Anxiety

My mom is in nursing school big time so she receives many information regarding physical and mental health because nurses handle both sides. Her bachelor's degree is also in psychology so she has plenty of history in the topic. Her current topic in school is a lot of the psychological aspects and she's dealing personally with a lot of kids with some scary issues.

So as we were discussing the general psychological topic last week, she mentioned the anxiety disorder and thinking I might have that so, what did I think? I already have a seizure disorder so adding other disorders on top of it, I never find thrilling, especially not a mental disorder. I asked her why she thought I might have that and why she was fishing for a bizarre disorder. She mentioned how tremendously jumpy I am. One day, I was standing down in the laundry room, looking at a large quilt I was folding, suddenly looked up and she was simply standing in the doorway and I jumped back and let out a huge gasp with some weird noise. She also pointed out I had a bizarre look and my face like shook or quivered. Yeah, I was weird. So you can imagine if someone actually tries to scare me, it's bad. I've been like that for a very long time but she said no, I didn't use to be like that and something has changed.

I looked up the other signs of an anxiety disorder and really don't fit most of them so I pointed that out to her and we both got some laughs. She mentioned that I am often on her mind. She tells me often that I cannot worry so much about the things that I have no control over but I am "one of those people." Some things even if I "vent" regarding, doesn't make me feel any better. Other things if I vent over, will most likely get me in trouble. Thus, what do I do? Keep it all inside. What good does that do me? Absolutely fucking nothing! So with her thinking I have an "anxiety disorder" I really doubt it.

Mothers Carry On

It's interesting in how kids were raised, they often carry it on in how they raise their kids. Granted, the things they didn't like, they change, so it's never the exact same. The things they found effective or even like though, they keep and raise their children using. I have found I raise my son using many of the aspects with which I was raised.

It seems many parents these days do not believe in physical disciple of their children. Really that means spanking their bratty kids on the butt when they get out of hand. There is a huge difference between abusing a child and disciplining a child and I think some don't think about that or don't understand the difference. Who knows what the excuse is; they think simply telling their children that they're not happy will really change what the child is doing. My mom would tell my sister and me that she wasn't happy and then count to one. That was the not subtle saying that we better knock it off right now. If we failed to do so, she said to knock it off right now or else, two. That was usually when we stopped bickering or whatever stupid things kids can do. If we couldn't get control of our attitudes, she said three and that was when we got spanked. Now when we got spanked, it was not just the little tap on the butt that I've seen some parents give where the kid barely blinks. No, a spanking was well worth my mother's and our time. Did we bruise or were we somehow destroyed like some tend to think these days? No. Did it hurt enough for us to think "Wow, that hurt like heck and we really, really don't want to go there again."? Oh yeah! So next time we got to that position, she could get to two and we shut up lest we get to that spanking position again.

That is now how I raise my son. Granted, he is autistic so he has more wiggle room. I am able to tell when he is simply acting like a brat and when his autism is taking over him. When the autism is taking over, no amount of discipline will do anything and really, that is not his fault, there is nothing he can do. I have a seizure disorder; it'd be like telling me mid-seizure to knock it off or I'd get spanked. Yeah, no control when a seizure decides to take over. When the autism gets out of control, nothing helps, good or bad. That's when it's time to try to change the atmosphere so he can get in control. Now, when he's simply acting like a toddler brat, oh yeah, he can be told to get his act together. Then sometimes he does, other times he doesn't and he gets disciplined by me just as I was disciplined when I was a kid.

I see sometimes how usually older adults will look at us when my son's autism has taken over and sort of have that look on their face like, "can't that woman get control of that kid." I understand that feeling because that's one I've often felt towards women who let their kids run all over the place or scream and don't try to comfort them, etc. I'm not about to explain to every individual though that my son is autistic and that being in a busy grocery store can sometimes overwhelm him and no, I can't get control until we leave or they dim the lights and get all of you obnoxious people out of the sore. My mom actually came up with the very effective manner of really compressing his head and that calmed him immensely. Why that worked? No idea but oftentimes, that hard compression on the whole body or certain parts of the body helps those dealing with autism. Many people had sort of a horrified look on their face as a woman looked like she was trying to break a child's head but it so helped him that neither of us cared what anyone else thought. So there ya go everyone! Learn good things from your mothers and things that you really feel need changing, change it for the better things. :)

Wow, One Year!

