End

"So, what happened?"

"She told me I had to make up my mind. Not be so indecisive...if I wanted to be with you then great, if not, then I had to tell you and just end it."

"Well, she's right. If she made up her mind to talk to you, I'm glad what she had to say is true."

"Yeah..."

"Yeah. So...what did you decide?"

"What did I decide?"

"Yes. Is this worth it? Do you want to be with me or not?"

"I don't know."

"Oh God..."

Oh my God. I'm going to cry. I'm actually going to cry. This is pathetic. I knew this was coming and yet I want to cry...again. TV...look at the TV...news, focus on the news. This is rediculous, how can he not know if he actually wants to be with me? I think that's a fairly simple question with a simple answer: yes or no. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

"Well, what do you think? What do you want?"

"What I think or want is irrelevant at this point. If you don't want to be with me, whatever I say won't matter. It takes two to tango so if you're not going to be in this relationship, my thoughts don't matter."

"God, I don't know if I'm making the right decision."

"The right decision? Which is what? You're staying or leaving?"

"I don't know. I'm not good with these things. Maybe we should be just friends. Maybe that would be best for everyone."

Best for everyone as in who? I don't want it to end; you're not sure what the hell you want...so who is this best for exactly?

"Ok. That's all you had to say."

Yeah that's all you had to say because I feel like I'm going to cry and if you keep blabbing about how you're not sure if you're doing the right thing, I probably will cry like the stereotypical girl.

"Well, can we still be friends? I mean, I still want to talk and work out together, I don't want to lose our friendship, I just don't know if a relationship is the best thing. God, I don't know if I'm making the right choice."

So you want you're cake and to eat it too. You want to continue on like everything is ok, like everything is the same, only without the relationship part. You want me to be there for you, to talk to you, work out with you, bring you coffee, only you don't owe any commitment to me. That's just great.

"Well the choice is made; you don't have to worry about that anymore but yes, we can be friends."

We can be friends because it's hard for me to lose someone all of the sudden and at this point, I'm still getting free training so why not? Now I can go home and cry because this whole thing was completely pointless. Why have a relationship with me and lead me so far only to end it so abruptly and say he wants to be "just friends." Blah.

