End

"So, what happened?"

"She told me I had to make up my mind. Not be so indecisive...if I wanted to be with you then great, if not, then I had to tell you and just end it."

"Well, she's right. If she made up her mind to talk to you, I'm glad what she had to say is true."

"Yeah..."

"Yeah. So...what did you decide?"

"What did I decide?"

"Yes. Is this worth it? Do you want to be with me or not?"

"I don't know."

"Oh God..."

Oh my God. I'm going to cry. I'm actually going to cry. This is pathetic. I knew this was coming and yet I want to cry...again. TV...look at the TV...news, focus on the news. This is rediculous, how can he not know if he actually wants to be with me? I think that's a fairly simple question with a simple answer: yes or no. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

"Well, what do you think? What do you want?"

"What I think or want is irrelevant at this point. If you don't want to be with me, whatever I say won't matter. It takes two to tango so if you're not going to be in this relationship, my thoughts don't matter."

"God, I don't know if I'm making the right decision."

"The right decision? Which is what? You're staying or leaving?"

"I don't know. I'm not good with these things. Maybe we should be just friends. Maybe that would be best for everyone."

Best for everyone as in who? I don't want it to end; you're not sure what the hell you want...so who is this best for exactly?

"Ok. That's all you had to say."

Yeah that's all you had to say because I feel like I'm going to cry and if you keep blabbing about how you're not sure if you're doing the right thing, I probably will cry like the stereotypical girl.

"Well, can we still be friends? I mean, I still want to talk and work out together, I don't want to lose our friendship, I just don't know if a relationship is the best thing. God, I don't know if I'm making the right choice."

So you want you're cake and to eat it too. You want to continue on like everything is ok, like everything is the same, only without the relationship part. You want me to be there for you, to talk to you, work out with you, bring you coffee, only you don't owe any commitment to me. That's just great.

"Well the choice is made; you don't have to worry about that anymore but yes, we can be friends."

We can be friends because it's hard for me to lose someone all of the sudden and at this point, I'm still getting free training so why not? Now I can go home and cry because this whole thing was completely pointless. Why have a relationship with me and lead me so far only to end it so abruptly and say he wants to be "just friends." Blah.