It's amazing how it's been a year since I have posted and how things can change. Dreams change, mind settings change, drives change and I think even my tolerance continues to change.

I remember when I was a little kid, my big dream was to be a radiologist. I saw x-rays and was fascinated with their usage to understand the body, issues and make a diagnosis. Did I really understand the wide scope of radiology? No, but I was a young child. I still remember the shock that people had when I was in first grade and some would answer how they wanted to be a ballerina or a firefighter and my answer was to be a radiologist. I kept that dream until high school where I struggled with biology and realized if I struggled with high school, I had no hopes of surviving med school so I should really move on. A fascination doesn't mean you really cut it.

I developed another dream which I really saw as just a dream; one that is fascinating and I'm sure plenty day-dream about but keep it as just that: a day-dream. However, I'm seeing now how to get a hold of that, how to get closer. I only discuss it with one because if I never make it, then no harm done; if I make it, then I have fulfilled one of my dreams.

I did have brain surgery in hopes of escaping the many seizures I have. I spent three weeks in the hospital and had two surgeries. I cannot possibly explain the excruciating pain involved. I hear people now say that they had such horrible pain, blah blah, oh my gosh, it was awful! I know that it must have been the worst pain they had ever experienced so sure, it seemed pretty bad. However, it is hard for me to keep fawning over them and saying, "Oh, you poor thing! I'm glad you made it out of the hospital after a few days/one week!) Even if there for a couple weeks, I know their pain couldn't be near as bad as mine. Granted, anything involving the brain and I can absolutely empathize and know how awful it is. Anything else, when they can complain, it's not that bad. I remember being in there, lights out, drapes closed, sunglasses on, head buried in the pillows under my arm and it was still too bright. Simply moving and it caused the throbbing to increase by at least a couple hundred times. Apparently I went five days without eating and was forced to eat then, threw up several times, etc. Yeah, brutal. I should write a whole post about that, it's bad..

My son should be getting into the ABA certified school this fall. This means his autism will be fully tackled by those who know how to fully handle autistic kids and I saw such improvement in him when he was there for a short time. It was a bit difficult getting the funding to get him in but it's done; he should be ready for the fall. He wants to read so while we work on that at home, I'm sure he'll just take off at school.

On my personal note, I had a friend tell me I have too high standards. I thought about that and disagreed. I have a young son so I know what we need and what I want for the two of us. I have seen the good and the bad and I was raised by a single parent. Granted, she was married for a short period of time and that was actually when the bad started coming on. I really, really don't want that. So I've been asked why I won't take someone back if I love them or why I'd leave them if I truly love them and that's because I rationally look at the future. I can have all the love now but if I see failure in the near future, it's not rational to so hurt both families, ourselves, my son and properties involved. Some simply call me rational in being able to look that far in the future and essentially remove myself from the picture to evaluate. I tend to agree with that, obviously!

So Much for That

One more month. That was all I had left was one lousy month. The end of June and I could have gone for my temps and then my liscence. So yesterday at work I was helping a customer with a lawnmower and the next thing I know, I was laying on the groung, my head in a coworker's lap, surrounded by a bunch of my other's coworkers. I had no inclination to move so I just layed there looking at everyone. At the moment I had no idea what happened but no one seemed concerned that I was laying down so I figured I'd just stay down there.

My coworker smoothed my hair and I smiled at the half dozen people around me. After five or ten minutes, paramedics came walking forward and then it started to dawn on me that something bad must have happened. I noticed the one paramedic was very cute and he asked if I knew what happened. I said nope but that he was probably going to tell me. I had apparently had a four minute seizure. Go figure, that would explain my laying on the ground. He shined a light in my eyes and began asking me questions. He asked me if I knew the date and I said no but that I usually don't know the date which is why I have to look at my phone. He asked me the name of the president. "Shit," I responded, "I can see his face. Give me a minute and I'll think of his name." He told me they were taking me to the hospital. I told him I was fine, I just needed a minute. Then I saw the stretcher. "You've got to be kidding. A stretcher? I can't at least walk out of here?" He said nope, they were wheeling me out. Of course then I stood up and I thought I might not be able to walk if I tried.

They wheeled me out and loaded me into the ambulance. They hooked me up to the oxygen and took me to the ER. Apparently the biggest warning was when I couldn't even think of the presiden't name. Who doesn't know that dude's name? When I got there I called my mom and told her I'd had a four minute seizure and told her which hospital they'd taken me to. She later showed up, upset that my work hadn't called her seeing as she's my emergency contact. So, I've spent the past couple of days sleeping. My face is banged up, my tongue is chewed up and my body is sore. Luckily I don't have to work for a couple days but I'm sure it's spread all over the place and I'll have plenty of people asking what happened when I return.

