Upset

Well the day went from being pretty decent to downright sucky. I got my stats quiz back, got a ten so I was very happy about that. My boy had a meeting so I just had to see him after classes were over and before I went to catch my bus. So we met in the library like we usually do and sat and talked. He had to wait around for some later meeting so that was why he actually had time to sit and chat. lol

He started telling me about how worried he is regarding money for next semeseter. He doesn't have any loans, no job and school is expensive. So, he's stressed. I remember at one point he had said the easiest way to obtain citizenship was being married to a citizen. I laughed and told him I couldn't understand how people could do that. I knew what he was insinuating but didn't want to go there. So then today, we're talking, he's stressed and we started walking towards the bus stop. I tried to reassure him that he was intelligent and would figure something out. He kept saying he didn't know how. So we got to the bus stop and he pulled me away from the group and looked at me. I thought, oh God, what's going through his mind? He said that he really did care about me...marriage. bingo, that's what he was thinking about. So he cares, he does love me and wants to be there to support me and have a good job, yadda yadda. I heard most of it but was like oh God, don't say it, don't say it. Then he sort of stopped and lowered his voice and said we could hit a drivethrough. First off, I've never heard of a drive through wedding so I decided to play dumb even though I knew what he meant.

I just said, drive through? What, like for food? I laughed and he just smiled and said no. I continued to play stupid. That's when he said no, a wedding, marriage. I sort of laughed (sort of) and said that wasn't a wedding. I said when I get married I want a real wedding and of course, weddings take money so that would just have to wait. He said that he didn't know what else to do. I said, again, that he was intelligent and to pray, God would help him. I know that wasn't the response he was looking for but I don't know how he would expect me to just say ok, lets get married, how's Saturday? So as the bus was pulling up, I gave him a kiss and told him not to worry too much, just keep working and he'd figure something out. As I started to walk away he grabbed my hand and asked me to at least think about it. I said ok, he asked if I really would think about it and said again, please think about it. I said ok and got on the bus.

As I was on the bus I did think about it. I thought about what a mess I manage to often get myself in. Here I still love one guy, get totally shot down, then have another I genuinely like only to have him, the very next day, essentially propose. I was like oh God. So I got home and somehow brought up the topic of the two of us. Nothing even remotely close to marriage, just general talking. My mom like flipped out on me. She went on about how I don't need to be in a relationship with anyone, we should just be friends. I told her I liked him, what was the problem. She said I wasn't caring about my son. I asked what he had to do with it and she yelled back that he has everything to do with it. I said he was well aware of Caleb's existence and that he was my top priority. She said it didn't sound like it and turned away.

I then asked what that was supposed to mean. She said it just sounded like I was bouncing from relationship to relationship. I had one with my older ex, we split, over a year later I dated my last ex (Caleb's father) it's been over a year since we split and now I'm interested in someone else. She makes it sound like every other month I have someone new. Then she brought up the fact that he's foreign and I think this is probably what gets me most of all.

He is from Kenya so obviously, he's very black. Obviously, I am white and obviously Caleb is white. I never thought my mom was racist in any way, really didn't...until today. She kept bringing up the fact that he's foreign, it would be glaringly obvious that Caleb isn't his, on and on. I said he already knew I had a child from the very beginning so if that were going to be a problem, he wouldn't have continued talking to me. He also knows Caleb is my everything and he doesn't take that lightly. So she mentioned that if we did stay together, what about future kids. It would be obvious that Caleb had a different father. I asked what that mattered, Caleb would be treated the same as any other kids. She said oh right, ask Caleb that when he's older. I so much wanted to shoot back that she was sounding like a racist bitch and what, ask him to hold off for another ten years so I can then ask Caleb, by the way, he loves you as if you were his own son and he loves me so is it ok if we actually get married? At this time, I can't really say I love him but he is the type that I can love. Then she asked what happens when he decides to go home. I reminded her that I already asked him about that and he had said if he finds someone here he would stay, after all there are a lot more opportunities for him here than back home. So then she brought up the fact that maybe he stays (assuming he doesn't give in to family pressure to return home which I highly doubt that he would) but then the family decides to move here. Oh great, she said, then you'd have a whole bunch of people from his family deciding to move in and then what? I was speechless. Her whole scenario was so rediculous I couldn't even think of what to say. Even if his family were to come to the States, that does not mean they just move in with us. Where on earth she pulled that out of I have no idea. Her ass maybe?