Flighty

"What is going on with you? With us?"
"Why don't we sit down."
Oh fuck, here it comes...
"Ok..."
"I don't know exactly."
"You don't know? How do you not know?"
"Well what do you think is going on? Where are we headed?"
What the hell kind of question is that?
"I don't know. You suddenly quit talking to me. I haven't talked to you since the 4th. Don't you think you owe me some kind of explanation for that? We talk every day and then, all of the sudden, you fall off the face of the planet? I don't know what it is but you've changed."
"I think it's that we rarely get to see each other. It seems you're always busy doing something at home or you and your mom are fighting and she won't let you out. I'm just not used to having a third party involved that dictates when we can see each other."
"Fair enough. What else is going on?"
*Looking at tv* "I can't believe Al Gore. Him and global warming. You know his house uses like three times more energy than the average person's house."
"Yes, I am aware of that. What else is going on. You can't tell me my mother is all that is bothering you and why you quit talking to me."
"No that isn't it."
"Ok...then what is?"
Why is he dodging my questions?
*He continues looking at the tv*
"Is it that you just don't want to see me anymore?"
"No that isn't it."
"Then what's going on?"
"I just feel we're moving too fast."
"Wait...we rarely see each other but we're moving too fast?"
"I know, I don't make any sense."
"Not really."
How do I get involved with the most confused and idiotic guys?
"I feel like I call you all the time. Doesn't that bother you?
"No, you would know if it bothered me, I would tell you."
"Oh. Really?"
"Yeah..."
Duh...
"I guess I'm just scared, and I've almost said that word...you know, that word, and that worries me because I think it's too soon and we're moving too fast and I'm just not ready."
So this is my fault that you're insecure?
"Uh huh. So your solution for your fears is to just shut me out and quit talking to me?"
"I know, I'm not good at relationships. I guess it's because I haven't had that many in my life so I'm not very good at communication."
"You've been engaged, you've had plenty of years to be practicing this over your lifetime...you should know that any relationship takes communication."
"Yeah I know."
You know, you're just hoping I get irritated and end it so you don't have to?
"Do you want to be with me or would you rather end it?"
"No, I want to be with you, I care about you I just think we need to slow it up...and I don't think you should come to Florida with me. I got that huge car bill and that was supposed to be my flight money, Christmas money, everything."
Great. So that's his way of saying I'm never going to meet his parents which was the whole point of going to Florida. I can also kiss Christmas gift goodbye. The relationship is also dying and I can expect it to officially end shortly after Christmas.
"Well I figured Florida was off after you got that bill."
That is true but I think you have other motives besides that bill.
"This is just all very new for me. Having a third party, knowing you can't just go out whenever I, or we, want, knowing you can never spend the night with me, it's just a situation I've never been in. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just different."
That means it's bad and he's gearing me for the eventual "it's just too different for me to handle."
"Well yeah, it is different from most situations I suppose."
He knew my situation from the beginning. Why would he get involved with me if this was going to bother him?
"So I'd like to go out this weekend. Will that be a problem?"
"No, that's fine."
Great, awkward date time.
"Are you sure? You're going to be able to?"
Maybe I should say no and save us both the misery. Maybe he really wants me to say no. Fuck, how do I get myself in these situations?
"I'm sure. It's fine."
"Ok good. I'll call you later."
Sure you will. Then it'll be an awkward phone call. Will this be the phone call because you feel like it's your "duty" or because you actually want to talk to me? Fuck...I'm screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So...how'd it go?"
"I don't know. I don't know what he wants. He wants to be with me BUT."
"But? He had a but?"
"Yep. Always a 'but'. He wants to be with me but he doesn't like the third party. He wants to be with me but he doesn't see me enough. He wants to be with me but he's scared."
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?! He either wants to be with you or he doesn't! No 'buts!'"
"Yeah..."
"Leah...it's over. He doesn't have the balls to say it but it's on the downward spiral."
"Yeah, I kind of got that impression."
"If he wanted to be with you, he would find a way to make it work. Regardless of a third party, regardless of how often he got to see you, regardless of anything, he would MAKE IT WORK."
"I don't know what to think."
"No. You know J and A. She was all flighty before they got married and she moved to Florida to live with her sister. J followed her down there, without a job and found and apartment, because he loved her and wasn't going to let her go that easily."
"Wow."
"Yeah. So there's no excuse for his 'buts'. He either wants you or he doesn't. And frankly honey, I know this sounds harsh, but he doesn't want you. He's telling you that without actually saying it. I would expect him to show more maturity at his age but apparently he doesn't have it. You have to let him go before it gets worse...before you get hurt worse."
"I guess we'll go out this weekend and see how it goes. If it's all awkward then I'll just tell him it's obviously not going anywhere."
"Well it's up to you. He was hurt badly by his ex-fiance and is worried that he's going to get hurt again by you, so he's trying to distance himself because he feels he's getting too close to you. That's a recipe for disaster. He needs counseling to learn how to get past that because he'll never have a healthy relationship with that kind of mentality. You will get over this; learn something from this and walk away while you can."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now where does this leave me? Saturday we would have been together for two months and I get the bombshell. No, we're not broken up but we might as well be. Maybe I should change the facebook status to get used to it. Or do I simple put "it's complicated?" I never understood the point of that status but it sure is complicated at the moment. The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards just ending it. I care deeply for him but I really don't feel I should be with someone who makes me cry and who doesn't know what he wants out of a relationship. If he wants someone who is flighty and indecisive, he should be dating a 16 year old. Really though, that is pushing the age gap. I don't know, there are bound to be older women who still don't know what they're doing or what they want in life or out of a relationship. God knows, if I really wanted someone who is just out for a good time, flighty and inexperienced, I'd date a guy my own age or younger. I'm surrounded by them and none of them interest me. We'll see what happens. For now I need to work on sealing off my heart again and count on the worst because it's coming, sooner or later.

Weird Convo

"So I'm thinking a double date with another friend of mine but I have to find a girl for him...anyone you know?"
"Are you assuming I'd be going as your date or are you insinuating you want me to be his date?"
"Either would work. I think I'd take you but I don't know many women so maybe you know a girl for him? Or maybe you'd like to do a single with him. He's 20. Nice guy, virgin, terribly shy around women."
"Wait a damn minute. You want to set me up with your wimpy friend for what? A possible shag? Are you out of your fucking mind?"
"I'm not saying that. He's nice, just needs some encouragement."
"Tell him to go see a shrink. I don't do awkward dates to boost egos and I sure as hell don't do first time shags just so he can feel better about himself. Good God you really are an idiotic asshole."
"Well hey, I wanted you as my girlfriend and you turned me down."
"You idiot, I said you had to take me on a proper date. You can't expect a girl to commit to someone before you take her out properly.
"Well that's not my problem. You turned me down."
"Apparently I didn't miss out on anything when you try to set me up with your friend who is clueless about women. You are apparently clueless about women as well. Besides, what makes you think I'm still on the market for shitty dates anyways?"
**silence**
"Yeah, thank you. Tell your friend to grow some balls and find his own girl. I can't believe you'd be such a dipshit to ask me."
"Well you did like me at one point."
"I have no taste apparently, what can I say?"
"I have to go, my food is ready."
"Later." *click*

That was my conversation yesterday with a sort of acquantance of mine who yes, I considered dating, until I suddenly got asked to fulfill the girlfriend post and said huh? He didn't like that I would hesitate and all the sudden we weren't even really friends. We chat on occassions but I refer to him more as asshole because he essentially stood me up for the date that was supposed to have followed that non-girlfriend conversation. This little blurb was so shocking, thank God I didn't end up with him. It seemed rather creepy don't you think?