Been a While

Holy crap, has it really been 5 months since I last wrote? That's not to say I haven't had plenty going on; in fact, the opposite seems to be true. I often feel that my life is like a roller coaster: it's going great for a while until the peak hits and then it's all down hill from there. Once I hit rock bottom and feel like I'm going to pull my hair out, the climb starts again. Crazy really...

An old friend reconnected with me and explained why we had such a huge falling out. In short, it was my fault as it seems to always be. I said some insensitive things that in hindsight I probably shouldn't have said, he said some things I feel he shouldn't have said but to which he stands by. He said I am stubborn and essentially have no "wiggle room." It's my way or the highway kind of thing. In a way, he's right. I have certain things I can and cannot accept, mostly for my own sanity and protection.

I was told by another that I am stubborn and unbending. I could be happily married but choose to hold to my pride and be unforgiving. Another told me he'd gladly marry me and have ten kids with me. I reminded them both that they left me with a broken heart and call me prideful, unbending or a slew of other words, I won't go back. Maybe a support group should be started for the men I seem to hurt and I'll be my own support group for what I seem to do to myself.

I fear more an unhappy marriage than being heartbroken and single. I don't feel I'll never find my soulmate but even if I don't, I'd rather remain single than go through a divorce and have kids, a house, money and whatnot involved. I know it sounds pessimistic but if a relationship can't work as just dating, how on earth would a marriage survive? Call my selfish but I can't put my heart out there multiple times for men that have already broken it once.

I sure can pick em can't I? It's amazing though, I don't know if it's because I've been dropping weight right and left or because I've just decided what I can and can't accept from men and that makes it simpler from my point of view, but they seem to be crawling out of the woodwork. I am currently dating a great guy who, at least for the time being, has put up with my complications of being a mom and not being able to get away much. I had another (total cutie btw) try to slyly ask me on a date a couple times but I let it slide by because of my current dude. Had I not been seeing anyone, I would have jumped on the opportunity but I acted as if I hadn't realized what he was going for. Another guy is determined to make me his girlfriend after having gone on one date a while ago (before current guy) and nothing I do can seem to convince him otherwise. Another constantly talks to me, smiles and is totally hot as while. I'd ask him out as well...

My mom simply laughs and says I have big boobs and that hourglass figure which shows I have curves without being a string bean. One of my guy friends: "And your ass! Love your ass!" lol So yes, definitely getting closer to where I want to be and plenty of hot dudes are noticing. I'm happy with the man I have and wouldn't betray his trust by seeing anyone else but hey, if it doesn't work out, I have backups as to who I'd ask out.

On other notes, my son is most likely autistic and apraxic so I'm looking at getting him into a school that deals with apraxic children. I think he would do phenominally because they use sign language and speech at the same time. He, my mom and I are all learning sign language at home and he is picking it up at a very quick rate. The words we know, we use with him along with the speech and he uses the signs as well as his "version" of the words. His one speech therapist is against the school for who knows what reason. She seems so desperate for him to talk after a year of therapy that she's convinced he doesn't have any real problems and thus wouldn't need special help or sign language. I like her as a person but as a therapist, she's starting to get on my nerves. I really enjoy learning sign language. I have always liked new languages and this one just makes sense. It seems difficult when you're just watching someone who is fluent in it but once it's broken down piece by piece, it's so simple. I ask my son simple sentences in sign like, "Do you want to go on a walk?" or "Are you hungry?" and he is able to respond in sign so that I can get him what he wants. It has removed so much frustration for him. He tries to say the words that he wants and I am able to understand him and the signing has taken that pressure off. Plus, it's just cool to know that you can say anything you want with only your hands. :)

I've been seizure free since December so let's hope I am able to keep that up through June. I have to go six months without issues before I am able to drive. The longest I have made it is five months before I had two grand mal seizures and thus the countdown started all over again. My home life is rather sucky and tense, I think because I am feeling that need for more independence and I'm feeling trapped. My mom feels I don't do anything, I feel her expectations are unreasonable and what I do is never good enough so I'm unmotivated to do anything extra. So it's a lose-lose battle. I don't know that driving would necessarily solve it but it would alleviate some of the pressure of her having to drive me everywhere. Just hope my little brain doesn't go on the fritz!

