he was trying to pull my pants down further while I was trying to hold them up. He shoved his fingers in me and felt how wet I was, sort of moaned and grabbed his cock. He tried to shove it in my pussy but the angle was all wrong, especially seeing as my pants weren't completely off so it was even harder. I thought he'd give it up but no, he lifted my leg, tried to pull my pants further down (as I tried to pull them up...again) and started rubbing his cock around my pussy. God I was horny. I tilted my pelvis forward some and felt him start to enter me.

Now, a while back I had commented on him saying he was well endowed. He certainly wasn't lying. lol It was hard to see his actual length seeing as he was trying to shove it in my pussy. His girth though...holy crap. I couldn't take him, the angle was bad so I was tight anyways and damn hes big. I was like, ow, and had to pull back. He just kept saying baby no and trying to pull me back to his cock. He said he was so close, he just wanted to fuck me. I saw his body tense and then shudder and all the sudden he pulled back and grabbed his cock. At first I was like what the heck, then realized he had actually cum. This was all in the time span of like two minutes? Maybe a little more? So of course that made me horny as fuck, I had to go catch my bus, and I desperately wanted to be fucked but wasn't comfortable actually getting fucked in a public building at school. lol The chances of being caught were slim but still...bj is easy enough to conceal, being completely pantsless with a cock inside me and having an orgasm (I know it wouldn't take me long at all by that point) would be a lot more difficult to bluff my way out of.

So after that we left, I went to catch the bus and had missed it. I then was tempted to go back and say damnit we need to go have some more fun. I was afraid I'd miss it though; the next came in a half hour and by time I went back and got him, went back to the building, had any proper fun and then tried to get back to the bus stop, I'd probably miss that bus too. So I sat and froze my ass off. I called him and told him he'd made me miss my bus and would have to make it up to me. He agreed no problem. ;) So anyways, he is well endowed, I'm horny and would love to be fucking him right now. *sigh*

Confusion

My mind is so confused as of late I hardly know what to think. Even just a week ago I was happy enough with life and now everything has gone topsy-turvy. I have my current boy; he's really great, adores me and has a lot of potential. I look at him and I see a bright future. He has the drive and intelligence needed to succeed and he seems, in general, to be very stable. So I look at him and say yeah, I think we could work. He always asks me about Caleb; I don't think there would be a problem when it would be glaringly obvious that he isn't the father. He is also supportive of numbnuts being involved in Caleb's life seeing as he is the father. So here I have this great guy and my head is still spinning.


Now I've got my ex back in my life. (Not numbnuts although he is now back as well...more on that later.) I know he still loves me and despite how hard I may try to fight it, I still love him. I love him as much as I ever have. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel but what do we do from here? He doesn't know I'm involved with anyone else and truth is, I'd leave my current guy for him. That hardly seems fair considering the current one is smitten with me but my heart is elsewhere. I remeber falling asleep next to him and waking up to have our morning coffee. I would love to feel his arms around me now, more than anyone. This makes me think that I have met the man I am supposed to spend my life with when it has been years since we dated and months since we've even talked and yet I still love him as much (or maybe more) as I did when we were dating.

He's now in Malaysia and it's looking like his company is going to want to keep him there for 6-8 months. I wouldn't be surprised though if at the end they tell him they want him to stay there on a permanent basis, or at least for a few more years. I just sit there and think well fuck. I don't know if he'd come back to see me; I don't know if he'd still want to see me in December; I don't know if we did make it work if he would come back to the States or if I would suddenly be moving to Malaysia. *groan* I don't know; it's killing me. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about him and now I seem to think about him even more. That definitely isn't a good sign for me and current dude. lol I guess at this point I just have to play it by ear but who knows. Maybe we aren't meant to be together and so all of these things that seem to keep coming up is just showing that. Yet the fact that I was willing to move to Houston for him and would now consider moving to Malaysia for him I think says something. It's not like Malaysia has been on the top of my list of places to visit, let alone live. If that's where he is though, that's where I'd go.

I don't know what to do. I wish he would give me some more direction rather than leaving me to my own devises which he probably views as something good, you know, giving me my space. Truth is, right now I'd like him to just tell me point blank what he wants. That would help me make my own decisions seeing as they could be life changing. (Depending on what he tells me.) So, now I wait. It's hard with a twelve hour time difference to get much time to talk. I don't know if maybe I should just ask him what he wants from me? Does he want me as his wife, fuck buddy or just friend? Those are three very different positions and my life changes would depend on the answer. (Or maybe my lack of life changes would depend on the answer.) I wish I could talk to him normally, not having to worry about time difference crap; phone would be nice as well but I'll take the computer if he can manage to get on and talk. :)

Yet Again...

So, a couple months ago I spilled my sob story here about my old love and then ex-friend. Since then, I've gotten a few generic forward emails, nothing personal. Then today, I, along with everyone else in his address book, got an email saying he was leaving for Malasia and Singapore and here was his new phone number. I debated writing him but wondered if I really wanted to open that door again. I asked my mom (shes essentially my shrink lol) and she said it was up to me. Not very helpful. So I sent just a quick note saying good luck and to be careful. Two sentences, that was it. He responded saying he'd like to talk to me and asked for my number. I, somewhat jokingly asked if he'd already deleted me and then gave it to him. He just said not to get pissy and he'd call me in a bit.


Sure enough, he called. He sounded happy enough on the phone, I doubt I sounded all that perky. Truth is, I wasn't sure what to think. I remember quite well how nasty he had been with me and how hurt I was but I also remember what we used to be. So I sat there in the middle, talked as if I was simply talking with an acquaintance, certainly not an old friend. He sort of mentioned that things were rough for him, especially since we'd last talked a few months back. He left it open for me to ask about what hapened but I didn't. I just said oh, that sucks and moved on.

So now we are talking more. I've let him know some of what I feel and he seemed genuinely surprised at the emotions I never previously showed him. It really isn't my nature to show all my emotions or cry in front of people. I mentioned that to him and he said I could cry with him but I feel like a nitwit. I can cry in front of my mom and sister but they are really the only ones that see it. So really long story short, I'd say we're friends again. Dynamics are a bit different but still friends.