Miss America

I left this morning with two bouquets, one a mixed arrangement, the other, red roses. Faye told me I looked like Miss America while I smiled and told her I was being treated like I was Miss America. We both laughed as I walked out the door and got in the car.


"Wow, two this time? He's really smitten with you."


I simply smiled looking at my fresh flowers. I've always been a sucker for flowers. Most girls are really, but if I could afford them, I'd have fresh flowers in my house all the time, I love them that much.

"You're not just being bought are you?"
"You don't really think I'd sink that low do you?"
"No, I don't think so but I wanted to make sure. They are beautiful. He's persuing you hard; he must really like you."
"Yeah, I think so."

Actually I know so but why give away all my secrets? ;)

Friends and Surprises

"Sometimes the best partners are the ones who started out as 'just friends'...the ones you least expected."

I've spent some time thinking on that quote recently and the fact is, it's often true. I think of that movie, Made of Honor, (I think that's what it's called) where he was this woman's best friend and then when she was going to get married to someone else, he realized he really did love her and couldn't let her go so easily. It's always cute in the movies but I wonder how often it really happens in real life. The quote from above may be true but how many people realize it after it's too late?

So what do people in this situation do? Do they make a go for it with their "just friend" and find their happily ever after...or do they fall flat and lose their friendship? You never hear about that in the movies but I'm sure it happens.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, what happens when you're convinced you've found "the one" only to realize you've been wrong the whole time? Do you look at it as wasted time from the real "one" or more of a learning experience? After all, everyone has a lost love somewhere. Or do you walk away only to realize, years later, you had it all along and just couldn't figure out how to work around obstacles that came your way? By then, does it really even matter?

I've had a song by Daughtry stuck in my mind for several days called "No Surprise". I think sometimes I get random songs stuck in my mind for no reason; other songs I think are telling me something I need to hear or be reminded of subconscienciously. (Did I spell that right?) Here are some of the lyrics for those not familiar with the song:

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Adventures in the Water Bowl

I was sitting on the couch in the living room this morning while my son wandered around the house. He got quiet for a minute which means he's doing somethign he shouldn't so I jumped up and went towards the kitchen to find him.

We have dogs and the water bowl is left on the floor in the kitchen. I walked in to find Caleb sitting IN the waterbowl. He wasn't quite cross-legged because he couldn't fit but his diaper was wet, the whole butt portion of his shorts and of course his legs, feet and hands were soaked. I let out a huge gasp upon first seeing him and he looked up at me with the cutest, sweetest smile on his face. One of those, "Look what I did mommy...aren't you proud?"

I couldn't help but laugh. The whole spectacle was so funny I couldn't be angry. I just picked him up and took him upstairs to get a clean diaper and shorts. Since then the water bowl has remained up on a counter and is only brought down when he's confined to his portacrib. I wish I could have had that on video because he looked so blasted cute! :)

Been a While

Oh such things that have happened since I last wrote! I'm in the final countdown for school, beginning the countdown towards the LSAT, started speech therapy with my son, had my heart broken and realized, once again, I have no idea where to go from here. It's a rather pissy feeling to think you have everything figured out and then realize you're completely clueless. Life is just full of surprises isn't it?

There is a ray of hope in that I have finally started getting child support! This eases the burden some...now just to find a job. Hmm...

The rest of life hardly seems worth writing about; it's all depressing and would be of little interest to most people. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'm still not sure what path to take. I want to go to law school but if I don't get in, I might try to pack up, move west and find a grad school. I have no idea what I'd go in to but I'm still hoping law school will work out.

I had another seizure the night before last, just after one in the morning. I "woke up" on my bathroom floor with my mom sitting at my feet asking if I was ok. She explained to me that she'd heard a loud bang followed by a series of other bangs and went racing upstairs to find me convulsing on the floor. I have somewhat of a black eye; it's pretty swollen in some areas but the bruising isn't too bad. Luckily I didn't chew up my tongue which seems to be my favourite thing to do. So I've been spending the last two days doing a lot of sleeping.

I'm currently listening to Apologize by Timbaland and it pretty accurately describs my mood at the moment. It's like one of those songs where you begin to question yourself only to realize it doesn't really matter; what's done is done.

You Should Know

I think about you every day, mostly in the evenings.
It is during the evening that the house is quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts.
I wonder what you're thinking, how work is going and if I creep into your thoughts as often as you creep into mine.

I wish I was there to see you in the morning when you wake and at night as you fall asleep.
I wish I was there to give you a hug when you have "one of those days" and nothing seems to go as it should.
I wish I was there to tease you about how grown up you are and how I remember you in a time that wasn't so long ago and yet seems like decades.

You should know that most of my good stories and memories involve you.
You should also know I expect more of those.

All of my future plans include you and I only hope I am included in yours as well.
I love you.

