I am only writing this right now because I am so incredibly bored. So be warned...it will all be pointless and random rambling. So...what to write... I am preparing for my exams. I have arabic oral next week, the written part the week after and that same week I have my international studies midterm. So Im getting my outline together for that one and Im already working on my second sheet of paper (front and back). I'm essentially going to have a 4 page outline when I'm finished...lovely. Thats gonna be a bitch to write in the exam, there are 5 essays like this. So I got ragged on about doing work this late on a Friday night. What else am I going to do though? Might as well be mildly productive...
So I watched the show "House" with Jess and Toast. It was a good one...next week's looks even better. It is one of my favorite shows and I watch it every week that I can. Im going on 4 hours of sleep, I feel exhausted and yet have no desire to go to bed. I hardly ever go to bed before 2 (though the other night I managed to get in bed early...well for me anyway: 1:30) but now Im wondering if I get a shower and then just lay there in bed till after 2 when I can finally drift off. Then I think, nah I might as well stay up until Im absolutely, positively exhausted and then I'll sleep well. I visited a friend today, hes having some medical issues but it makes me happy that he knows he can count on me to be there for him. I am very good to my friends, I can be so incredibly pissed at one of them for quite some time but when it comes right down to it, if they need me...Im there, no questions asked. I may be perverted, sarcastic, and even at times somewhat mean, but I am always one that people can count on. I think this trust that I have with people is what makes it so easy for them to talk to me. They know I won't go blabbing all their secrets or rag on them endlessly for being stupid. Well...I do that to one of my friends regarding a certain subject but we are good friends and we put up with each others crap. lol
So now that I have wasted a sufficient amount of time, Im going to go and waste more time doing something else pointless...study, listen to music, play games online, who knows. Currently I'm listening to "Everything I Do" by Bryan Adams. It is one of my favorite songs of all time. To me, it is one of the sweetest love songs, it doesn't have to be all mushy to be great. It's just simple but powerful...I think anyways. I know people that absolutely hate it but as I always say...to each his own. Here is a link that you can hear it on: http://play.rhapsody.com/bryanadams/thebestofme/everythingidoidoforyou?didAutoplayBounce=true Hope you like it...if you don't...oh well!!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Giving Up
I have never considered myself a quitter. I have had many stressful situations and have always managed to pull through. However, I am at the end of my rope. I have been there once before and it was frightening. Well, apparently it wasn't that bad because Im right back there again. I hate my majors. I've realized over the past couple quarters that I have come to really HATE them. As in every day I wake up and wish I could simply sleep my days away without worrying about them. I can't stand arabic. I dread class, feel like a moron when I get in there, hate doing the homework, and would rather lose my arm than take the exams. Then poli sci I'm left falling asleep, getting theories confused, and generally being bored. So now I sit with 2 majors that I hate learning and wondering why the hell I do it. Oh thats right...I like the idea of what I can do after college, the only problem being I can't seem to get out of college alive. I want an exciting job where I make good money and generally enjoy myself. I can't stand the thought of a desk job but it's lookin pretty damn good compared to what Im in currently.
I hate the thought of having to face people and say I'm no longer doing what I set out to do. I can just hear the snide remarks and snickers. Most of all I will never hear the end of it from my mother. I will constantly be reminded of what a failure I am and I don't know how I'll handle that. But it won't be the first time nor the last I dare say so I might as well save myself a little bit of sanity right? lol So now Im thinking I'll go back to my roots, the last language I really enjoyed and was good at: german. I really do like that language, I liked learning it, I liked speaking it. All of it...I loved it. Then I'd have to pair something with it so the best I can figure is international business. I want something international where I can work with lots of different people. My current majors would have allowed me to do that but if I drop them I need to have semi-decent replacements. So thats what Im thinking, german and international business. We'll see...first I just have to survive this quarter.