Overall I was really upset. She mentioned the fact that I have slept with my last two exes and so now I have a pattern, it was sounding sleezy. Yeah first it was (my first ex) and you got all fat and stupid with him, then it was the other idiot (my recent ex) and you screwed him. So now what? You gonna screw him too? I was like omfg. I actually started to cry, no she couldn't see me, but I did. She called me sleezy, fat and stupid and makes it sound like I'm some crap mom that doesn't give a rat's ass about her kid. Then she insults my guy on the fact that hes black, foreign and 26. Not like he can do much about it...but apparently it's enough to hold against him. I'm really just flabbergasted at her and how she could say those things to me. Apparently I can only marry a guy that would give me white kids with blue eyes and brown/blonde hair. Sounds like I should just go back to my ex, then all kids would look the same and have the same father, right? I'm upset with everything. ugh.

Duh

I should really just wear a big sign on my forehead reading "dumbass." I swear, why I let my mind and heart run rampant is beyond me. I write all this crap about the ex I still love and why? Why bother hanging on to the past; it never does anyone any good. I was hanging on to it and just got my ass kicked. Totally and completely kicked.

I asked him why he wanted to see me, really, why. He just sort of started rambling about how complicated everything was. Right away I was like, God Leah, you really are an idiot. Here I was thinking I could still have a future with him and why? God only knows what was going through my head. He said he's fresh out of the divorce (duh) and he will be traveling a lot for the next two years. Of course I didn't tell him that I would move for him, it obviously doesn't matter. He said he didn't want to give me false hopes but really it was me giving myself false hope. Hence the dumbass sign. And he's "not in a mindset to get into another anytime soon." (relationship wise) He also can't commit. Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass. God.

So there, get myself crushed and he tells me not to be pissy. I told him he never gets the full story for me, usually because I'm very vulnerable and why bother showing that when I'll just get shot down? I told him about my current dude and said there, has your decision changed all the sudden? He said no and so I said that's why I don't tell him everything. It doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything. Then he says it looks like I don't want to talk to him so he quits talking to me. It's like, what does he want me to say? I'm crushed, hurt, missing him and acting like a dumbass? What's the point of that?? I tried to tell him he never gets the full picture with me and he seemed offended by that but that's the truth. I won't open myself completely to be rejected. I'm incredibly hurt and he doesn't even know the half of it. Then he gets irritated with me. I don't know what to tell him. Nothing I say will make a difference so why waste my breath? Argh. I'm just such a bloody dumbass I can't believe I let my mind wander so aimlessly.

Fun Fun

Well today was a rather fun day, surprisingly enough. I actually did well on my stats quiz; that I'm positive on. I managed to stay awake through poli sci, also an accomplishment, and then got to see my boy at the end of the day. He was staying for a meeting later in the day so it sucked for him in that he had to wait around forever, good for me (and him) on the other hand because I got to see him for a while before I had to catch the bus.

We figured since we had some time, we should have some fun, right? I had a place in mind but of course some performance had to be going on so the place was packed. We wandered around for a little while looking for a place and couldn't seem to find anything. Then I started talking to a girl from high school and he wandered off on his own. He came back a while later and said he had an idea. I left my girl and followed him. He had it wrong initially, it wasn't an actual room, so he pulled me into this separate part of the building which seemed secluded enough and told me to go in. I told him we really didn't have time anymore because I had to catch my bus. He said oh well and pulled me in to him. He had a very nice hard on and he started kissing me. I felt him starting to undo his jeans and I thought he was in for a nice bj. Well, I was wrong. It was like he was first undoing his and kissing me, then the next thing I knew he was undoing my belt and my pants were off. I was like holy fuck that was fast. I can't get my own pants off that fast. lol

I told him I didn't want to do that, too easy to get caught and I wasn't comfortable. He kept saying no, he was so horny, he had to feel his cock inside me. As all this was going on he was trying to pull my pants down further while I was trying to hold them up. He shoved his fingers in me and felt how wet I was, sort of moaned and grabbed his cock. He tried to shove it in my pussy but the angle was all wrong, especially seeing as my pants weren't completely off so it was even harder. I thought he'd give it up but no, he lifted my leg, tried to pull my pants further down (as I tried to pull them up...again) and started rubbing his cock around my pussy. God I was horny. I tilted my pelvis forward some and felt him start to enter me.