Ex-friends

So today I got a call from a friend of mine whom I haven't talked to in a little while. Last time we talked, he claimed I was just all that and told me he saw a long term future with me and wanted to know if he had a shot with me. I found that interesting seeing as we hadn't talked in a little while and I know he at least had been dating casually. I wasn't quite sure what to say so, as gently as possible, I told him I liked him as a friend but that was it. I wondered if he would be able to accept that and remain just friends or if he would fade away and no longer talk to me. Some can't remain "just friends" and I can accept that. When I saw him calling on my phone I thought that was a good sign; we could be friends and he had gotten over the rejection.



He told me he was just bored and thought he'd give me a call to see what I was doing. I told him nothing overly interesting but that I did have good news; I told him that I had just gotten the papers today from my attorney saying child support will be starting for my son in about a week. I am in desperate need of the money and was thrilled at the amount. So I told A my good news and he didn't take it at all like I expected. All of my other friends have been very supportive, saying go after the SOB. A on the other hand, proceeded to berate me and essentially tell me how awful I was being.



He said I was being awful for making him pay so much a month (around 360) and that I shouldn't be so hard on the guy who had given me the greatest joy in my life. I said yes, he had a part in that, but that greatest joy isn't cheap. So he asked me how much my son could really cost each month. I told him child support doesn't just cover the exact amount of clothes or diapers but is the overall care of the child. Child support goes towards the house, you know, providing a roof, air, water, electricity, food, diapers, clothes, time and gas for doctors appointments etc. He just couldn't grasp the concept and kept repeating how unfair I was being. I said welcome to life: it isn't fair.



Then, my favourite excuse: he's young and scared. I about flipped out on the phone. That was the same excuse his mother had given me last year as to why he hadn't bothered providing anything for his child or even telling his side of the family until I was nearly 7 months pregnant. So to hear A telling me the exact same thing, I just couldn't believe it. I reminded him that he's nearly a year older than me and somehow I managed to tell my family AND raise the child for the first year without an ounce of help from him. A just told me that I'm very mature and can't expect him to be the same way. My response: bull crap.



So he then explained how it's essentially all my fault because I should have had the sense to make him wear a condom. After all "guys think with their dicks" so it's up to me to hold their hand and make sure they're doing what they should be. I should also be prepared to accept whoever I have sex with that I could spend the rest of my life with them. I apoligized that my hormones apparently got the best of me and I didn't anticipate pregnancy then decide to go for it anyways. Overall, it was horrible. I couldn't believe that someone who claimed to be my friend would so berrate me and then take the side of the nitwit. That put him even lower than nitwit in my mind. I was getting very upset and finally told him I had to go and hung up. Needless to say, we won't be talking again. Originally I wasn't planning on ever talking to him but I figure if he calls or writes, I'll respond and tell him why we won't be friends. I can't be friends with someone who would defend a dead beat dad...especially when they claim to be my friend. So yeah, it was lovely and I was very upset. Still, my mom reminded me that he's simply showing me who he is and it's better I find out now rather than later. With friends like him, who needs enemies?

Blah

I'm bored, simply put. It's nice during the summer that I don't have to go to school but it also gives me extra time to think of all the things I need to be doing. It's dawning on me that I'm still rather clueless about what I'm going to do after graduation. I sent out probably a dozen applications for jobs, mostly part time, that I could do for at least my last semester. I need money and my kidlet certainly isn't getting cheaper. So no one has called for an interview and that's very disheartening.

I'm trying to patch things up here at home; mainly my mom and I seem to be getting on each others' nerves. I'm sure it's because we're both stressed with life in general and we take it out on each other.

I think I must also be rather hormonal because I'm feeling especially lonely. Normally that isn't something I really feel. I may miss someone but I don't feel lonely, per se. Lately though, I've had too much time to think about my lack of job, lack of special someone and too much stress.

On a better note: I have a new pet. My mom rescued a turtle from the highway and brought him home. Sadly, he escaped the enclosure I made for him in less than 24 hours and is who knows where. So today, she called me and said she has rescued three more and is bringing them home. We probably won't keep them all, maybe just one or two. I need to figure out a new construction for a pen; probably a trip to Home Depot will be in order. So that seems to be the most interesting part of life lately...

December

It is official: December, I will be a college graduate. Thank You God! It's amazing how fast time goes; I still remember high school very well, my grand ambitions (none of which I lived up to) and then my downward spiral. Am I sounding like Britney Spears? lol Poor girl, she's getting there.

Given the random stupidity I am prone to, it didn't turn out too bad. I have my little boy that I wouldn't trade for anything and I figure if I hadn't acted so stupid along the way, I never would have had him. I would have changed a few things I did after finding out I was pregnant but that's besides the point. I'm here now and at least I can say I screwed up plenty but still managed to do something decent in life. I was happy to see my high school chapter come to a close and while I've been looking forward to the college chapter also closing, it brings to the forefront of my mind that I'm still rather clueless as to what I'm doing. Well, maybe clueless isn't quite the word I'm looking for; I have a clue what I want, just not sure how to get there from here.