I hate the thought of having to face people and say I'm no longer doing what I set out to do. I can just hear the snide remarks and snickers. Most of all I will never hear the end of it from my mother. I will constantly be reminded of what a failure I am and I don't know how I'll handle that. But it won't be the first time nor the last I dare say so I might as well save myself a little bit of sanity right? lol So now Im thinking I'll go back to my roots, the last language I really enjoyed and was good at: german. I really do like that language, I liked learning it, I liked speaking it. All of it...I loved it. Then I'd have to pair something with it so the best I can figure is international business. I want something international where I can work with lots of different people. My current majors would have allowed me to do that but if I drop them I need to have semi-decent replacements. So thats what Im thinking, german and international business. We'll see...first I just have to survive this quarter.
Friday, October 20, 2006
The Wedding
A good family friend just got married this evening. You might have read about her from some previous posts, Malisa, very sweet gal. The wedding was small, only about 13 of us. She had a sit down dinner and the food was positively fantastic. Started with the appetizers which were crab cakes or this other little cake with sausage, ham, cheese, and somethin else. Both were incredibly tasty and had their own little sause. Then the entree that I had was a vegetarian pasta dish with veggies in it. Also very tasty. :) Then we had champaigne with chocolate-dipped strawberries...oh if those weren't to die for... Then came the cake, and now comes the heart of the story:
My mom was the maid of honor so we went and picked up the cake. We were hoping it could just get delivered but there was some other big event they were attending to and mom agreed that we'd just pick it up. We made it home just fine. We got all of our stuff together and had to practically race out the door. The cake was absolutely beautiful. Small 3 tier white cake with these small pinkish flowers and green leafy stems. Just perfect really. We put it in the back of the jeep and were trying to gently go along. We pulled out on the highway and the cake was wobbling so we pulled over, I put it on a flatter spot and we headed out onto the freeway. I kept telling mom to go slow, don't make any sudden movements, just concentrate on the road. Well, she spent so much time looking over her shoulder at it that she wasn't watching the road as closely as she should have. As we were rounding the cut in the hill (all you Cincinnati folks will know right where this is) she suddenly stepped hard on the break and I watched as the cake went tumbling down. I screamed, "OH FUCK!!!" and proceeded to jump into the back seat and over to the very back of the jeep. Mom meanwhile started screaming as I told her that the cake just fell. Not 30 seconds before, she has asked me if I should maybe climb back there and sit with it. I said as long as she drove carefully it should be fine. Yeah, thats when it went tumbling. I told her that she should have been watching the road instead of the cake like I'd said. She said someone nearly cut her off which was why she had to somewhat slam on the breaks. Either way, the cake was ruined. In some vain attempt to salvage anything I peeled off the top layer and tried to keep the other 2 intact. It didn't really work. By time we got there it was a complete and utter disaster. Mom called Malisa and was bawling her eyes out saying her gorgeous cake was ruined, and we didn't even have pictures of it. The people at the reception place said they'd see if they could salvage it, I told them there was no hope other than to just cut it up and make the slices look pretty. They did just that so at least the presentation was nice, and the taste was divine. Malisa said she didn't really mind as long as it tasted good, Mom still hasn't fogiven herself. I told her it's past, just let it go, but she kept mentioning it throughout the night (which drove me insane) and even now at home shes so upset. I can totally understand, Im upset as well, but theres nothing we can do about it so we might as well let it go and move on.
Overall, the night was nice. Mom and I got our makeup done at the mall before we went so we both looked very nice. I wore a black and white dress that went just past my knees. It has a very low V-neck so it shows off "the grand canyon" and my mother so lovingly puts it. lol Add some sheer black tights, black heels, and fake diamonds (except my ring which is most definitly real) and I was good to go! I curled my hair some then pinned half of it on my head so the curls hung down. I felt very pretty. :) When we had first arrived, I was sitting in the back of the jeep, icing/cake all over my hands, arms, and clothes (luckily I wasn't in my dress yet) so I went into the kitchen to wash up. There was a guy back there who started talking to me and walked me out front, I couldn't tell if he thought I worked there or was delivering something, have no idea but he walked with me out front where I found another girl who directed me to the room Malisa was in. I helped set the rest of the stuff up then changed into my dress. The wedding was supposed to start at 6, but hardly anyone was there so we decided to wait until 6:30 for the sake of those stuck in traffic. More people did turn up so that was good. I walked around downstairs in the main area for a while in case I saw more people wandering around looking lost. The same guy I had seen in the kitchen was then working the bar and asked if I would like anything, I told him no, I was just looking for stragglers. He laughed and I went back upstairs where we had the wedding and dinner.