Now, a while back I had commented on him saying he was well endowed. He certainly wasn't lying. lol It was hard to see his actual length seeing as he was trying to shove it in my pussy. His girth though...holy crap. I couldn't take him, the angle was bad so I was tight anyways and damn hes big. I was like, ow, and had to pull back. He just kept saying baby no and trying to pull me back to his cock. He said he was so close, he just wanted to fuck me. I saw his body tense and then shudder and all the sudden he pulled back and grabbed his cock. At first I was like what the heck, then realized he had actually cum. This was all in the time span of like two minutes? Maybe a little more? So of course that made me horny as fuck, I had to go catch my bus, and I desperately wanted to be fucked but wasn't comfortable actually getting fucked in a public building at school. lol The chances of being caught were slim but still...bj is easy enough to conceal, being completely pantsless with a cock inside me and having an orgasm (I know it wouldn't take me long at all by that point) would be a lot more difficult to bluff my way out of.

So after that we left, I went to catch the bus and had missed it. I then was tempted to go back and say damnit we need to go have some more fun. I was afraid I'd miss it though; the next came in a half hour and by time I went back and got him, went back to the building, had any proper fun and then tried to get back to the bus stop, I'd probably miss that bus too. So I sat and froze my ass off. I called him and told him he'd made me miss my bus and would have to make it up to me. He agreed no problem. ;) So anyways, he is well endowed, I'm horny and would love to be fucking him right now. *sigh*

Confusion

My mind is so confused as of late I hardly know what to think. Even just a week ago I was happy enough with life and now everything has gone topsy-turvy. I have my current boy; he's really great, adores me and has a lot of potential. I look at him and I see a bright future. He has the drive and intelligence needed to succeed and he seems, in general, to be very stable. So I look at him and say yeah, I think we could work. He always asks me about Caleb; I don't think there would be a problem when it would be glaringly obvious that he isn't the father. He is also supportive of numbnuts being involved in Caleb's life seeing as he is the father. So here I have this great guy and my head is still spinning.


Now I've got my ex back in my life. (Not numbnuts although he is now back as well...more on that later.) I know he still loves me and despite how hard I may try to fight it, I still love him. I love him as much as I ever have. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel but what do we do from here? He doesn't know I'm involved with anyone else and truth is, I'd leave my current guy for him. That hardly seems fair considering the current one is smitten with me but my heart is elsewhere. I remeber falling asleep next to him and waking up to have our morning coffee. I would love to feel his arms around me now, more than anyone. This makes me think that I have met the man I am supposed to spend my life with when it has been years since we dated and months since we've even talked and yet I still love him as much (or maybe more) as I did when we were dating.

He's now in Malaysia and it's looking like his company is going to want to keep him there for 6-8 months. I wouldn't be surprised though if at the end they tell him they want him to stay there on a permanent basis, or at least for a few more years. I just sit there and think well fuck. I don't know if he'd come back to see me; I don't know if he'd still want to see me in December; I don't know if we did make it work if he would come back to the States or if I would suddenly be moving to Malaysia. *groan* I don't know; it's killing me. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about him and now I seem to think about him even more. That definitely isn't a good sign for me and current dude. lol I guess at this point I just have to play it by ear but who knows. Maybe we aren't meant to be together and so all of these things that seem to keep coming up is just showing that. Yet the fact that I was willing to move to Houston for him and would now consider moving to Malaysia for him I think says something. It's not like Malaysia has been on the top of my list of places to visit, let alone live. If that's where he is though, that's where I'd go.

I don't know what to do. I wish he would give me some more direction rather than leaving me to my own devises which he probably views as something good, you know, giving me my space. Truth is, right now I'd like him to just tell me point blank what he wants. That would help me make my own decisions seeing as they could be life changing. (Depending on what he tells me.) So, now I wait. It's hard with a twelve hour time difference to get much time to talk. I don't know if maybe I should just ask him what he wants from me? Does he want me as his wife, fuck buddy or just friend? Those are three very different positions and my life changes would depend on the answer. (Or maybe my lack of life changes would depend on the answer.) I wish I could talk to him normally, not having to worry about time difference crap; phone would be nice as well but I'll take the computer if he can manage to get on and talk. :)

Yet Again...

So, a couple months ago I spilled my sob story here about my old love and then ex-friend. Since then, I've gotten a few generic forward emails, nothing personal. Then today, I, along with everyone else in his address book, got an email saying he was leaving for Malasia and Singapore and here was his new phone number. I debated writing him but wondered if I really wanted to open that door again. I asked my mom (shes essentially my shrink lol) and she said it was up to me. Not very helpful. So I sent just a quick note saying good luck and to be careful. Two sentences, that was it. He responded saying he'd like to talk to me and asked for my number. I, somewhat jokingly asked if he'd already deleted me and then gave it to him. He just said not to get pissy and he'd call me in a bit.