I'm looking at law; it's something I think I would genuinely enjoy and make decent money practicing. So then I'm left looking at what type of law. I like international law, the entire topic fascinates me, but I'm not sure what kind of job I could get with that. I've considered corporate law mainly because of job stability and a decent pay check. Admittedly, I don't know a whole lot about the actual practice; that's something I'd have to learn as I go. Finally, I've been looking at an area I never really considered before but maybe I'd reconsider...criminal law. What really opened me to that was actually the poli sci course I'm taking right now and my teacher so eloquently put, "Some people just need killing." I thought about it and said yep. It reminded me of the musical/movie, Chicago where they sing, "He had it comin'..." Sometimes people are killed and it's wrong absolutely and I doubt I could ever defend someone who went into an office and just went on a killing spree but I could defend the spouse of a deceased person who later hunted that guy out and killed him. Yeah I know, you don't repay violence with violence, it doesn't work, but damnit I would understand it and I could stand there and do everything possible to make sure that person didn't end up in prison. So there would be another interesting avenue.

Right now I'm job hunting for something part time that would hold me over for a while. I am pretty much out of money, trying to raise my son (although my mom provides pretty much everything, shes running out of money too) and of course his sperm donor provides absolutely nothing to help. Boo is seventeen months old, 17, and nitwit hasn't provided so much as a box of diapers for him. It's infuriating really. So he has a job and customizes car parts while I have to go job hunting so I can buy my son things like diapers, milk, clothes, etc.

Anyways, life just seems sort of up in the air as I wait for next fall to hopefully get into law school. That gives me a year to finish up my undergraduate, find a job and save some money. Oh that's right, I don't have enough money to save because whatever I do save goes to the attorney! HA! Oh the ironies of life... I did actually look at domestic law if only because I can so understand the frustrations of the system, the injustices that occur and the prejudices one faces on day one. My mom though told me I would go absolutely crazy. I wouldn't be able to deal with it if only because I would take too much of it to heart and not be able to keep it as "just work." The more I thought of it, the more I realized she was right. I especially couldn't deal with a "father" who would come to me wanting custody of his child when he obviously didn't give a rip...someone like nitwit. I'd probably scream and physically throw them out of my office. Then I'd need another attorney for assault charges and who knows what. lol S0 I scratched that idea but criminal is looking very interesting.

So there's my ramblings on my current life. I only have a plan through December so I'm still working on having things a little more certain. Ah one day at a time...

Bitches

I can admit that at times, I can be a bitch. It's not usually something to brag about but I can admit my faults (usually) and know I have a temper and can be a real bitch on wheels when I want to be. I figure when I'm genuinely being a bitch and someone calls me on it, well I deserve it. However, if I'm not really being bitchy and someone calls me a bitch, it really irritates me. That's just begging me to unleash the inner bitch and show them just how bad I can be.

My little rant here is aimed at two girls I often ride the bus with to school. They go to a high school in a neighborhood on the way; I guess they're about fifteen or sixteen. Normally I don't have problems with anyone on the bus but the three of us have had now two altercations. I got off the bus in downtown Cincinnati and was waiting to catch my second bus that brings me to school. I was waiting and when my bus pulled up I walked up and prepared to step on. Now I was raised with some common courtesy that says if people are getting off the bus, step back, let them get off and then get on. There's not that much room on a bus to get around people and it's just considerate to let everyone get off first. So I was just getting ready to step on when I noticed a bunch of people coming around to get off so I stood to the side. They got off, I was literally just about to step on and these two juveniles just cut right in front of me. I had to stop very quickly lest I step on them; that's how close they were. I was severely irritated but didn't say anything.

So the following day it was the exact same story. I was right there, I let the other people get off and then this stupid girl tried to cut right in front of me again. Here's another thing that irritates me about bus people in general: they race to get on the bus then don't have their money ready so they stop in the middle of the aisle to search through their bags for the proper change thus holding up the entire line. All I have to do is flash my school ID and I just walk on, very quick and easy. So this girl did that the first time while I had to wait behind her and I decided the second day I wasn't putting up with her crap. I was standing there, she tried to cut me off and I just cut right back in front of her. Wow, she did not like that, at all. I flashed my ID and sat down while she was just standing there with a stupid look on her face.

Needless to say, her silence didn't last long. She and her friend flipped out, started swearing and ranting about that bitch (me) who just stepped in front of her. I was sitting there thinking, no, I was just returning the favor. It's ok for her to cut me off and I should stand back like she's the freaking queen of the universe but dear God if I go in front of her, I'm suddenly a bitch. The explitives continued to flow as they moved to the back of the bus. I sat closer to the front just thinking they were a bunch of idiots. Then I hear them in the back saying, yeah she's probably just sitting up there laughing...bitch. That actually did make me laugh, not loudly, more of an inner chuckle. Eventually they calmed down but I'm sure the bitch fest continued once they got to school with all their friends.