After dinner and most of the people had left, Malisa, mom, my sister Ariel, and I all started to clean up. Malisa's new husband, Tim, went out to a movie with some of his friends. He was drunk, of course, but we were there to help Malisa so it was like, oh well. Afterwards we decided the 4 of us were going to go to the bar for a drink. In the dress I was wearing, no one in their right mind would guess Im only 17. So we had cranberry juice and vanilla vodka. It tastes exactly like a cherry cheesecake...it was divine! The same guy was at the bar still tending it and right away took our drink orders. He didn't card me and mom later told me that she thought he was going to so asked him where the bathroom was and that took his mind off it...smart woman. :) So we all sat around with our drinks, talking and laughing. Somehow we got a magic 8 ball and were asking random questions. The guy came over and said we could only use it if we asked the questions out loud. I told him that we had been and he just wasn't listening. We joked about that for a while and made small talk. Later as I was playing with it he said he was like a mind reader or something and knew what the ball would say. So I joked back saying he had to come up with a question, say the answer, and I would ask the 8 ball if he was right. He asked about a drink he was going to have later that night and the ball said, don't count on it, so I told him he was confused and pretty bad with his predictions. He laughed and gave me a funny look to which I returned a bizarre one. We both laughed and he continued down the bar. Then Mom, Malisa, and Ariel were all just sitting there staring at me. One of them asked (maybe mom?), "Where you just flirting with the bartender?!" I laughed and said no, we were joking about the 8-ball. So I don't know, maybe we were, whatever. He looked about early to mid 20s, not too shabby. I did notice that he got off work, hung around the bar for a while, disappeared (I assumed he went home) and then as we were leaving and walking back to Malisa's car, I saw him walking towards his. I saw him start it up and we helped Malisa with her dress, the flowers, gave out farewell hugs, all that jazz and I assumed he would have been long gone. Then, as Malisa was starting her car up and we were walking away, I saw him drive by, looking at us and pull onto the highway. But I thought, hey why wouldn't he look? 4 attractive women all dolled up and no guy in sight, hell I'd be looking if I were a guy too! So that was the wedding, the cake was a major setback but the rest was fabulous. Malisa looked gorgeous, I had quite a few guys staring at me (my sister didn't do too shabby either) and my mom looked great in her purple flowy dress that had this small train. Great food, great company, great drinks, all was well!
My mom was the maid of honor so we went and picked up the cake. We were hoping it could just get delivered but there was some other big event they were attending to and mom agreed that we'd just pick it up. We made it home just fine. We got all of our stuff together and had to practically race out the door. The cake was absolutely beautiful. Small 3 tier white cake with these small pinkish flowers and green leafy stems. Just perfect really. We put it in the back of the jeep and were trying to gently go along. We pulled out on the highway and the cake was wobbling so we pulled over, I put it on a flatter spot and we headed out onto the freeway. I kept telling mom to go slow, don't make any sudden movements, just concentrate on the road. Well, she spent so much time looking over her shoulder at it that she wasn't watching the road as closely as she should have. As we were rounding the cut in the hill (all you Cincinnati folks will know right where this is) she suddenly stepped hard on the break and I watched as the cake went tumbling down. I screamed, "OH FUCK!!!" and proceeded to jump into the back seat and over to the very back of the jeep. Mom meanwhile started screaming as I told her that the cake just fell. Not 30 seconds before, she has asked me if I should maybe climb back there and sit with it. I said as long as she drove carefully it should be fine. Yeah, thats when it went tumbling. I told her that she should have been watching the road instead of the cake like I'd said. She said someone nearly cut her off which was why she had to somewhat slam on the breaks. Either way, the cake was ruined. In some vain attempt to salvage anything I peeled off the top layer and tried to keep the other 2 intact. It didn't really work. By time we got there it was a complete and utter disaster. Mom called Malisa and was bawling her eyes out saying her gorgeous cake was ruined, and we didn't even have pictures of it. The people at the reception place said they'd see if they could salvage it, I told them there was no hope other than to just cut it up and make the slices look pretty. They did just that so at least the presentation was nice, and the taste was divine. Malisa said she didn't really mind as long as it tasted good, Mom still hasn't fogiven herself. I told her it's past, just let it go, but she kept mentioning it throughout the night (which drove me insane) and even now at home shes so upset. I can totally understand, Im upset as well, but theres nothing we can do about it so we might as well let it go and move on.