So now comes the puzzling question of what to do. He wants to come see me in December before my surgery. I don't know how he'd get time off work and be able to get a flight down. Anyways, I've told him no as of this point because I don't know how I'd handle it. He said we could meet as friends but I told him it wouldn't be just that and he knew it just as well as I did. He still doesn't really understand, he accepts it, but doesn't understand. I don't have to see him now to know I still love him as much as I always did. So if I see him again and then that's the end of it, it'll be hard for me all over again.

Now my dilemma begins all over again. I am seeing a great guy who has a lot of potential but I still love another great guy who is living all the potential he's always had. I haven't told him about my current dude, right now I don't see the point and it might only hurt him. I do need to figure something out though preferably sooner rather than later. Newbie is smitten with me and has even said he loves me. I don't think he's known me long enough to really love me but I don't know; only an individual can really know when they are in love and I would hope at 26 he would know the difference. I can't say I love him though because I don't. I have only said that to one person and I said it because I meant it.

He mentioned coming to see me in December before my surgery and as I was talking to my mom, I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. I had always told her (and him) that I needed to see him around Caleb to be fully reassured that he could handle him. I mentioned that to my mom; she said that would mean I have to actually let him come and see how he reacts. So now I don't know what to do with the two men. I can't have both, theres only one I really want but I'm not sure I can have, but am reasonably sure I could be happy with the other. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. So I don't know. I think maybe I should let him come in December, see how it goes. Although I'll then feel like I'm somehow cheating on my current dude. He seems to think he's falling in love with me, he's the type I could fall in love with but my love is still taken by somebody else. Now I wonder what I'll do if I see him in December and (as I'm thinking is highly possible) we decide to work something out. How do I tell current boy? It's like yeah, I really like you, you're very sweet and have great potential, but.... I've told him I've been in love once but never given him the whole story, it's not one he really needs to know. So now if I'm anticipating someone else, it's like I'm cheating on him. Fuck. So now I just play it by ear. *sigh*

New Boy

So I was waiting at the bus stop after school like I always do. It was hot; I was in jeans and a tank top. I walked into the little shelter thing that most bus stops have and sat down next to a black guy. He was dressed nicely, dark slacks and a button down shirt. Considering I was in a tanktop and burning up, I didn't know how he was managing. He sort of smiled and I asked how he wasn't burning up. He said he was very hot so I asked him why he was all dressed up. He said he'd had an interview or something to that affect.

So that's how we started talking. Something really just clicked between us; it's rather hard to describe. He liked my sunglasses (they're pink, go figure) so he tried them on and took a pic. I said very few men would admit to wearing pink sunglasses until I saw that his phone was a pink color and just started laughing. So we talked for the next half hour while waiting for the bus then sat together for the ride to downtown. We exchanged numbers and have been talking every day since.

He's from Kenya, been here just over a month. He's tall, dark and handsome. ;) I swear, I have a thing for foreign guys. I've dated two Koreans, an Indian and now an African. Oh yeah, dated two Americans. lol He's very intelligent, I enjoy learning about his culture and while not too much surprises him about America (heck, everyone around the world knows about us) he still enjoys asking me about things here that he doesn't have back home. He's one of the very few that I can talk to on the phone multiple times a day and not get irritated or bored.

He knows about Caleb and the situation with my ex. I am always upfront about that; the last thing I need is to really like someone and then they find out I have a kid and go running for the hills. It didn't phase him one bit and he too is amazed at the stupidity of my ex. Of course, everyone I've told about the situation has been shocked by how stupid and what an ass he really is. How I slept with him I still haven't figured out, and there are plenty of people who have questioned that...

So while we aren't *technically* an official item, we're pretty much together. My Indian ex, I don't think we really became "official" in the essence that one asked the other, it just started and continued. I got the same feeling with new guy as I did him. It's hard to explain but it's just one of those things that when you find it, it just feels right. I think about my ex a lot (not numbnuts, my most recent ex) and how I felt with him. While my guy really just brightens my day, I still think of the ex. I guess he's still going through the process of his divorce. There are times I want to call him or send him a message, just let him know I still think about him and hope he's doing well. Then I remember what he said to me and how crystal clear he made his feelings known and then I push the thought from my mind. That door was closed, why try to open it again? I see many similarities between the two men; they're only a couple years apart, and the way they both treated me, like I was their princess feels amazing.

So, I can see us lasting for quite a while. He knows my past and that I've screwed up in more than one area. While neither of us has seen the other's bad side, he knows where mine lies. Whenever he's asked about my ex I can hear in my own voice the almost hatred, the frustration and even the hurt. I can hear it, I know he can too. I've told him that this topic, especially when I'm in the thick of it and having to appear in court with him trying to take my boy away from me, is going to be a very frustrating. I told him that is when my bad side will show so I apologize in advance. He just said he understood and would probably feel the same way if he were in my position. He said he would be there to support me and just listen while I gripe. Sometimes that's all you need. I know it's going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for me. One minute I'm going to want to kill him, the next I'll be ready to break down in tears. I know that's what I'll do. Still, he knows all this and takes me as I am. While I always felt my Indian ex took me as I am, he couldn't handle my son. In a way I could understand, it would be hard for many men. Then...then he insulted my being American. Bad move. That made me question if he had always accepted me as is. It's glaringly obvious that I'm American. (Even if people do ask if I'm Chinese...) Why he would ever bring that distinction up I still don't understand.

New boy actually asked me if I, or my mom, would have an issue with my seeing a black guy. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I just said no, why would it be a problem? He just sort of shrugged and said he was just wondering. I told him the only thing that would bother both me and the family would be if he were to suddenly come to me and confess that he was actually a woman. He just burst out laughing; I thought he was going to fall over. I said that would be a problem but I was going to trust that he is in fact a man in which case all is well. He laughed again and reassured me that no, he's definitely all man. Right away, I could tell he was confident...you know what that means. ;)

So while it is still early for knowing each other, there is something special there; I can feel it. It's the same feeling I got with my other ex and I got to the point that I wanted to marry him. Of course this was before the giant fiasco that killed that thought and also our friendship. So we shall see where this takes us. He's 26, not too old (even though my mom questions it) but I prefer an older man, more mature. Guys my age don't know how to handle themselves let alone a female. I need a guy who is confident in himself, has some idea of what he wants in life, and knows how to handle me both in my future plans, my son, and in the bedroom. ;) Ok, the last one isn't necessary, I can always train him, but pre-trained and confident is always a plus. hehe Speaking of which, the boy claims to be well endowed and I don't doubt it. I asked him if the steriotypical "black guys have big dicks" is true. He sort of laughed and said, "uh...yeah!" I burst out laughing. He said it was for him anyways.