I guess that's the low-down of what's been going on these past months. It's been good, it's been bad and it's been ugly. Daughtry's "No Surprise" has been stuck in my mind for days and I'm not entirely sure why. The last time I had that stuck in my mind for days was after a breakup and I was very upset. It's a good "upset song." Maybe I need to get out my ipod and blare some Nickelback. Nickelback is my angry, pick-me-up, get me moving, wake me up, whatever I need it to be, there's always a song in there that will do what I need it to do. I think I have two or three albums of theirs on there so that's pretty much what I listen to when I need to be on the go. So, that's the end of my saga and now it's class time!

End

"So, what happened?"

"She told me I had to make up my mind. Not be so indecisive...if I wanted to be with you then great, if not, then I had to tell you and just end it."

"Well, she's right. If she made up her mind to talk to you, I'm glad what she had to say is true."

"Yeah..."

"Yeah. So...what did you decide?"

"What did I decide?"

"Yes. Is this worth it? Do you want to be with me or not?"

"I don't know."

"Oh God..."

Oh my God. I'm going to cry. I'm actually going to cry. This is pathetic. I knew this was coming and yet I want to cry...again. TV...look at the TV...news, focus on the news. This is rediculous, how can he not know if he actually wants to be with me? I think that's a fairly simple question with a simple answer: yes or no. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

"Well, what do you think? What do you want?"

"What I think or want is irrelevant at this point. If you don't want to be with me, whatever I say won't matter. It takes two to tango so if you're not going to be in this relationship, my thoughts don't matter."

"God, I don't know if I'm making the right decision."

"The right decision? Which is what? You're staying or leaving?"

"I don't know. I'm not good with these things. Maybe we should be just friends. Maybe that would be best for everyone."

Best for everyone as in who? I don't want it to end; you're not sure what the hell you want...so who is this best for exactly?

"Ok. That's all you had to say."

Yeah that's all you had to say because I feel like I'm going to cry and if you keep blabbing about how you're not sure if you're doing the right thing, I probably will cry like the stereotypical girl.

"Well, can we still be friends? I mean, I still want to talk and work out together, I don't want to lose our friendship, I just don't know if a relationship is the best thing. God, I don't know if I'm making the right choice."

So you want you're cake and to eat it too. You want to continue on like everything is ok, like everything is the same, only without the relationship part. You want me to be there for you, to talk to you, work out with you, bring you coffee, only you don't owe any commitment to me. That's just great.

"Well the choice is made; you don't have to worry about that anymore but yes, we can be friends."

We can be friends because it's hard for me to lose someone all of the sudden and at this point, I'm still getting free training so why not? Now I can go home and cry because this whole thing was completely pointless. Why have a relationship with me and lead me so far only to end it so abruptly and say he wants to be "just friends." Blah.