Overall, the night was nice. Mom and I got our makeup done at the mall before we went so we both looked very nice. I wore a black and white dress that went just past my knees. It has a very low V-neck so it shows off "the grand canyon" and my mother so lovingly puts it. lol Add some sheer black tights, black heels, and fake diamonds (except my ring which is most definitly real) and I was good to go! I curled my hair some then pinned half of it on my head so the curls hung down. I felt very pretty. :) When we had first arrived, I was sitting in the back of the jeep, icing/cake all over my hands, arms, and clothes (luckily I wasn't in my dress yet) so I went into the kitchen to wash up. There was a guy back there who started talking to me and walked me out front, I couldn't tell if he thought I worked there or was delivering something, have no idea but he walked with me out front where I found another girl who directed me to the room Malisa was in. I helped set the rest of the stuff up then changed into my dress. The wedding was supposed to start at 6, but hardly anyone was there so we decided to wait until 6:30 for the sake of those stuck in traffic. More people did turn up so that was good. I walked around downstairs in the main area for a while in case I saw more people wandering around looking lost. The same guy I had seen in the kitchen was then working the bar and asked if I would like anything, I told him no, I was just looking for stragglers. He laughed and I went back upstairs where we had the wedding and dinner.
After dinner and most of the people had left, Malisa, mom, my sister Ariel, and I all started to clean up. Malisa's new husband, Tim, went out to a movie with some of his friends. He was drunk, of course, but we were there to help Malisa so it was like, oh well. Afterwards we decided the 4 of us were going to go to the bar for a drink. In the dress I was wearing, no one in their right mind would guess Im only 17. So we had cranberry juice and vanilla vodka. It tastes exactly like a cherry cheesecake...it was divine! The same guy was at the bar still tending it and right away took our drink orders. He didn't card me and mom later told me that she thought he was going to so asked him where the bathroom was and that took his mind off it...smart woman. :) So we all sat around with our drinks, talking and laughing. Somehow we got a magic 8 ball and were asking random questions. The guy came over and said we could only use it if we asked the questions out loud. I told him that we had been and he just wasn't listening. We joked about that for a while and made small talk. Later as I was playing with it he said he was like a mind reader or something and knew what the ball would say. So I joked back saying he had to come up with a question, say the answer, and I would ask the 8 ball if he was right. He asked about a drink he was going to have later that night and the ball said, don't count on it, so I told him he was confused and pretty bad with his predictions. He laughed and gave me a funny look to which I returned a bizarre one. We both laughed and he continued down the bar. Then Mom, Malisa, and Ariel were all just sitting there staring at me. One of them asked (maybe mom?), "Where you just flirting with the bartender?!" I laughed and said no, we were joking about the 8-ball. So I don't know, maybe we were, whatever. He looked about early to mid 20s, not too shabby. I did notice that he got off work, hung around the bar for a while, disappeared (I assumed he went home) and then as we were leaving and walking back to Malisa's car, I saw him walking towards his. I saw him start it up and we helped Malisa with her dress, the flowers, gave out farewell hugs, all that jazz and I assumed he would have been long gone. Then, as Malisa was starting her car up and we were walking away, I saw him drive by, looking at us and pull onto the highway. But I thought, hey why wouldn't he look? 4 attractive women all dolled up and no guy in sight, hell I'd be looking if I were a guy too! So that was the wedding, the cake was a major setback but the rest was fabulous. Malisa looked gorgeous, I had quite a few guys staring at me (my sister didn't do too shabby either) and my mom looked great in her purple flowy dress that had this small train. Great food, great company, great drinks, all was well!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Pigeons and Goats