So naturally, I asked what he was and he said he didn't measure. Seriously. He's never measured and he doesn't jack off. Seriously. I thought he was just joking but no he was quite serious. I said wow, I feel like a total horn montster. I was surprised to hear he even watches porn. Here I watch porn and get off usually once a day, sometimes twice. I asked how he watches porn and then does nothing. He said if he gets really horny he'll just go take a shower.

So, I obviously couldn't resist teasing him a little. I told him I was going to cure him of that and proceeded to tell him all the naughty things I was going to do to him. I could tell it was driving him crazy. I can be quite explicit. ;) So once I got him good and ready (I'm sure he had a raging hard on) I told him to get up and get a shower. Cruel aren't I? Then I promptly changed the subject. So now when I see him or talk with him, I occassionally throw in a tidbit of my vivid imagination just to make him crazy. Then I'll get close to him and whisper in his ear that when I see him, I'm always in need of a shower. He just looks at me like if he could, he'd take me right there. Of course we're usually at school in a very public place so he looks all flustered and repeats that I'm driving him crazy. I whisper good and then kiss his neck or just rest my hand on his inner thigh. It wouldn't be glaringly obvious to anyone else but for him it speaks volumes.

I tell him that I feel like the guy in the relationship who is perpetually horny, ready anytime, anywhere, watches porn and gets off every day. Then, he's the good girl that doesn't do any of that and has perfect control. Thats when he looks at me and tells me that in the bedroom, he is anything but the "good girl" with perfect control. He just tells me that when he gets me, it's going to be amazing. I don't doubt it. He is confident, I can tell he knows how to handle himself and a girl and his stamina I'm almost certain is quite good. So I look forward to the day, he seems adventurous as am I, not afraid to do it outside the bedroom (I want to try to get him in a public place during the day as I have twice...great fun with the prospect of getting caught.) and the fact that he is well endowed gives him that extra boost of confidence. Yummy. :) So yes, I think we are matching up quite well and might just be together for quite some time. hehe

Part 4

Well that conversation obviously came as a shock to me. I really did want to be there for him. Leave behind the arguments and the insults, I cared about how he was doing, feeling, holding up, whatever. I still cared about him and wanted to know if he was going to be alright. I certainly wasn't expecting him to attack me. That conversation really upset me and I cried...again. I'm not usually this emotional of a person but what he said really just pierced my heart.



I signed off after that; I couldn't think of a nice thing to say or even a decent comeback that wouldn't be dripping with sarcasm, disdain and perhaps some hatred. That wasn't worth it. He read my blog and didn't like it. My thing has always been, if you don't like it: don't read it. He obviously read it, didn't like it and then decided to attack me with it. Low. So I decided to cut myself off completely from him. I put my blog on private (which is why I'm writing all this crap in the first place), deleted him from my friends list on facebook and I'm still in the process of locking him out of my heart.



The fact that he remembered what he said, understood just how hurt I was and still wouldn't even acknowledge it, hurt me. Still, he's my friend and friends support each other when in need. I thought divorce counted as being in need. He made it clear to me though that not only did he not need me, he really didn't want me. Ouch. Big, big ouch.



As I told my mom all of this on the phone (I started to cry again, suprising right?) she said that he was probably blaming me for all of his woes. Great, I responded. She said it didn't make it right but he was probably looking at it as though I was the one that set all of these events in motion. First he was in love with me and then I broke his heart. I got pregnant with someone else's baby when he still wanted to be with me and I supposedly wanted to be with him. So he was hurt, his family was still pressuring him to get married so he gave in (sort of like the rebound girlfriend only this was now the rebound wife) and wasn't happy in the new relationship. Then she wasn't happy either with him so she left him and wanted a divorce. That was two rejections, first one from the woman he really did love, second from the one he didn't love but was still married to. Then he would have to know and everyone else would know that he failed as a husband. (I know, it takes two to make a marriage work or fail but he would still perceive it that way.) So looking at it from that perspective, I was the root of all his misery. In a way I could understand why he would still feel angry but that was still no excuse to tell me to take my ideas and essentially go to hell. That was the final straw. I couldn't accept that he would insult my being American and then when I simply tried to help, have it shoved back in my face with another hurtful, hateful comment. Even now, I want to cry. I so much want him to read this, know what I've been going through, but it wouldn't change anything. He can't take back what he said, neither of us can take back the things we did (ie him getting married and me getting pregnant) so the relationship (or whatever you want to call what we had) was killed. It didn't fade away, we didn't just drift apart, he simply killed it.



He was always trying to make me look like a monster where all I did was hurt him. He never told me any of this while we were together so how was I supposed to know? I at least had the decency to tell him when I wasn't happy, there was never any question where I stood. I didn't realize he wasn't being honest with me on the same level. I tried to tell him that he couldn't blame me for his past hurt because I had no idea and he wouldn't tell me. Of course I'm going to make the same mistakes over and over if I don't even realize they're mistakes! That really just irritates me when he brings that aspect up over and over. I even told my mom, there are so many times when I could insult him, when I could take a low blow, but I don't. That wouldn't be fair and it would be low class. Of course, he took two of them with me but who is counting right?



Still, I love him. When he said he was getting divorced I couldn't help but feel that small hope that maybe we weren't completely over. Maybe there could be a future for the two of us. Obviously it wouldn't be right away, but in time we could move past all of our stupid arguments and just be happy with each other. Then he said that...hell with you and what you think. That's definitely not the mentality I want the man I'd consider marrying to have. When would that come up again? Would we be married and get in an argument only to be told I was a stupid American and to go to hell? Who knows, maybe it wouldn't come up, maybe it would. It's the fact that you never know. The only time I made real distinction in him being Indian was after we had eaten dinner (he was a great cook) and I told him Indians definitely have the best food. Heck with American and Mexican dining, I want some good, spicy Indian food! He just laughed and I could tell he was pleased that I liked his cooking so much. So I definitely made that distinction on him being Indian there but it was not insulting in the least.