Flighty

"What is going on with you? With us?"
"Why don't we sit down."
Oh fuck, here it comes...
"Ok..."
"I don't know exactly."
"You don't know? How do you not know?"
"Well what do you think is going on? Where are we headed?"
What the hell kind of question is that?
"I don't know. You suddenly quit talking to me. I haven't talked to you since the 4th. Don't you think you owe me some kind of explanation for that? We talk every day and then, all of the sudden, you fall off the face of the planet? I don't know what it is but you've changed."
"I think it's that we rarely get to see each other. It seems you're always busy doing something at home or you and your mom are fighting and she won't let you out. I'm just not used to having a third party involved that dictates when we can see each other."
"Fair enough. What else is going on?"
*Looking at tv* "I can't believe Al Gore. Him and global warming. You know his house uses like three times more energy than the average person's house."
"Yes, I am aware of that. What else is going on. You can't tell me my mother is all that is bothering you and why you quit talking to me."
"No that isn't it."
"Ok...then what is?"
Why is he dodging my questions?
*He continues looking at the tv*
"Is it that you just don't want to see me anymore?"
"No that isn't it."
"Then what's going on?"
"I just feel we're moving too fast."
"Wait...we rarely see each other but we're moving too fast?"
"I know, I don't make any sense."
"Not really."
How do I get involved with the most confused and idiotic guys?
"I feel like I call you all the time. Doesn't that bother you?
"No, you would know if it bothered me, I would tell you."
"Oh. Really?"
"Yeah..."
Duh...
"I guess I'm just scared, and I've almost said that word...you know, that word, and that worries me because I think it's too soon and we're moving too fast and I'm just not ready."
So this is my fault that you're insecure?
"Uh huh. So your solution for your fears is to just shut me out and quit talking to me?"
"I know, I'm not good at relationships. I guess it's because I haven't had that many in my life so I'm not very good at communication."
"You've been engaged, you've had plenty of years to be practicing this over your lifetime...you should know that any relationship takes communication."
"Yeah I know."
You know, you're just hoping I get irritated and end it so you don't have to?
"Do you want to be with me or would you rather end it?"
"No, I want to be with you, I care about you I just think we need to slow it up...and I don't think you should come to Florida with me. I got that huge car bill and that was supposed to be my flight money, Christmas money, everything."
Great. So that's his way of saying I'm never going to meet his parents which was the whole point of going to Florida. I can also kiss Christmas gift goodbye. The relationship is also dying and I can expect it to officially end shortly after Christmas.
"Well I figured Florida was off after you got that bill."
That is true but I think you have other motives besides that bill.
"This is just all very new for me. Having a third party, knowing you can't just go out whenever I, or we, want, knowing you can never spend the night with me, it's just a situation I've never been in. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just different."
That means it's bad and he's gearing me for the eventual "it's just too different for me to handle."
"Well yeah, it is different from most situations I suppose."
He knew my situation from the beginning. Why would he get involved with me if this was going to bother him?
"So I'd like to go out this weekend. Will that be a problem?"
"No, that's fine."
Great, awkward date time.
"Are you sure? You're going to be able to?"
Maybe I should say no and save us both the misery. Maybe he really wants me to say no. Fuck, how do I get myself in these situations?
"I'm sure. It's fine."
"Ok good. I'll call you later."
Sure you will. Then it'll be an awkward phone call. Will this be the phone call because you feel like it's your "duty" or because you actually want to talk to me? Fuck...I'm screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So...how'd it go?"
"I don't know. I don't know what he wants. He wants to be with me BUT."
"But? He had a but?"
"Yep. Always a 'but'. He wants to be with me but he doesn't like the third party. He wants to be with me but he doesn't see me enough. He wants to be with me but he's scared."
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?! He either wants to be with you or he doesn't! No 'buts!'"
"Yeah..."
"Leah...it's over. He doesn't have the balls to say it but it's on the downward spiral."
"Yeah, I kind of got that impression."
"If he wanted to be with you, he would find a way to make it work. Regardless of a third party, regardless of how often he got to see you, regardless of anything, he would MAKE IT WORK."
"I don't know what to think."
"No. You know J and A. She was all flighty before they got married and she moved to Florida to live with her sister. J followed her down there, without a job and found and apartment, because he loved her and wasn't going to let her go that easily."
"Wow."
"Yeah. So there's no excuse for his 'buts'. He either wants you or he doesn't. And frankly honey, I know this sounds harsh, but he doesn't want you. He's telling you that without actually saying it. I would expect him to show more maturity at his age but apparently he doesn't have it. You have to let him go before it gets worse...before you get hurt worse."
"I guess we'll go out this weekend and see how it goes. If it's all awkward then I'll just tell him it's obviously not going anywhere."
"Well it's up to you. He was hurt badly by his ex-fiance and is worried that he's going to get hurt again by you, so he's trying to distance himself because he feels he's getting too close to you. That's a recipe for disaster. He needs counseling to learn how to get past that because he'll never have a healthy relationship with that kind of mentality. You will get over this; learn something from this and walk away while you can."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now where does this leave me? Saturday we would have been together for two months and I get the bombshell. No, we're not broken up but we might as well be. Maybe I should change the facebook status to get used to it. Or do I simple put "it's complicated?" I never understood the point of that status but it sure is complicated at the moment. The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards just ending it. I care deeply for him but I really don't feel I should be with someone who makes me cry and who doesn't know what he wants out of a relationship. If he wants someone who is flighty and indecisive, he should be dating a 16 year old. Really though, that is pushing the age gap. I don't know, there are bound to be older women who still don't know what they're doing or what they want in life or out of a relationship. God knows, if I really wanted someone who is just out for a good time, flighty and inexperienced, I'd date a guy my own age or younger. I'm surrounded by them and none of them interest me. We'll see what happens. For now I need to work on sealing off my heart again and count on the worst because it's coming, sooner or later.