So once again I fell asleep in international studies class... I have yet to stay fully awake during one of them. I had my ipod on for a little while...fell asleep, then woke up and turned it off. According to the guy next to me the teacher had gotten irritated and said he was going to take a random attendence since so many people were falling asleep. It happens every week, Im surprised hes just now catching on...lol So I woke up, had nearly an hour left of class and needed to do something. So I decided to write my weekly arabic story. I have a lot of fun doing those because they can say anything and don't have to make much sense. So this week I wrote about a pigeon. I never sit down with any idea, I open my book, look at the first random word that looks interesting, a build a story from there, just totally random vocab words put into some semblance of a story. Anyways! This one was about a pigeon that I stole and tied in brown string. I brought it back with me and taught it to paint wood. It became very good and I opened a gallery, showcasing it's work. Many people came to admire the work and I was pleased with the pigeon. However, I soon after abandoned the pigeon to persue a blonde goat that could fix tambourines and play the flute. That was my story, no real rhyme or reason to it, just there for entertainment. Shows just how bored I was...lol
So, I have been doing some thinking...yes I do that occasionally...scary I know. :P A few things were said to me regarding my character or personality so I thought about those things for a bit. I was told that I am rigid and everything is either yes or no with me. Typically, this is true. I do have a few things where there are grey areas, but those are few and far between. I like being black/white. I typically think I am an easy person to read, you'll know when I'm happy or when I'm angry. While some see this as an extreme, I see it as an advantage. You will never have to question where I stand on something because it will always be right there. Yes or No, good or bad. Trying is good, but some things are better left to rest. I don't think I have ever been one to make a drastic decision either. It is obvious when I am unhappy and I would only turn drastic if there was no other way to get through to someone. Usually I try to be nice and patient, but as anyone can tell you, I am not a very patient person for long. I admit, I am not one for having serious sit down conversations about things that bother me. I try to let the person know but I hate having to spell anything out. Maybe thats my lack of patience coming into play again. I do try to bend and be flexible with other people, but I do have my limits.
I am very independent, that will never change. I do not need anyone and I pride myself on that. I was raised by a single mother so it has been ingrained in my very soul that need to be self-sufficient and independent. So, with that attitude, I hate to feel needed. I want to feel wanted, but not needed. There is a difference. I've been told by some that I am a bit of an odd girl because I am not overly affectionate, at least not usually. When I am at home, I am much more relaxed, much happier to cuddle on the couch with my significant other and be ms. lovey dovey. However, when I am in public, I am a very different person. The most anyone would ordinarily see from me would be the occasional hug or maybe holding hands. I don't typically like to be touched, or kissed, or really even giving me sappy looks. I know, thats strange coming from a girl but thats just one of my odd little quirks. I've never liked those things and seriously doubt I ever would. I don't need to be told I am appreciated, or how wonderful I am, or how much I am loved. I don't need that. I am just as happy with a "hey, whats up? just thinking about you" message as I am with 10 sappy ones. It lets me know that my guy is thinking about me, but nothing more. If I don't hear from him, I assume he is busy. I may drop him a note or I may just let it go till he has time. I don't get worried if I don't hear from the person, I just talk to them when we're not running around with a billion things to do. I understand cramped schedules...I have one too. lol So yes, I do have my faults the same as anyone else. I am sometimes aggressive, I am not very patient, I am very easily irritated, I have a tendency to lash out when I am irritated so I try to bottle everything inside, often making me seem indifferent or moody. I am sometimes distant, shutting those out that are really just trying to help. I guess I could even say that at times I am overconfident. I plow forward without thinking about what or who is in my path. I have an agenda and nothing stands in my way. If it does, I get rid of it. So I know I have hurt some people by doing that. I try not to because it is usually the people I care about most. I am getting better but still not perfect. So theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yes I have my faults, I admit to that, but those are what make me who I am. For some, I am too much, for others, I'm not enough. So, I'm sorry to those who may have been hurt by me at some point, but this is just who I am and how I operate. I work on my faults but embrace those things which I consider to be strong and make me who I am. So now, all can understand just where I stand. No more questions, it's pretty cut and dry...or black and white as I prefer.