I remember at one point, he asked what my mom would think about me dating and Indian guy. I said it didn't matter; skin color, hair color, ethnicity, none of it mattered as long as the guy was treating me well. I said the only thing she might have an issue with would be if I were to come home and say I was now dating a woman. That would definitely come as a shock to her. lol

I still have all of our old pictures; I remember when we took every single one of them. Sometimes I get so upset I consider erasing all of them and just being finished with the entire thing but something prevents me from doing it. Maybe I still cling to the idea that we could be together, maybe I cling to the fact that I still love him and just can't let him go, maybe I cling to the idea that he still loves me, I really just cling to him. That is so stupid I can't believe I'm saying it, but it's true. I have always prided myself on being independent and not needing anyone. He said a few times that this bothered him; he felt like I didn't need him. I tried to explain to him that I really didn't need him but I wanted him. I don't think he quite understood, he still looked upset. So now I still can't say I need him, life obviously goes on, but I feel a great hole in my heart where he should be. Does that count as needing someone?

So I think I shall now bring this to a close. I have spilled most of my thoughts on the matter and still cry. I'm so damn emotional on this topic it's crazy. This really is sort of like talking to a shrink, forcing myself to look at the situation and how I feel about it. I miss him, I love him, but at the same time I'm so hurt by what he said that I just want to push him away. Maybe it's for the best; I don't know.

Another friend of mine is very interested in me; he's made that plenty clear. Still, I can't see a real future in him, as an individual or as a partner. It's just not there. I at times find myself comparing him to my old love. When we were at school together we were both dirt poor but I remember telling my mom that he was going to go places and do very well. I could see his drive and intelligence as he battled his way through grad school. Sure enough he got a great job and not long after an amazing promotion. Money isn't everything though. I loved him just as much as a college student as a guy with a very high paying job. Current, interested friend, does not have that same drive. I see the potential but he doesn't want to do anything with it. I just don't feel that same connection, that same desire to be with him. The magic just isn't there. I wonder how long I'll be acting like a moron and comparing future guys with the one past. There really is no point because no one will be just like him; we're all individuals so comparing one person to another really isn't fair. So I think as I let go of my love then I'll be able to look ahead and not think about him so much, not try to compare others with him, not feel like a part of myself is missing. So concludes my sob story and life goes on as always...

Part 3

So after quite a while of really not speaking, I saw on facebook that his relationship status was suddenly listed as single. He had never put that he was married or anything so I thought it must be a sort of joke. His wife had gone back to India for a couple months, apparently to work on her english and degree. When he first told me that I thought she wouldn't return. My mom agreed with me there but of course I would never mention that to him. Well we were right. She didn't want to come back and they were actually getting a divorce. Less than a year of marriage and they were already getting a divorce.

I had written on his wall laughing at his single status. He sent me an instant message after that explaining he was getting a divorce and how nice it was that I was laughing at his misery. I tried to explain that I didn't realize what it entailed seeing as he had always told me divorce wasn't an option and he was in it for better or worse. He said things change. Here is our conversation and thus the ruining of our friendship:

Leah Bennett: so what happened?
Nish-O-Nash: nothing to say - my status and being seperated means i m in the middle of divorse- we no longer stay together- she has gone back to india. so much for the amusing status
Leah Bennett: i thought u said divorce wasnt an option
Leah Bennett: and that her return to india was only temporary
Nish-O-Nash: sometimes life takes a u - turn
Nish-O-Nash: n options become reality
Nish-O-Nash: nys
Nish-O-Nash: hope u r having a good day
Leah Bennett: what about your families?
Nish-O-Nash: leah - y wld u care - i tired to talk to u - u wldnt even wanna say hi n wld sign off
Leah Bennett: first of all, last time we really talked you said something highly insulting to me, i mentioned it and u said to grow up, yes i wasnt quick to have a nice convo, second of all, i use a wireless connection which is sometimes good, sometimes bad because i steal it off other people so i will randomly sign out and then come back assuming i can hook onto another one (sometimes i cant)
Nish-O-Nash: u write blogs about friendships n yet why cant you understand that close friends when they say smthng you shd nt react or get angry every 5 mins
Nish-O-Nash: have I ever left anything undone to convince you how much i loved u or cared about u - then yet why have u over n over made me feel like crap
Leah Bennett: well plenty of things annoy me but that one definitely did it for me, close friend or not it was uncalled for (personally i would think especially from a close friend it was uncalled for), and that one comment yes made me rethink what you really thought about me and, i know we've had this convo before, i usually dont know when ive insulted you because u dont say anything and i dont try to make u feel like crap
Nish-O-Nash: alright miss leah - this is over - good luck to u too - i had enough of ur bull shit
Nish-O-Nash: bye
Leah Bennett: omfg, you know what, i asked because i still care, friends that dont communicate for years still come to each others aide, divorces are never easy, insulting or not i thought u might want to talk, not argue over every little goddamn thing
Nish-O-Nash: i said its over- keep ur two thoughts to urself leah
Nish-O-Nash: i dont need more crap
Leah Bennett: i swallowed my pride and didnt ask for an apology i didnt think ud mean but still wanted to support you in the only way i know how
Nish-O-Nash: go away
Nish-O-Nash: thats it
Leah Bennett: god damn
Nish-O-Nash: i dont care about apologies
Nish-O-Nash: n wht u think no more
Nish-O-Nash: i had it too
Nish-O-Nash: bye
Leah Bennett: yeah well it mattered to me for what all that counts
Nish-O-Nash: yes it did until wht u wrote today
Nish-O-Nash: n thts it
Nish-O-Nash: u want to see wht temper is all about
Nish-O-Nash: alright girl
Nish-O-Nash: u asked for it today
Nish-O-Nash: fine
Nish-O-Nash: u dont like wht i said
Nish-O-Nash: u dont like wht i did
Nish-O-Nash: fine
Nish-O-Nash: hell with it
Nish-O-Nash: tired of beign at the recieveing end
Nish-O-Nash: ya u are right i dont say wht i feel
Nish-O-Nash: coz i cared about not hurting my loved ones
Nish-O-Nash: yes that may be wrong for u
Nish-O-Nash: so be it
Nish-O-Nash: i had enought
Nish-O-Nash: hell wit u
Nish-O-Nash: n wht u think
Nish-O-Nash: good luck

Part 2

So after he got married, the whole dynamics of our relationship had to change. I had to take my heart, put it back in it's little box and tell it that it was over, heal itself. Of course, I didn't tell him how crushed I was, I'm sure he could tell, but it was too late. He would still joke about me coming down to see him or he would come up and see me. I would joke back that he was a married man and needed to behave. I said this in a joking manner but was very serious. I knew I couldn't see him and be "just friends" when I knew he would return home to his wife. I finally had to be a bit firm about that.