Well if I thought that was the last of our altercations, I was certainly wrong. The day before yesterday we had the same start to the story. Only this time she really pushed my button, enough to the point that my inner bitch nearly made her grand appearance. This lady was getting off the bus with this huge suitcase that took up the entire walkway. I waited right outside the door so she could get off and the two bitches cut right in front, not paying any attention to the woman who was tring to get off. So I didn't move and the girls had to stop really abruptly since the lady was right there and I was right behind them. The dumb broad was so close to her friend so that she could cut me off that when the first one suddenly stopped she also had to stop suddenly lest she ram into her friend. Being a dingbat, she lost her balance and stepped back off the bus...right onto my foot.

She's not a big girl but anyone ramming most of their weight from a foot up onto the top of another person's foot, really hurts. I automatically sort of yanked/kicked my foot back. My immediate thought afterwards was to kick her in the ass (literally) and watch her and her friend slam into the metal pole. It was very very tempting. Still, I didn't say anything but I was pissed. Not irritated, pissed. Her friend walked on first and went to the back, I got stuck behind dimwit while she stood in the middle of the aisle searching for her money. I decided I wasn't putting up with her crap and continued on, leaning into my shoulder and totally rammed her as I walked by. I sort of turned, I didn't completely shove her, but I was not careful in trying to avoid her. I figure she wants to stand in the middle of the aisle and piss me off, she was asking for it. So I slammed into her, she staggered back and let out a loud "BITCH." I nearly laughed again because then I really was being a bitch.

What really got me wasn't that she stepped on my foot, that was an accident, it was the fact that she didn't acknowledge it and apologize. I've accidentally done that to people before but I always turn around and apologize; I've had other people do it to me and usually they also apologize. A bunch of people getting on and off the bus, accidents happen, toes get stepped on. She didn't say a word though and that pissed me off. So as she walked down the aisle swearing her friend asked what the bitch (me) had done this time. She shouted that I gave her the soccer shove (or something like that) all because she had stepped on my foot. So the swearing continued and it hacked me off even more that she knew she had stepped on my foot and didn't feel it necessary to say sorry. Then I really wanted to turn around and release my inner bitch. They think calling me a bitch was insulting; they hadn't seen anything. I wanted to teach them some big girl insults and show them what a bitch really looks like because they were obviously clueless. Then the one girl said she hoped I wasn't getting off in their neighborhood because I was asking for it. I wanted to turn around and say I never get off at their shitty high school, I actually had a brain and was in college...dumbass. lol One would think that after insulting me all the time they would recognize that I never get off at their stop. Duh. So I chuckled on the inside again realizing that every other adult on the bus was seeing them as true idiots and they had no idea. I didn't say anything, didn't even turn around...they have no idea what an accomplishment that really is for me. Today though they weren't on the bus so I had a peaceful enough ride and my feet don't hurt. :)

Phone Number

I have long known that men can be rather strange at times. I have a little one myself so yes, men of all ages can be strange. Several weeks back I had a good looking dude start to hit on me. We rode the bus most mornings and while we had never talked, I had always considered him nice eye candy. So we got off the bus here at school and he started talking to me. He had to go to the library; I was heading to the Union. So we parted ways and not surprisingly he stopped by the Union afterwards, found me and we chatted for about a half hour before I had to leave for class.

So he asked for my phone number and I decided to go out on a limb and gave it to him and he in turn gave me his. Now, any sane guy that has a girl who seems even mildly interested would call her and see what becomes of it. Did he ever call? Nope. Dumbass. I'm not sure why he would ask for my number if he had no intention of calling. If he were stupid and lost it, figuring most people are creatures of habit, he should have come to the Union and looked for me. After all, I'm always in the same spot, can't miss me. I think I saw him later talking to another girl; I ignored him and went on working. Men just sometimes don't make sense. Few get my number and those that do, usually have an interest in calling me. Oh well, his loss. I am tempted though if I see him again to just walk up behind him and smack him on the head...just for good measure. lol

So guys, if a girl goes out on a limb for you, don't be an idiot. If you like her, work for her. If you're not genuinely interested, move on and don't throw out false leads. You'll either irritate her or depending on how smitten she was with you, you'll crush her. I've been in both situations; it's a pain in the ass.

Axing vs Asking

I have finally found someone that shares my true passion for the correct pronunciation of the English language. I have a huge prejudice against those who have lived here their entire lives and whose native language is English and yet they cannot speak properly. It's one thing when English is an individual's second language or is just learning the language. With that I can cut them some slack but with someone who is born and raised here in the States, learn proper English. My theatre teacher seems intelligent, uses decent grammar and whatnot, has been a professional actor for a while and seems successful. Then the other day he was talking to us about acting and the use of facial expressions, blah blah blah and he mentioned something about asking a question; only he didn't pronounce ask as "ask" instead, he pronounced it as "axe." Yes, like the tool used for cutting wood. He "axed" a question. I died a little bit on the inside; my respect for him also fell slightly.