Flighty

"What is going on with you? With us?"
"Why don't we sit down."
Oh fuck, here it comes...
"Ok..."
"I don't know exactly."
"You don't know? How do you not know?"
"Well what do you think is going on? Where are we headed?"
What the hell kind of question is that?
"I don't know. You suddenly quit talking to me. I haven't talked to you since the 4th. Don't you think you owe me some kind of explanation for that? We talk every day and then, all of the sudden, you fall off the face of the planet? I don't know what it is but you've changed."
"I think it's that we rarely get to see each other. It seems you're always busy doing something at home or you and your mom are fighting and she won't let you out. I'm just not used to having a third party involved that dictates when we can see each other."
"Fair enough. What else is going on?"
*Looking at tv* "I can't believe Al Gore. Him and global warming. You know his house uses like three times more energy than the average person's house."
"Yes, I am aware of that. What else is going on. You can't tell me my mother is all that is bothering you and why you quit talking to me."
"No that isn't it."
"Ok...then what is?"
Why is he dodging my questions?
*He continues looking at the tv*
"Is it that you just don't want to see me anymore?"
"No that isn't it."
"Then what's going on?"
"I just feel we're moving too fast."
"Wait...we rarely see each other but we're moving too fast?"
"I know, I don't make any sense."
"Not really."
How do I get involved with the most confused and idiotic guys?
"I feel like I call you all the time. Doesn't that bother you?
"No, you would know if it bothered me, I would tell you."
"Oh. Really?"
"Yeah..."
Duh...
"I guess I'm just scared, and I've almost said that word...you know, that word, and that worries me because I think it's too soon and we're moving too fast and I'm just not ready."
So this is my fault that you're insecure?
"Uh huh. So your solution for your fears is to just shut me out and quit talking to me?"
"I know, I'm not good at relationships. I guess it's because I haven't had that many in my life so I'm not very good at communication."
"You've been engaged, you've had plenty of years to be practicing this over your lifetime...you should know that any relationship takes communication."
"Yeah I know."
You know, you're just hoping I get irritated and end it so you don't have to?
"Do you want to be with me or would you rather end it?"
"No, I want to be with you, I care about you I just think we need to slow it up...and I don't think you should come to Florida with me. I got that huge car bill and that was supposed to be my flight money, Christmas money, everything."
Great. So that's his way of saying I'm never going to meet his parents which was the whole point of going to Florida. I can also kiss Christmas gift goodbye. The relationship is also dying and I can expect it to officially end shortly after Christmas.
"Well I figured Florida was off after you got that bill."
That is true but I think you have other motives besides that bill.
"This is just all very new for me. Having a third party, knowing you can't just go out whenever I, or we, want, knowing you can never spend the night with me, it's just a situation I've never been in. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just different."
That means it's bad and he's gearing me for the eventual "it's just too different for me to handle."
"Well yeah, it is different from most situations I suppose."
He knew my situation from the beginning. Why would he get involved with me if this was going to bother him?
"So I'd like to go out this weekend. Will that be a problem?"
"No, that's fine."
Great, awkward date time.
"Are you sure? You're going to be able to?"
Maybe I should say no and save us both the misery. Maybe he really wants me to say no. Fuck, how do I get myself in these situations?
"I'm sure. It's fine."
"Ok good. I'll call you later."
Sure you will. Then it'll be an awkward phone call. Will this be the phone call because you feel like it's your "duty" or because you actually want to talk to me? Fuck...I'm screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So...how'd it go?"
"I don't know. I don't know what he wants. He wants to be with me BUT."
"But? He had a but?"
"Yep. Always a 'but'. He wants to be with me but he doesn't like the third party. He wants to be with me but he doesn't see me enough. He wants to be with me but he's scared."
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?! He either wants to be with you or he doesn't! No 'buts!'"
"Yeah..."
"Leah...it's over. He doesn't have the balls to say it but it's on the downward spiral."
"Yeah, I kind of got that impression."
"If he wanted to be with you, he would find a way to make it work. Regardless of a third party, regardless of how often he got to see you, regardless of anything, he would MAKE IT WORK."
"I don't know what to think."
"No. You know J and A. She was all flighty before they got married and she moved to Florida to live with her sister. J followed her down there, without a job and found and apartment, because he loved her and wasn't going to let her go that easily."
"Wow."
"Yeah. So there's no excuse for his 'buts'. He either wants you or he doesn't. And frankly honey, I know this sounds harsh, but he doesn't want you. He's telling you that without actually saying it. I would expect him to show more maturity at his age but apparently he doesn't have it. You have to let him go before it gets worse...before you get hurt worse."
"I guess we'll go out this weekend and see how it goes. If it's all awkward then I'll just tell him it's obviously not going anywhere."
"Well it's up to you. He was hurt badly by his ex-fiance and is worried that he's going to get hurt again by you, so he's trying to distance himself because he feels he's getting too close to you. That's a recipe for disaster. He needs counseling to learn how to get past that because he'll never have a healthy relationship with that kind of mentality. You will get over this; learn something from this and walk away while you can."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now where does this leave me? Saturday we would have been together for two months and I get the bombshell. No, we're not broken up but we might as well be. Maybe I should change the facebook status to get used to it. Or do I simple put "it's complicated?" I never understood the point of that status but it sure is complicated at the moment. The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards just ending it. I care deeply for him but I really don't feel I should be with someone who makes me cry and who doesn't know what he wants out of a relationship. If he wants someone who is flighty and indecisive, he should be dating a 16 year old. Really though, that is pushing the age gap. I don't know, there are bound to be older women who still don't know what they're doing or what they want in life or out of a relationship. God knows, if I really wanted someone who is just out for a good time, flighty and inexperienced, I'd date a guy my own age or younger. I'm surrounded by them and none of them interest me. We'll see what happens. For now I need to work on sealing off my heart again and count on the worst because it's coming, sooner or later.