Our relationship then was sort of up and down. I would ask him about his job, his wife, little stuff, all the while still feeling upset. We then would get in arguments about the usual stuff: how I broke his heart, he broke mine, he was married while I wanted him, I had a child, blah blah blah.

Then one day we had an argument which I didn't consider a big thing. It was on the usual topic of why he got married and I told him I didn't see how he could possibly be "forced" into marrying someone he didn't want to marry. He tried to explain that in India, it's different. I finally said I figure it was something I was never going to really understand, different cultures, different styles. He then said something else, I don't even remember what, but then told me he was already upset and didn't need me to "bombard him with my American values." I was like what the heck? Did he suddenly forget that I am American and would thus have American values? It seemed like a low blow to me. It was that distinct separation of my being American and him being Indian. I never felt we were so different, I told him I wouldn't understand simply because cultures can be very different. I never insulted his values or insulted him on the fact that he is Indian. He turned around though and insulted my being American. I then told him that was low and he told me to grow up. That definitely wasn't the correct response.

After that, I couldn't get over the fact that he had insulted me like that. I so much wanted to tell him that if he didn't like it, get the hell out of my country and go back to his little hell hole where most people don't even have washers and dryers. I couldn't say that though; that would be low and uncalled for. Instead I just didn't talk to him for a while. Any communication was initiated by him and I was very cold. I knew I was but did he bother to ask why I was like that? Nope. I knew he knew why I was like that. Otherwise, he would have asked what the heck my problem was. He knew he had insulted me and that I was very angry but he wouldn't apologize. The thing it, he meant it. Maybe that's the part that hurt me the most. It wasn't some nasty comment made while in a fit of anger. It was something said specifically meant to hurt me which he obviously meant. I am proud to be an American and the man I still loved just insulted me in a very large way. The only thing worse he could have said was to insult me on the fact that I'm a woman.

Part 1

I really wonder where it went wrong with him. We didn't actually "date" very long: only 5 months. Actually, I broke up with him twice. I remember the last time I just cried and cried. It was like, I felt the relationship was moving to fast. He seemed to be thinking more long term and I wasn't sure I was ready for that so I got freaked and ran. Maybe it wasn't the best way to handle it but in the end, it didn't really matter. We essentially stayed together for over a year. I never saw anyone else, neither did he, we still had each other.

When I left OSU, I left behind a huge part of my life. I considered campus my sort of home, my friends were dear to me and him, he was my everything. Of course, he graduated and moved far away and I came back home to Kentucky. I did go and visit him once. I was already pregnant and that in and of itself was hard. I remember telling him and he sort of flipped out, asked how I could be so stupid and asked if I was going to keep the baby. I remember at one point he sort of hinted at whether I was ready or if I would just terminate the pregnancy. I told him I would never kill my innocent child and if he didn't know me better than that then he had some real issues. I told him never to bring that up again or we would cease to talk. Naturally it was dropped and the question of adoption or raising the child myself came up. When I did go down to visit him I was a few months pregnant but was not showing at all. It was like the reality hadn't actually set in for him yet.

When I was with him, it was like being at home again. I loved waking up next to him, having coffee with him and going out to this Arabic restaurant for lunch. I guess it was then that it really solidified in my mind that I could marry him and despite the many arguments and quirks we both have, I could and did still love him. Then I invited him to come to my house for Thanksgiving since he didn't have any family here or really any close friends. He told me he'd look into it. I knew right then he wouldn't come. Sure enough, he didn't even look at flights until about 2 weeks before and everyone knows that tickets by then are outrageously expensive and thus he couldn't come. Imagine that. I knew it was because my son had already been born, only a few weeks old at that point.

He told me he was going to India to see his family; it had been over 2 years since he had been home. I was happy for him because I knew he missed his family. I remember telling my mom that he would probably come back engaged. His family had been pushing him ever since I met him to get married, they would arrange it for him. He had always said no but since I seemed to be out of the picture, I thought he might meet some nice Indian girl and give in to his parents' pressure. Well I was right. He called me up (I swear he was drunk) and told me he was engaged. I sounded surprised but on the inside I really wasn't. I actually sat at home and cried. I guess some part of me was still holding on to the hope that we could still be together, maybe not at the present, but someday when he could get over the fact that I had a child with someone else.

Then, just a few days after that he called me again saying he was married. That actually did shock me. Engaged yes, married no. He had told me they'd wait a few months but then said his parents wouldn't let him leave the country unless he was married. (My mom thought they did that because they didn't think he'd return.) I naturally thought that was crap, no one can force you to stay and marry someone unless you consent to it. But in the end, it didn't matter. He was a married man; all my hopes for a future with him were crushed. He was with a woman he barely knew and didn't love.

Irritating Owners

You know, some people just have a remarkable ability to irritate me. There is a couple that bought one of our dogs whom we loved very much. (He was absolutely gorgeous and had the sweetest temperament.) Anyways, they say he is now having seizures. We have never had seizures anywhere in our lines but seizures aren't hereditary and can pop up randomly in dogs.

These people really love the dog but keep complaining to me and mom constantly! I told them that we would absolutely take the dog back but he says no, they love him, it's just getting so expensive with the vet bills! It's like the expect me to pull some answer out of my ass that will cure whatever it is they think he has. I'm getting really fed up with them. Honestly, I think they are stressing him and creating problems in their own heads that he doesn't really have. Anything he does is surely a symptom for something else wrong with him. Just because I am often tired, easily distracted and fidget a lot does not mean I have ADHD. Just because Mac barks at a door slamming or runs around like a maniac does not mean he is having constant seizures! Why are people so damn irritating? I want my Macaroni back and them to go away.

Ants

So we got an entire new garden put in several weeks ago. Our old one was essentially a jungle so my mom paid a hefty sum and now our garden is like amazing thanks to a professional landscaper. Well, when the three guys were tearing through one of our gardens they came upon this huge ant hill under the tree, hidden by all the other plants. So of course when they started clearing everything away they found the hill, took the chunk out and all the ants went crazy. At least they were gone...right? Nope.