I remember the first time I ever heard someone pronounce ask incorrectly. It was when I was in high school and I volunteered at a grade school and there was this little back girl I worked with a lot because she could not construct a sentence to save her life. She came up to me one day and said she wanted to "axe me something." I honestly had no idea what she was saying; I was horribly confused. I asked her what she was talking about and she said she wanted to "axe me a question." Then it dawned on me what she was actually trying to say. I told her the correct word is "ask" which is used in reference to a question; "axe" would entail chopping something up. I had to work with her the rest of the year on that and told her I would not help her in any way unless she learned how to speak to me properly. Whenever she would "axe" something I would just stare at her and then she would say it properly. What is wrong with our school systems that kids can get away with "axing"questions?? So there was the fifth grader saying it and now my theatre teacher, a grown man who calls himself an actor saying "axe" instead of "ask." I swear, if he came to me for an audition and said axe, I'd throw his butt out and tell him not to come back until he learned how to speak English properly.

So up until now I seemed to be the only one that had such a passion for proper pronunciation and grammar until I started talking to this guy in my stats class. I worked with him on a stats exercise so thats how we started chatting. We both had a break after cass: mine in between classes and his before he had to go to work. So he went to get lunch, I came along and munched an apple. I mentioned my theatre teacher and he about died as well. He's from the boonies but knows the importance of proper language skills and uses them himself. I was so glad to know I wasn't alone in my frustration with people. So we had a nice time for 50 minutes chatting about random things. Sadly enough statistics managed to come up randomly and I deemed us both nerds that we can discuss drinking/girls/language and have statistics figure into it. He laughed and agreed then we parted ways. So yay for intelligent eye candy; they're always nice to have around. ;)

Exciting

This evening has been one of the best evenings I've had in quite some time. While the day was uneventful at best, this evening my mom, Caleb and I went over to a friend's house and had dinner with her, her husband, and her two young boys. Caleb was very good, didn't cry at all, just wandered from room to room, trying to pick everything up. We had little snacks and pizza, nothing fancy. It was nice having adult conversation even if I was jumping up every couple seconds to chase after Caleb.

My phone went off and while I normally would ignore any calls while with company, I was hoping to hear back from a certain doctor. While I was in the hospital for my seizure testing I did this huge psychological test which looked at IQ, personality, you name it. They often adminster those for patients hoping for surgery because they can find any issues in the brain that seizures might have had some affect on. For instance, some people may have very bad verbal skills or memory because seizures have actually sort of fried that part of the brain. So I was very interested in what he had to say and left my phone on hoping to hear from this doctor. Now it was actually a doctoral student who administered it who, by the way, was very very cute. He's 24 and working on his doctorate. Damn he was cute. Wish I could have gotten his number; of course when he saw me I was in a hospital gown with wires and goop all over my head so I probably didn't look very nice. lol

Anyways, this doctor (who is like the boss of the guy who tested me) talked to me on the phone for like 20 minutes. Apparently, I am like the perfect candidate for brain surgery which could completely eliminate my seizures. According to the study, I am smarter than 85% of the people in Cincinnati (of those surveyed) and while he couldn't remember my exact IQ, he said it's like 113 or 115, somewhere around there. So he'll present my case to the board and they'll discuss everyone considered for surgery and hopefully I'll get the unanimous vote needed to get the surgery. The doc sounded really optimistic though about it so I'm just praying I can get it done and get it done soon. I am in a great mood just at the thought that I could seriously be considered for this surgery and he said within like 6 months, I could even see my IQ increase by like ten points; that's how drastic the changes can be with this surgery. I go in a couple weeks to see my regular neurologist and we'll see what he says; I'll get more info then and hopefully it's still good news. :D

Stimulation

So I am sitting on the bus and thankfully, TANK has been wonderful enough to make most of the busses wireless accessible. Woo hoo, now on the hour long bus ride I can check email, update the blog and even harass any of my friends that might be online this early in the morning. :)

As I sit with my coffee sloshing around in my stomach I realized I should have brought something to eat because a long bus ride coupled with two cups of coffee and no food does not mix well. Oh well, that's what music blasting in my ear is for, good distraction. A long bus ride also gives me time to ponder things floating around in my brain that I either have no time normally to ponder or choose not to until such a time as this.

I have been thinking about relationships and doing a bit of self analyzing. My mom was a psychology major in undergrad and while she has done finance for a living she is still quite gifted in seeing the hidden sides of people, oftentimes seeing things that individual does not even see. She mentioned something to me which I had never really considered before. She said I am perfectly capable being on my own, I'm not the needy type, but when I find someone I like I am apt to fall head over heels and give them my all. That doesn't mean I'm off to marry them, just that I let my emotions run amuck and don't keep them in check. The more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. I do tend to see the best in people and oftentimes need to tell myself to get a grip and really look at someone for who they are, not for who I want them to be.

