Part 4

Well that conversation obviously came as a shock to me. I really did want to be there for him. Leave behind the arguments and the insults, I cared about how he was doing, feeling, holding up, whatever. I still cared about him and wanted to know if he was going to be alright. I certainly wasn't expecting him to attack me. That conversation really upset me and I cried...again. I'm not usually this emotional of a person but what he said really just pierced my heart.



I signed off after that; I couldn't think of a nice thing to say or even a decent comeback that wouldn't be dripping with sarcasm, disdain and perhaps some hatred. That wasn't worth it. He read my blog and didn't like it. My thing has always been, if you don't like it: don't read it. He obviously read it, didn't like it and then decided to attack me with it. Low. So I decided to cut myself off completely from him. I put my blog on private (which is why I'm writing all this crap in the first place), deleted him from my friends list on facebook and I'm still in the process of locking him out of my heart.



The fact that he remembered what he said, understood just how hurt I was and still wouldn't even acknowledge it, hurt me. Still, he's my friend and friends support each other when in need. I thought divorce counted as being in need. He made it clear to me though that not only did he not need me, he really didn't want me. Ouch. Big, big ouch.



As I told my mom all of this on the phone (I started to cry again, suprising right?) she said that he was probably blaming me for all of his woes. Great, I responded. She said it didn't make it right but he was probably looking at it as though I was the one that set all of these events in motion. First he was in love with me and then I broke his heart. I got pregnant with someone else's baby when he still wanted to be with me and I supposedly wanted to be with him. So he was hurt, his family was still pressuring him to get married so he gave in (sort of like the rebound girlfriend only this was now the rebound wife) and wasn't happy in the new relationship. Then she wasn't happy either with him so she left him and wanted a divorce. That was two rejections, first one from the woman he really did love, second from the one he didn't love but was still married to. Then he would have to know and everyone else would know that he failed as a husband. (I know, it takes two to make a marriage work or fail but he would still perceive it that way.) So looking at it from that perspective, I was the root of all his misery. In a way I could understand why he would still feel angry but that was still no excuse to tell me to take my ideas and essentially go to hell. That was the final straw. I couldn't accept that he would insult my being American and then when I simply tried to help, have it shoved back in my face with another hurtful, hateful comment. Even now, I want to cry. I so much want him to read this, know what I've been going through, but it wouldn't change anything. He can't take back what he said, neither of us can take back the things we did (ie him getting married and me getting pregnant) so the relationship (or whatever you want to call what we had) was killed. It didn't fade away, we didn't just drift apart, he simply killed it.



He was always trying to make me look like a monster where all I did was hurt him. He never told me any of this while we were together so how was I supposed to know? I at least had the decency to tell him when I wasn't happy, there was never any question where I stood. I didn't realize he wasn't being honest with me on the same level. I tried to tell him that he couldn't blame me for his past hurt because I had no idea and he wouldn't tell me. Of course I'm going to make the same mistakes over and over if I don't even realize they're mistakes! That really just irritates me when he brings that aspect up over and over. I even told my mom, there are so many times when I could insult him, when I could take a low blow, but I don't. That wouldn't be fair and it would be low class. Of course, he took two of them with me but who is counting right?



Still, I love him. When he said he was getting divorced I couldn't help but feel that small hope that maybe we weren't completely over. Maybe there could be a future for the two of us. Obviously it wouldn't be right away, but in time we could move past all of our stupid arguments and just be happy with each other. Then he said that...hell with you and what you think. That's definitely not the mentality I want the man I'd consider marrying to have. When would that come up again? Would we be married and get in an argument only to be told I was a stupid American and to go to hell? Who knows, maybe it wouldn't come up, maybe it would. It's the fact that you never know. The only time I made real distinction in him being Indian was after we had eaten dinner (he was a great cook) and I told him Indians definitely have the best food. Heck with American and Mexican dining, I want some good, spicy Indian food! He just laughed and I could tell he was pleased that I liked his cooking so much. So I definitely made that distinction on him being Indian there but it was not insulting in the least.