Then like two weeks ago I was watering everything (which I have to do every day since the plants' roots aren't all established) and our tree is always leaning really far over. The guys had put a sort of bungee around it to help support the two trunks. So as I'm watering I noticed along the trunk near the bottom it almost looked like sawdust. I was thinking what the heck so I took a twig and scraped it away. Guess what happened to be underneath all the sawdust...yep, ants. They simply moved from under the tree to inside the tree. I thought it was originally just near the ground but they had actually gotten all the way into the tree like five feet up! That whole part of the trunk was practically hollow. So I got out the bug killer and sprayed it liberally all over the place and thus they were gone again...or so I thought. *again*

Now this morning I was out watering again and as I had the hose soaking one of the trees I was wandering around picking weeds from the various gardens. I went back near the tree (the same one the ants had gotten into previously) and started to pick some weeds near one of the plants not far from said tree. There was some weed that has the rediculous root system which goes really deep in the ground and is near impossible to get up, know what I'm talking about? Yeah, well I tried to pull it up and didn't get all of the roots. So, I stuck my fingers down in the dirt, went down under some of the roots and tried to yank it up that way. To my surprise it came up fairly easily. That was when I noticed I was holding a large clump of dirt and roots in my hand with hundreds of ants swarming all over it and the ground. Needless to say I freaked. I jumped probably about a foot in the air and back and screamed HOLY SHIT! Yes, it was loud.

I got a paper towl and held the clump then threw it over the hill into the woods. I went back to the garage and got my handy bug killer and sprayed it liberally all over the area where the ants were still swarming. They're buggers too because they bite. They may be tiny but I've had plenty that climb up on my leg or arm and give me a nip. After that I take great joy in rolling them into a little ball. Bite me, I kill you. They never learn... So now this is the third time I've had to battle these nasty little things. I don't mind ants, just not in my garden swarming all over the place and trying to bite me. That bothers me. I am still getting goosebumps as I think about the swarm I was holding in my bare hand. It gives me the freakin' heeby-jeebies! lol

Reflections

Yesterday I was looking at some of my old posts and realized I've been writing on this blog for over two years now. It's always amazing to look back and see how much has changed in two years.

I was still at OSU, young, in love and wasting too much of my time. I had some of my best experiences up there but some that would only create havoc down the road. Hind-sight is always 20/20.

I had such high hopes when I first graduated high school. I graduated at 16 with a 3.5 GPA that I had to work hard for. I was accepted at OSU which was my first choice college and going to study Arabic, a language I had been wanting to learn for quite a while. I was restricted a lot in high school, mainly because my grades seemed to be all over the place for a while and that made my mom angry. Thus, she took away pretty much all of my freedoms and I didn't have much of a social life throughout high school. It started to really turn around for me in my junior year; I had made it past the dreaded sophomore year which at my high school was the hardest year and usually when the most people dropped out. So things got easier and then my senior year I took several AP classes and did fairly well. They definitely helped my GPA and those last two years were what really brought me out of the hole. And no, keeping me locked up at the house didn't help to motivate me, it made me rather depressed for quite a while and I had many battles with myself. Some of them still pop up on me today but I have much better control now.

My issues from high school I think sort of carried over to my college career. I was away from home and I was happy to have freedom and I took too much advantage of that. I couldn't seem to motivate myself to sit down and do well. Some classes I did well, others I totally bombed. I worked at a popular food spot on campus and there met my boyfriend. I'd had boyfriends before but none were like him. It's rather hard to explain but when you find someone special you just know. I scared him a bit at first and we used to joke about that quite a bit. Still, we became very close (obviously) and I wanted to spend most of my time with him. That was hardly his fault, I should have had the common sense to put my studies first and the relationship after. There's that good ole 20/20 view coming back into play.

After my mom yanked me from OSU because I wasn't doing so hot and the tuition was too expensive for my current grades I got a rather nasty wake up call. Why it took the extreme who knows. I saw the future that I wanted get flushed and had to start planning an entirely different path to get where I wanted to go. Still, I worked it out as best I could in my mind and thus began school again at a university near my house, NKU, which I call the cement prison. (Everything is cement...)

I got my act together and started doing really well and sure enough my GPA is being rescued from the pit of despair. While there I met another guy who I had actually gone to high school with. He was one of the poor souls that couldn't make it past sophomore year. We had not been friends but for some reason we clicked in college. We started dating and while I never did fall in love with him I enjoyed my time with him. That is, until I got pregnant. That was definitely not in the game plan.

I cannot begin to explain the heartache I felt when I first found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, worse than that really but that's the best word I can think of to describe it. I remember calling Malisa, a family friend, sobbing and telling her I didn't know what I was going to do. How was I going to tell my mom? How was I going to tell Matt, the boyfriend? He took it well which I was surprised at; my mom did not which I expected. The first couple months I cried plenty; I didn't have the support Matt had promised me, I was constantly reminded of the disappointment I had caused myself and my family. I was right back in my little hole and with time I had to learn to climb out of it and rework my life once again to fit in a child.

While I still loved my ex-beau from OSU and knew he loved me, I realized any future we could have maybe had together was gone. I couldn't really blame him; not many men can take back a girl that broke his heart and had another guy's baby. I was hoping to stay at least friends but I am thinking now I have also lost that. He was my best guy friend (yes you can have a best girl friend and a best guy friend) and very much a part of me. Still, he is now married and our lives have gone in very different directions.

Given all of this though, I have my little boy, Caleb, who I wouldn't trade for the world. Something about that first time I held him in my arms made it all worth it. All the frustration I had gone through while being pregnant, feeling terrified and anxious, feeling betrayed and turned against only to realize who some of my true friends really are, all of it culminated to that one moment when he was handed to me.

Now he is seven months, sitting up and babbling constantly. He's trying to crawl although not always successfully; he's more interested in standing up. I am going into my senior year at school, still doing very well and at my current rate, will graduate with a decent GPA. Considering the abomination it was before, I will be extremely happy.