For instance, this friend of mine who I've been interested in is nice enough but as I step back and look at who he is as an individual and also as he relates to me, I'm seeing we're probably not the best match. He is young (although older than me) and still a bit stuck in the teenage years of partying and trying to get his life together. I've realized we lack what I crave in a relationship: good conversation. I like sex just as much as the next girl (or maybe more so) and I'm sure he'd be great but if I don't have that mental connection with someone, my interest in them fades quickly. So when his messages to me are usually dominated by his horniness or lack of sex, I am quick to be distracted and quit talking. Last time he messaged me with that, I was busy, really not in the mood and just replied with a "uh huh." He didn't like that. At all. He just said fine, be that way and quit talking. We haven't talked since and honestly, it doesn't bother me. He says he likes me but if he's thinking fuck buddy liking, then he's going to be sorely disappointed. So if he wants me in any form he's going to have to work hard to get his act together because I'm not just hanging around for him.

I have another friend who is similar to him in the sex regard though I'm not sure how he'd be in the sack. I have no issues with my male friends telling me all about their sex lives, a lot of them come to me for advice on how to deal with their girlfriends or just women in general because they all know I am very easy to talk to and am surprised by nothing. So when this friend randomly says he's horny it's like ok. However, when he is constantly saying that and asking when we're going to get together or how I'm the woman of his dreams, it drives me bloody insane. I've tried telling him over and over that we're just friends and will remain that way, I have no interest in him beyond that. It just doesn't seem to be sinking in though. So now I'm at the point that I just don't want to talk to him and often avoid him because I'm tired of the same sex dominated conversations. He doesn't have any real goals and cannot handle me intellectually so my relationship interest in him is zero.

The only one who has been able to handle me intellectually and physically remains only a friend. While I had wanted more it came to the sad reality that we just won't work and will remain friends. I'm happy to have him as one of my best friends and of course have my memories of when we were actually together as a couple.

Then a close family friend, who is the closest I've had to a father, will sometimes talk with me about relationships and says you know Leah, you'll find someone, don't settle. I know that and I think he worries that I think no one will want me because I have a kid and I'll settle for some idiot. Really though I don't worry about that very much. I know what I want in life and while I'd like to have a partner, I will not settle for a bloody idiot. I've had plenty of them around that if I wanted to settle I could but they all lack that ability to stimulate me mentally.

So I'll stick with my eye candy of which I'm able to pick out fairly easily. It's funny, in high school it was always like, ignore the boys because they're idiots and wait till you get to college when they're supposed to be older and more mature. I've come to realize that college is essentially a bigger high school. Boys still chase the girls while the girls play hard to get. The boys are all horny and everyone is still trying to figure out what to do in life. I think that's why I prefer older guys; they're typically past wanting to party and drink themselves into oblivion while trying to get with any girl who will have them. They've also had more life experiences that have taught them how to handle a woman properly and how to use their brain getting thus good conversation. So theres my stint on men and relationships, complicated as they are. The key boys: use your brains, much better shot of getting with a woman if you act like you have a brain and know how to use it. lol

Close

My bus this morning was ten minutes late so of course I missed my second bus and thus my first class. grr. What a way to start the day. So I got off the first bus and approached some guy at the center and asked if it had passed yet. He said I had just missed it to which I replied with a rather loud, fuck! So we started chatting; apparently he's seen me riding a lot. It was nice, I didn't feel he was really hitting on me, just being friendly. Turns out he's fresh out of prison. (go figure!) He was in for 6 years for drugs to which my reply was: well that was stupid. So we kind of chatted about him trying to get his life together and the real desire to stay out of prison. He told me he was surprised I didn't like jump back or act all surprised by the word "prison." I thought about it and realized on the inside I did a slight recoil but after hearing he was in for drugs it was more like whatever. I take care of myself, he's not my type (regardless of prison time) and it was nice just chatting. I told him it would be pointless to recoil, he was obviously an idiot and he payed for it. I'm wonderfully blunt with people. lol So I'm sure I'll see him around again and we'll chat; he was nice, certainly not bf material but cool to talk to while waiting for the bus.

I do actually have a boy I'm interested in and is interested in me as well. We also went to high school together only he was 2 years ahead of me. He's a bit of a wild child and getting his life together finally. Sometimes he'll talk with me and he's kind of wild and crazy but then other times he's very sentimental and will say some of the sweetest things. Of course I can give it right back to him so that's hardly a concern. ;)

I've also decided to do corporate law; I think I have a better chance at finding a job than with international law which is my first passion. I will more than likely stay at my current university and enter their law program which is quite good actually. I wanted to get out but with no money and a young son, it would make more sense for me to stay here. So I'm slowly getting my own life back on track. I'm so close to graduating it's driving me crazy; it's just those last classes I'm trying to line up and they're being a pain in the ass. Still...I'm close!