I remember at one point, he asked what my mom would think about me dating and Indian guy. I said it didn't matter; skin color, hair color, ethnicity, none of it mattered as long as the guy was treating me well. I said the only thing she might have an issue with would be if I were to come home and say I was now dating a woman. That would definitely come as a shock to her. lol

I still have all of our old pictures; I remember when we took every single one of them. Sometimes I get so upset I consider erasing all of them and just being finished with the entire thing but something prevents me from doing it. Maybe I still cling to the idea that we could be together, maybe I cling to the fact that I still love him and just can't let him go, maybe I cling to the idea that he still loves me, I really just cling to him. That is so stupid I can't believe I'm saying it, but it's true. I have always prided myself on being independent and not needing anyone. He said a few times that this bothered him; he felt like I didn't need him. I tried to explain to him that I really didn't need him but I wanted him. I don't think he quite understood, he still looked upset. So now I still can't say I need him, life obviously goes on, but I feel a great hole in my heart where he should be. Does that count as needing someone?

So I think I shall now bring this to a close. I have spilled most of my thoughts on the matter and still cry. I'm so damn emotional on this topic it's crazy. This really is sort of like talking to a shrink, forcing myself to look at the situation and how I feel about it. I miss him, I love him, but at the same time I'm so hurt by what he said that I just want to push him away. Maybe it's for the best; I don't know.

Another friend of mine is very interested in me; he's made that plenty clear. Still, I can't see a real future in him, as an individual or as a partner. It's just not there. I at times find myself comparing him to my old love. When we were at school together we were both dirt poor but I remember telling my mom that he was going to go places and do very well. I could see his drive and intelligence as he battled his way through grad school. Sure enough he got a great job and not long after an amazing promotion. Money isn't everything though. I loved him just as much as a college student as a guy with a very high paying job. Current, interested friend, does not have that same drive. I see the potential but he doesn't want to do anything with it. I just don't feel that same connection, that same desire to be with him. The magic just isn't there. I wonder how long I'll be acting like a moron and comparing future guys with the one past. There really is no point because no one will be just like him; we're all individuals so comparing one person to another really isn't fair. So I think as I let go of my love then I'll be able to look ahead and not think about him so much, not try to compare others with him, not feel like a part of myself is missing. So concludes my sob story and life goes on as always...

Part 3

So after quite a while of really not speaking, I saw on facebook that his relationship status was suddenly listed as single. He had never put that he was married or anything so I thought it must be a sort of joke. His wife had gone back to India for a couple months, apparently to work on her english and degree. When he first told me that I thought she wouldn't return. My mom agreed with me there but of course I would never mention that to him. Well we were right. She didn't want to come back and they were actually getting a divorce. Less than a year of marriage and they were already getting a divorce.

I had written on his wall laughing at his single status. He sent me an instant message after that explaining he was getting a divorce and how nice it was that I was laughing at his misery. I tried to explain that I didn't realize what it entailed seeing as he had always told me divorce wasn't an option and he was in it for better or worse. He said things change. Here is our conversation and thus the ruining of our friendship:

Leah Bennett: so what happened?
Nish-O-Nash: nothing to say - my status and being seperated means i m in the middle of divorse- we no longer stay together- she has gone back to india. so much for the amusing status
Leah Bennett: i thought u said divorce wasnt an option
Leah Bennett: and that her return to india was only temporary
Nish-O-Nash: sometimes life takes a u - turn
Nish-O-Nash: n options become reality
Nish-O-Nash: nys
Nish-O-Nash: hope u r having a good day
Leah Bennett: what about your families?
Nish-O-Nash: leah - y wld u care - i tired to talk to u - u wldnt even wanna say hi n wld sign off
Leah Bennett: first of all, last time we really talked you said something highly insulting to me, i mentioned it and u said to grow up, yes i wasnt quick to have a nice convo, second of all, i use a wireless connection which is sometimes good, sometimes bad because i steal it off other people so i will randomly sign out and then come back assuming i can hook onto another one (sometimes i cant)
Nish-O-Nash: u write blogs about friendships n yet why cant you understand that close friends when they say smthng you shd nt react or get angry every 5 mins
Nish-O-Nash: have I ever left anything undone to convince you how much i loved u or cared about u - then yet why have u over n over made me feel like crap
Leah Bennett: well plenty of things annoy me but that one definitely did it for me, close friend or not it was uncalled for (personally i would think especially from a close friend it was uncalled for), and that one comment yes made me rethink what you really thought about me and, i know we've had this convo before, i usually dont know when ive insulted you because u dont say anything and i dont try to make u feel like crap
Nish-O-Nash: alright miss leah - this is over - good luck to u too - i had enough of ur bull shit
Nish-O-Nash: bye
Leah Bennett: omfg, you know what, i asked because i still care, friends that dont communicate for years still come to each others aide, divorces are never easy, insulting or not i thought u might want to talk, not argue over every little goddamn thing
Nish-O-Nash: i said its over- keep ur two thoughts to urself leah
Nish-O-Nash: i dont need more crap
Leah Bennett: i swallowed my pride and didnt ask for an apology i didnt think ud mean but still wanted to support you in the only way i know how
Nish-O-Nash: go away
Nish-O-Nash: thats it
Leah Bennett: god damn
Nish-O-Nash: i dont care about apologies
Nish-O-Nash: n wht u think no more
Nish-O-Nash: i had it too
Nish-O-Nash: bye
Leah Bennett: yeah well it mattered to me for what all that counts
Nish-O-Nash: yes it did until wht u wrote today
Nish-O-Nash: n thts it
Nish-O-Nash: u want to see wht temper is all about
Nish-O-Nash: alright girl
Nish-O-Nash: u asked for it today
Nish-O-Nash: fine
Nish-O-Nash: u dont like wht i said
Nish-O-Nash: u dont like wht i did
Nish-O-Nash: fine
Nish-O-Nash: hell with it
Nish-O-Nash: tired of beign at the recieveing end
Nish-O-Nash: ya u are right i dont say wht i feel
Nish-O-Nash: coz i cared about not hurting my loved ones
Nish-O-Nash: yes that may be wrong for u
Nish-O-Nash: so be it
Nish-O-Nash: i had enought
Nish-O-Nash: hell wit u
Nish-O-Nash: n wht u think
Nish-O-Nash: good luck

Part 2

So after he got married, the whole dynamics of our relationship had to change. I had to take my heart, put it back in it's little box and tell it that it was over, heal itself. Of course, I didn't tell him how crushed I was, I'm sure he could tell, but it was too late. He would still joke about me coming down to see him or he would come up and see me. I would joke back that he was a married man and needed to behave. I said this in a joking manner but was very serious. I knew I couldn't see him and be "just friends" when I knew he would return home to his wife. I finally had to be a bit firm about that.

Our relationship then was sort of up and down. I would ask him about his job, his wife, little stuff, all the while still feeling upset. We then would get in arguments about the usual stuff: how I broke his heart, he broke mine, he was married while I wanted him, I had a child, blah blah blah.

Then one day we had an argument which I didn't consider a big thing. It was on the usual topic of why he got married and I told him I didn't see how he could possibly be "forced" into marrying someone he didn't want to marry. He tried to explain that in India, it's different. I finally said I figure it was something I was never going to really understand, different cultures, different styles. He then said something else, I don't even remember what, but then told me he was already upset and didn't need me to "bombard him with my American values." I was like what the heck? Did he suddenly forget that I am American and would thus have American values? It seemed like a low blow to me. It was that distinct separation of my being American and him being Indian. I never felt we were so different, I told him I wouldn't understand simply because cultures can be very different. I never insulted his values or insulted him on the fact that he is Indian. He turned around though and insulted my being American. I then told him that was low and he told me to grow up. That definitely wasn't the correct response.