Yes in two years a lot has happened, I never could have imagined I would be where I am now. It's rather funny, another friend of mine who I knew from high school has also at times been amazed at where I am, both good and bad. I was the sort of quiet good girl in high school. I sang in the choir, was one hell of an orator but didn't go out much. Then I turned into some wild child and got pregnant. Nope, I don't think anyone saw that coming. lol Still, I have yet another game plan, now the third and hopefully the last. After I graduate I am going to go back to OSU. The thought that I could be defeated by a language that two year olds can learn bothers me to no end. I am good with languages; I will not say that I failed at one I set out to learn. So I have to take the round about way and have several detours but in the end, I am still going to say I accomplished what I set out to do.

Crap Parents

I just got home from the pool. It was real sunny and warm when Caleb and I left so I thought it would be a good time; it was hot but not real late so we could miss some of the crowds. Well, I was right. I actually got a lounge chair, Caleb was happy chewing on his toy, I jumped in the water once to cool off then came back and laid down. He was pretty content for a while but then started to get fussy so I took his float and went over to the baby pool. The water was freezing! I put my feet in it and was like holy crap, Im not putting him down in that! So we just sat at the edge, he was happy to be on my lap watching the other kids, I was happy to keep my feet cool. win-win.

There were these three little kids in there, one was a little boy and he had on a swimsuit with a built in flotation ring, it looked sort of funny but hey whatever works. He was probably about two? Then there was another boy, Logan, who was a little older, maybe 4 and then another younger girl like 3. They were jumping around and water was splashing everywhere but it didn't hit Caleb so all was well. Then Logan and the girl had one of the those Huggies bottles that their sunscreen comes in, it was empty so they were playing with it. They would fill it with water and then dump it on the poor little kid's head! He didn't seem to mind and just kept walking around the pool but I was sitting there thinking this isnt going to last, hes going to get upset, where the heck is his mother.

Well I was right again. He did start to get upset and started to cry. Did bratty Logan stop? Of course not! He just kept laughing and dumping more water on this poor little boy who kept trying to get away and was eventually really crying and yelling momma! momma! Meanwhile, group of idiotic women were sitting on the other side of the baby pool in a circle, gabbing away, completely disregarding the kids. It's like, they figure if they're in a baby pool with floaties nothing can happen to them. That Logan creep could have easily drowned that little kid and none of them would have even noticed. A couple of times (before little kid, ill call him bobby for now, started really screaming) one woman would look over and be like oh Logan, don't do that honey, I don't think he likes it. Logan would reply he was giving Bobby a bubble bath but his mom had already turned around and was completely ignoring him yet again. So, naturally, Logan went back to harassing Bobby. At one point when I could tell Bobby was starting to get irritated I even told Logan to leave him alone. He gave me the biggest sneer; I swear, if there weren't so many people around I would have hopped up and smacked that boy right across the face. Then I'd tell him to look at me like that again and he'd be lucky to have a face when I was finished with him. Still, what could I do? I simply glared back.

After Bobby started really screaming for his mother (and I mean, really screaming) I eventually went over to him. I was still holding Caleb but thought the least I could do would be to try and protect him from Logan creep who was still dumping water on him. Well Bobby could tell I was obviously not his mother and so wouldn't stay around me and Logan was looking at me, looking at Bobby, back and forth. When Bobby went to the opposite side of the pool I sat back down and thought if his mother didn't get up I was going to go over to the bunch of ninnies and tell them to keep an eye on their kids. Well one woman did get up and go over and was like oh honey, whats wrong. Oh you feel cold, are you cold? So she picked him up and wrapped him in a towel, took him back to the circle of fellow ninnies. I so much wanted to tell her that he had been crying for her because he was being harassed by her friend's son and neither of them gave a rip to pay attention even when he was screaming bloody murder. Even another older woman was near me and could see that I was getting upset and said she couldn't believe the mother wasnt paying attention either. I said what the heck is wrong with her, it's her son and he needs her! ARGH!!! Anything could have happened to that poor boy, even on accident, and she couldn't bother to pay attention. No, she just wanted to sit and gab with her girlfriends completely ignoring the child who was being harassed by a boy twice his age.

My mom always said that if you don't stand up for your kids, no one will. Part of being a mother is looking out for your kids. Whenever I am with Caleb I always know who's around me and what's around me. I pay attention not only to what Caleb is doing but what others are doing around him. I'm at the pool with my son and I pay more attention to that poor Bobby boy than his own mother. There were probably six of those ninnies sitting around talking and none of them could watch those three kids. It just makes me so angry, that's how bullying starts and it only escalates because kids don't learn when enough is enough and how to control themselves. On the opposite end, the bullied kids don't learn how to stand up for themselves because they've never been shown how and have never been stood up for. If I saw some kid dumping water on my boy after I told him not to and it's obvious Caleb didn't like it, I'd be over there kickin butt. I wouldn't care if it was a good friend's son, his ass would be mine. I can truthfully say I won't ever be on the other side where Caleb would be the bully though. If I saw him dumping water on some other kid I'd tell him to stop, this would be before the other kid gets upset. Then, if he didn't stop, I'd get up and spank his butt. I wouldn't let it keep going and going until the other kid was reduced to tears and screaming for his mother. There are just too many crap parents in the world that don't know how and don't care about controlling their kids. If I had pulled that kind of crap when I was little, my mom would have pulled my swimsuit down right there and spanked me in front of everyone. I knew that when she said it was enough and to stop, it meant to stop...right then.

So after that, I was irritated and we went back to the lounge chairs. I felt a couple of drips so I decided to pack up and come home before the rain. Too late. I made it half way and it started raining, not hard, but certainly enough to be wet and wanting an umbrella. I put a towel over the stroller like a tent so Caleb stayed dry and of course, I got home, put the stroller in the garage and it quit raining. I told God that was a very cruel trick especially after I had tried to help the poor boy in the pool. But I thought maybe we'd actually get enough and I wouldn't have to water the other gardens tonight; nope, just enough to make me wet and irritable but not enough to saturate the ground. grr.

And so concludes my rant on crap parents. lol

Hot

It is extremely hot. Here we are in the beginning of June and the weather is already in the 90s. I'm not sure what that means the rest of the summer will be like...I'm not sure I want to know. So here we all sit in the wonderfully air conditioned house, being bored.