So, I have been doing some thinking...yes I do that occasionally...scary I know. :P A few things were said to me regarding my character or personality so I thought about those things for a bit. I was told that I am rigid and everything is either yes or no with me. Typically, this is true. I do have a few things where there are grey areas, but those are few and far between. I like being black/white. I typically think I am an easy person to read, you'll know when I'm happy or when I'm angry. While some see this as an extreme, I see it as an advantage. You will never have to question where I stand on something because it will always be right there. Yes or No, good or bad. Trying is good, but some things are better left to rest. I don't think I have ever been one to make a drastic decision either. It is obvious when I am unhappy and I would only turn drastic if there was no other way to get through to someone. Usually I try to be nice and patient, but as anyone can tell you, I am not a very patient person for long. I admit, I am not one for having serious sit down conversations about things that bother me. I try to let the person know but I hate having to spell anything out. Maybe thats my lack of patience coming into play again. I do try to bend and be flexible with other people, but I do have my limits.
I am very independent, that will never change. I do not need anyone and I pride myself on that. I was raised by a single mother so it has been ingrained in my very soul that need to be self-sufficient and independent. So, with that attitude, I hate to feel needed. I want to feel wanted, but not needed. There is a difference. I've been told by some that I am a bit of an odd girl because I am not overly affectionate, at least not usually. When I am at home, I am much more relaxed, much happier to cuddle on the couch with my significant other and be ms. lovey dovey. However, when I am in public, I am a very different person. The most anyone would ordinarily see from me would be the occasional hug or maybe holding hands. I don't typically like to be touched, or kissed, or really even giving me sappy looks. I know, thats strange coming from a girl but thats just one of my odd little quirks. I've never liked those things and seriously doubt I ever would. I don't need to be told I am appreciated, or how wonderful I am, or how much I am loved. I don't need that. I am just as happy with a "hey, whats up? just thinking about you" message as I am with 10 sappy ones. It lets me know that my guy is thinking about me, but nothing more. If I don't hear from him, I assume he is busy. I may drop him a note or I may just let it go till he has time. I don't get worried if I don't hear from the person, I just talk to them when we're not running around with a billion things to do. I understand cramped schedules...I have one too. lol So yes, I do have my faults the same as anyone else. I am sometimes aggressive, I am not very patient, I am very easily irritated, I have a tendency to lash out when I am irritated so I try to bottle everything inside, often making me seem indifferent or moody. I am sometimes distant, shutting those out that are really just trying to help. I guess I could even say that at times I am overconfident. I plow forward without thinking about what or who is in my path. I have an agenda and nothing stands in my way. If it does, I get rid of it. So I know I have hurt some people by doing that. I try not to because it is usually the people I care about most. I am getting better but still not perfect. So theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yes I have my faults, I admit to that, but those are what make me who I am. For some, I am too much, for others, I'm not enough. So, I'm sorry to those who may have been hurt by me at some point, but this is just who I am and how I operate. I work on my faults but embrace those things which I consider to be strong and make me who I am. So now, all can understand just where I stand. No more questions, it's pretty cut and dry...or black and white as I prefer.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
No Return
When is that point of no return?
When does one let go
Never to renew again?
A clap of thunder,
A flash of light,
A fist that comes flying through the night.
A somber gaze out through the window
Tells of things unseen.