After that, I couldn't get over the fact that he had insulted me like that. I so much wanted to tell him that if he didn't like it, get the hell out of my country and go back to his little hell hole where most people don't even have washers and dryers. I couldn't say that though; that would be low and uncalled for. Instead I just didn't talk to him for a while. Any communication was initiated by him and I was very cold. I knew I was but did he bother to ask why I was like that? Nope. I knew he knew why I was like that. Otherwise, he would have asked what the heck my problem was. He knew he had insulted me and that I was very angry but he wouldn't apologize. The thing it, he meant it. Maybe that's the part that hurt me the most. It wasn't some nasty comment made while in a fit of anger. It was something said specifically meant to hurt me which he obviously meant. I am proud to be an American and the man I still loved just insulted me in a very large way. The only thing worse he could have said was to insult me on the fact that I'm a woman.

Part 1

I really wonder where it went wrong with him. We didn't actually "date" very long: only 5 months. Actually, I broke up with him twice. I remember the last time I just cried and cried. It was like, I felt the relationship was moving to fast. He seemed to be thinking more long term and I wasn't sure I was ready for that so I got freaked and ran. Maybe it wasn't the best way to handle it but in the end, it didn't really matter. We essentially stayed together for over a year. I never saw anyone else, neither did he, we still had each other.

When I left OSU, I left behind a huge part of my life. I considered campus my sort of home, my friends were dear to me and him, he was my everything. Of course, he graduated and moved far away and I came back home to Kentucky. I did go and visit him once. I was already pregnant and that in and of itself was hard. I remember telling him and he sort of flipped out, asked how I could be so stupid and asked if I was going to keep the baby. I remember at one point he sort of hinted at whether I was ready or if I would just terminate the pregnancy. I told him I would never kill my innocent child and if he didn't know me better than that then he had some real issues. I told him never to bring that up again or we would cease to talk. Naturally it was dropped and the question of adoption or raising the child myself came up. When I did go down to visit him I was a few months pregnant but was not showing at all. It was like the reality hadn't actually set in for him yet.

When I was with him, it was like being at home again. I loved waking up next to him, having coffee with him and going out to this Arabic restaurant for lunch. I guess it was then that it really solidified in my mind that I could marry him and despite the many arguments and quirks we both have, I could and did still love him. Then I invited him to come to my house for Thanksgiving since he didn't have any family here or really any close friends. He told me he'd look into it. I knew right then he wouldn't come. Sure enough, he didn't even look at flights until about 2 weeks before and everyone knows that tickets by then are outrageously expensive and thus he couldn't come. Imagine that. I knew it was because my son had already been born, only a few weeks old at that point.

He told me he was going to India to see his family; it had been over 2 years since he had been home. I was happy for him because I knew he missed his family. I remember telling my mom that he would probably come back engaged. His family had been pushing him ever since I met him to get married, they would arrange it for him. He had always said no but since I seemed to be out of the picture, I thought he might meet some nice Indian girl and give in to his parents' pressure. Well I was right. He called me up (I swear he was drunk) and told me he was engaged. I sounded surprised but on the inside I really wasn't. I actually sat at home and cried. I guess some part of me was still holding on to the hope that we could still be together, maybe not at the present, but someday when he could get over the fact that I had a child with someone else.

Then, just a few days after that he called me again saying he was married. That actually did shock me. Engaged yes, married no. He had told me they'd wait a few months but then said his parents wouldn't let him leave the country unless he was married. (My mom thought they did that because they didn't think he'd return.) I naturally thought that was crap, no one can force you to stay and marry someone unless you consent to it. But in the end, it didn't matter. He was a married man; all my hopes for a future with him were crushed. He was with a woman he barely knew and didn't love.