We are having a new garten put in. Ours was crazy and the lambs ear plant took over the whole freakin universe. So yesterday these three guys came in and cleared most of it out, took down three of our trees that had died from the last summer when we had like no rain. They worked for eight hours yesterday and will come back, tomorrow maybe, to put in the new plants.

Caleb, my son, is now learning how to crawl. He's definitly mastered the army crawl and he can get up on all fours; he just hasn't learned to actually move all four limbs together to get where he wants to go. I'm rather happy about that; I know once he figures it out, he'll never sit still. I got him a little baby float so that when we go to the pool, he can sit in it and it has a few toys attached to it for him to play with. Now I won't be confined to the baby pool; he can come with me to the bigger one and just float around and I can actually be in the water with him. It is now 11am and already 88 degrees. ugh.

Horror and Abortions

I saw the most horrific images today that I have ever seen in my life.

My english class met in the library to learn about our library's database and how to operate everything for a big paper we're writing. As she explained everything I already knew how to do, I began thinking of a topic to write about. We have to pick something, choose a side and then argue it. I was originally thinking stem cell research since I have a background in studying that. So as I'm looking through the various sites on Google, I got the sudden feeling that I needed to study abortion. I have always been pro-life, never doubted for a day. I really really detest the subject but something said I needed to do it.

So I typed in 'abortion' to the search line and hit enter. Several sites came up and I clicked on one that was only two or three down. It explained the "definition" of abortion which is really just killing your unborn child. So I scrolled down and it explained the various methods used. I have read about these and they horrified me just as much now as the day I first read about them.

Then came the notice that images below would not be suitable for children and they should read no further. Well, I'm not a child and decided to chance my luck. It definitely wasn't a good idea. The pictures were of aborted babies. They were absolutely horrific. If there were a stronger word I could use then I would but I can't think of any.

One of them was from a method where they burn the baby with acid. This perfect little baby lay there, his body black from the burn and this tiny white head. Others were infants with missing limbs from where they rip off their arms and legs (which causes excuciating pain) before they completely kill the baby. There were pictures of discarded limbs, trash bags full of little bodies just to be discarded in the trash as if they were nothing. Throw out the rotted food, the old coke bottle and your little infant. There were pictures of tiny children who had their skulls crushed in another painful method that crushes the baby's skull while still in the womb.

I saw only the beginning pictures and had to fight back tears. I couldn't continue to look any further. I felt sick to my stomach thinking of people that say they are "pro-choice." What about all those little babies? Don't they have a choice? No, they rely on their mothers to protect them and all they can do is kill them in some horrific and excruciating method, simply because they don't feel ready to be a parent, or simply don't want to be.

Then, I leave the library and what should happen to be right outside? A pro-life group setting up a big exhibition with some of those same pictures on enormous posters. As if that didn't make it even worse for me...Then I make it to my German class and I'm really not doing well. Several people kept asking me if I was ok, I definitely wasn't myself. I shrugged off their questions and just said rough morning, I knew I couldn't talk about it and maintain my self-control. Then of course they had to start talking about abortion and the signs outside. I couldn't contribute anything; I still had those awful images searing my mind.

When my mom picked me up from school (the joys of a seizure disorder, I can't drive) I broke down. I essentially started sobbing in the car and told her I couldn't write it. No matter how strongly I felt, I couldn't write about that: having to explain the many ways you can kill your child, or look at those pictures of perfect little babies torn apart, burned and crushed, simply because they were "inconvenient." She told me not to, I knew I would cry with every page written and it would without a doubt be the hardest paper I would ever write. So I am looking at a new topic, something that won't tear me apart. (No pun intended.) This topic I know is especially close to my heart because I have my own little boy, only 5 months. I too was terrified when I found out I was pregnant and knew that feeling that causes women to get abortions. However, I also knew what abortions entailed, although I never saw pictures to really drive it home. I knew I couldn't kill my child because of my mistake. He had every right to live. Now he is sitting on my lap as I write this, babbling away and waving his arms. I look at him and can't imagine not having him. Just deciding to burn him, tear him apart or crush him just because I was scared. Pro-choice people don't realize what exactly they are supporting...if they did, I don't think they could possibly feel the same way. Of course, the people that perform the abortions or even work in the clinics are beyond evil. They kill thousands of infants and people say oh well, it's the mother's choice. Yet those same people object to the death penalty to some man that raped a bunch of young women? It makes no sense to me. Please, if anyone reading this is pro-choice, is considering getting an abortion or knows someone considering an abortion: look up the facts. Read what will truly be done to your baby. It's not some simple procedure of just removing a few cells. No, it's tearing apart a little person, killing the most innocent thing on this planet. There are thousands of couples looking to adopt that little baby, waiting and waiting for one they can take in and call their own. Why not make their dreams come true and give your baby the life he deserves? I gave mine that life and have not once regretted it. I can guarantee though, at some point, every one of those women will regret having killed their children. They will wonder what that small baby would have been like, what that infant could have grown up to become. Maybe one of them would have discovered the cure for cancer but we will never know because they were viciously murdered. Yet people can still look me in the face and say oh no, I'm pro-choice. Well I am pro-life. That infant feels every painful moment of that abortion, it is a living, breathing little person who is completely defenseless. Let your child live; do not kill him just because he is inconvenient. Choose Life.

Memories

Old memories never really die. Sometimes there are the ones that you’d rather forget about and others you want to cherish forever. Either way, they stay a part of you forever. Sometimes a person can be a total jerk to you but you can still have feelings for them years later, though you might not really like them. Other people can be absolutely wonderful but you lose them. Regardless, both types create memories that remain stored in your brain forever. You can put them in a little box and try to hide them away. For some people this works. They are able to take the most awful things that have happened to them and push them far into the back of their mind. But, if you were to bring it up, suddenly that little box is opened again and they are flooded with all of those memories. Of course it works in the opposite scenario as well. You take all the really good memories and store them in a box whether to cherish and recall constantly, or to cherish and try not to think about them. I think I am at that latter stage. There are so many memories I have which I will cherish forever but try not to really think about. Once you realize the good you had, not having it any longer really just hurts. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I’m sure Ill discover that reason eventually, just right now it’s pretty damn foggy. lol So thanks to all who have given me my memories, both the good and the bad, because they have helped shape me into who I am today. But thank you especially to those who have given me my best memories, the ones that while they might bring some heartache, also bring great happiness. Love Always. :)