Voices whisper oh so softly,
Who are you to have these dreams?
Why sit and sorrow and self despair
Rather than get up to show you care.
Resist the inner feelings to shout
Resist those inner feelings to just lash out.
When these things come,
Walk away.
Never to return to this very day.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
The Uneventful Events
Well today has been non-stop mundane action. I was awakened this morning by Ziggy's howling. He is just beside himself because Daisy, Rosie, and Pia are all in season together. It doesn't help that Ziggy, Rosie, and Daisy all sleep out in the sun room together. He just goes on and on because he can smell them and still can't have them. So I woke up to that and hes been doing it all day long. We just have to alternate between him and the girls as to who can come out and play.
So after having gotten up, Mom and I went to visit my grandmother and take her clean laundry over. She recognized me but couldn't remember my name. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. oh well... Then we went to Rookwood so we could pick up some things from Wild Oats. (that place is amazing if you've never been there, its a food place) Then we couldn't get everything we needed there so right before we went home we stopped at Kroger and bought the last few grocery items. I said I'd wait in the car while mom shopped, it shouldn't take long. As I was sitting there listening to music I started to faid in and out of sleep. Suddenly I went into one of my beloved absence seisures while thinking oh shit, I didn't take my meds this morning. Bloody perfect... Then I guess I fell asleep again or was just totally out of it. When I came to, there was a different song on the radio, and I was sitting there thinking it had been a long time for mom to be gone. Of course when I have one of these, my sense of time gets totally screwed. Then as I was sitting there thinking what the heck, how long have I been out of it... my mom opens the door. I felt another one coming and at first tried to fight it. Then I realized there was no point, when I got to that stage, it would only make it worse for me to delay it. So instead I relaxed and let myself go. I could feel my head fall over to the side and hear my mom's voice droning in the background, but I didn't have much else. I tend to forget where I am during these, its like part of my brain was saying, you're right near your house, not 2 minutes away. Yet I couldn't have told you exactly where I was had I been asked. This one was relatively short, less than a minute. When I came back fully it felt like I had been gone for a long time. My mom looked at me and asked what happened, I said seisure and she just shook her head. Interestingly enough, I had the same thing last night. What was strange about it though was that I wasn't sure if I had actually had one or if I was dreaming. I had started to fall asleep and thats when it started. So when I "woke up" I didn't know if it had actually happened or not. It wasn't until I felt my heart pounding in my chest and this piercing ringing in my head that I knew I'd actually had one. Didn't occur to me today until I had that one in the parking lot. Thing that really sucks with these, is that I get a horrible headache afterwards. It's not the usual one where you take a tylenol and you're fine. No, this feels like someone just bashed my head a few times with a board, and no amount of tylenol helps that. I've tried, doesn't help. I took a nap to relieve some of the pressure but of course Ive had it the entire day. Thats what I get for forgetting my pill! Stupid me...oh well, won't be doing that again!
My mom's birthday was on the 4th so today me, my sister, our friend Malisa, and mom had dinner together. We joked about a lot of things, mainly men since Malisa is now engaged. It was a lot of fun, even with my splitting headache and the paper which I have yet to finish calling my name. lol My highlight of the day however, was discovering that I have more fish babies! I was standing by my tank and noticed 3 new babies caught between the glass and the small box I have in there for the first group. I already have 10 babies which I think are Swordtails. They're kept in this mesh box so that they get the same water and filtration as the rest of the tank but the other fish can't get in and they can't get out. Prevents anyone from getting eaten. :) So I got my net and caught the 3, putting them in with the other babies. Thats when I really started looking all over the tank for the others. I caught 11, I know there are 2 more which are being buggers and I can't seem to catch just yet. I've only found 2 bodies so far, but who knows how many have died whose bodies I didn't find. So Im going to have a lot of fish when these guys are all grown. I'm going to have to find homes for most of them, a 10 gallon can only support so many. I have one request in, Im sure I can find others that would be interested in a few. For now though they are too small to go anywhere else.
So after having gotten up, Mom and I went to visit my grandmother and take her clean laundry over. She recognized me but couldn't remember my name. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. oh well... Then we went to Rookwood so we could pick up some things from Wild Oats. (that place is amazing if you've never been there, its a food place) Then we couldn't get everything we needed there so right before we went home we stopped at Kroger and bought the last few grocery items. I said I'd wait in the car while mom shopped, it shouldn't take long. As I was sitting there listening to music I started to faid in and out of sleep. Suddenly I went into one of my beloved absence seisures while thinking oh shit, I didn't take my meds this morning. Bloody perfect... Then I guess I fell asleep again or was just totally out of it. When I came to, there was a different song on the radio, and I was sitting there thinking it had been a long time for mom to be gone. Of course when I have one of these, my sense of time gets totally screwed. Then as I was sitting there thinking what the heck, how long have I been out of it... my mom opens the door. I felt another one coming and at first tried to fight it. Then I realized there was no point, when I got to that stage, it would only make it worse for me to delay it. So instead I relaxed and let myself go. I could feel my head fall over to the side and hear my mom's voice droning in the background, but I didn't have much else. I tend to forget where I am during these, its like part of my brain was saying, you're right near your house, not 2 minutes away. Yet I couldn't have told you exactly where I was had I been asked. This one was relatively short, less than a minute. When I came back fully it felt like I had been gone for a long time. My mom looked at me and asked what happened, I said seisure and she just shook her head. Interestingly enough, I had the same thing last night. What was strange about it though was that I wasn't sure if I had actually had one or if I was dreaming. I had started to fall asleep and thats when it started. So when I "woke up" I didn't know if it had actually happened or not. It wasn't until I felt my heart pounding in my chest and this piercing ringing in my head that I knew I'd actually had one. Didn't occur to me today until I had that one in the parking lot. Thing that really sucks with these, is that I get a horrible headache afterwards. It's not the usual one where you take a tylenol and you're fine. No, this feels like someone just bashed my head a few times with a board, and no amount of tylenol helps that. I've tried, doesn't help. I took a nap to relieve some of the pressure but of course Ive had it the entire day. Thats what I get for forgetting my pill! Stupid me...oh well, won't be doing that again!
My mom's birthday was on the 4th so today me, my sister, our friend Malisa, and mom had dinner together. We joked about a lot of things, mainly men since Malisa is now engaged. It was a lot of fun, even with my splitting headache and the paper which I have yet to finish calling my name. lol My highlight of the day however, was discovering that I have more fish babies! I was standing by my tank and noticed 3 new babies caught between the glass and the small box I have in there for the first group. I already have 10 babies which I think are Swordtails. They're kept in this mesh box so that they get the same water and filtration as the rest of the tank but the other fish can't get in and they can't get out. Prevents anyone from getting eaten. :) So I got my net and caught the 3, putting them in with the other babies. Thats when I really started looking all over the tank for the others. I caught 11, I know there are 2 more which are being buggers and I can't seem to catch just yet. I've only found 2 bodies so far, but who knows how many have died whose bodies I didn't find. So Im going to have a lot of fish when these guys are all grown. I'm going to have to find homes for most of them, a 10 gallon can only support so many. I have one request in, Im sure I can find others that would be interested in a few. For now though they are too small to go anywhere else.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Longing
How do I tell you
What I felt the first time we spoke.
Hearing your voice for the first time
Made me realize there was something more.
I could feel it like the rays of the sun
Warm and comforting.
What I felt the first time we met.
How our eyes locked and I knew
There was no turning back.
How I could take all of you in
And see that confidence radiating forth.
The confidence which I so much desire.
How do I tell you
What I felt the first time we touched.
Feeling your hand gently squeeze mine.
Feeling your arm around me.
Or feeling your hand brush through my hair.
How can I possibly explain these feelings to you?
How can I possibly explain what I feel just thinking about you.
How I long to hear from you
Long to touch you
Long to comfort you and hold you tight
Long to say that you are mine.
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