Sure enough, he called. He sounded happy enough on the phone, I doubt I sounded all that perky. Truth is, I wasn't sure what to think. I remember quite well how nasty he had been with me and how hurt I was but I also remember what we used to be. So I sat there in the middle, talked as if I was simply talking with an acquaintance, certainly not an old friend. He sort of mentioned that things were rough for him, especially since we'd last talked a few months back. He left it open for me to ask about what hapened but I didn't. I just said oh, that sucks and moved on.

So now we are talking more. I've let him know some of what I feel and he seemed genuinely surprised at the emotions I never previously showed him. It really isn't my nature to show all my emotions or cry in front of people. I mentioned that to him and he said I could cry with him but I feel like a nitwit. I can cry in front of my mom and sister but they are really the only ones that see it. So really long story short, I'd say we're friends again. Dynamics are a bit different but still friends.

So now comes the puzzling question of what to do. He wants to come see me in December before my surgery. I don't know how he'd get time off work and be able to get a flight down. Anyways, I've told him no as of this point because I don't know how I'd handle it. He said we could meet as friends but I told him it wouldn't be just that and he knew it just as well as I did. He still doesn't really understand, he accepts it, but doesn't understand. I don't have to see him now to know I still love him as much as I always did. So if I see him again and then that's the end of it, it'll be hard for me all over again.

Now my dilemma begins all over again. I am seeing a great guy who has a lot of potential but I still love another great guy who is living all the potential he's always had. I haven't told him about my current dude, right now I don't see the point and it might only hurt him. I do need to figure something out though preferably sooner rather than later. Newbie is smitten with me and has even said he loves me. I don't think he's known me long enough to really love me but I don't know; only an individual can really know when they are in love and I would hope at 26 he would know the difference. I can't say I love him though because I don't. I have only said that to one person and I said it because I meant it.

He mentioned coming to see me in December before my surgery and as I was talking to my mom, I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. I had always told her (and him) that I needed to see him around Caleb to be fully reassured that he could handle him. I mentioned that to my mom; she said that would mean I have to actually let him come and see how he reacts. So now I don't know what to do with the two men. I can't have both, theres only one I really want but I'm not sure I can have, but am reasonably sure I could be happy with the other. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. So I don't know. I think maybe I should let him come in December, see how it goes. Although I'll then feel like I'm somehow cheating on my current dude. He seems to think he's falling in love with me, he's the type I could fall in love with but my love is still taken by somebody else. Now I wonder what I'll do if I see him in December and (as I'm thinking is highly possible) we decide to work something out. How do I tell current boy? It's like yeah, I really like you, you're very sweet and have great potential, but.... I've told him I've been in love once but never given him the whole story, it's not one he really needs to know. So now if I'm anticipating someone else, it's like I'm cheating on him. Fuck. So now I just play it by ear. *sigh*

New Boy

So I was waiting at the bus stop after school like I always do. It was hot; I was in jeans and a tank top. I walked into the little shelter thing that most bus stops have and sat down next to a black guy. He was dressed nicely, dark slacks and a button down shirt. Considering I was in a tanktop and burning up, I didn't know how he was managing. He sort of smiled and I asked how he wasn't burning up. He said he was very hot so I asked him why he was all dressed up. He said he'd had an interview or something to that affect.

So that's how we started talking. Something really just clicked between us; it's rather hard to describe. He liked my sunglasses (they're pink, go figure) so he tried them on and took a pic. I said very few men would admit to wearing pink sunglasses until I saw that his phone was a pink color and just started laughing. So we talked for the next half hour while waiting for the bus then sat together for the ride to downtown. We exchanged numbers and have been talking every day since.

He's from Kenya, been here just over a month. He's tall, dark and handsome. ;) I swear, I have a thing for foreign guys. I've dated two Koreans, an Indian and now an African. Oh yeah, dated two Americans. lol He's very intelligent, I enjoy learning about his culture and while not too much surprises him about America (heck, everyone around the world knows about us) he still enjoys asking me about things here that he doesn't have back home. He's one of the very few that I can talk to on the phone multiple times a day and not get irritated or bored.

He knows about Caleb and the situation with my ex. I am always upfront about that; the last thing I need is to really like someone and then they find out I have a kid and go running for the hills. It didn't phase him one bit and he too is amazed at the stupidity of my ex. Of course, everyone I've told about the situation has been shocked by how stupid and what an ass he really is. How I slept with him I still haven't figured out, and there are plenty of people who have questioned that...

So while we aren't *technically* an official item, we're pretty much together. My Indian ex, I don't think we really became "official" in the essence that one asked the other, it just started and continued. I got the same feeling with new guy as I did him. It's hard to explain but it's just one of those things that when you find it, it just feels right. I think about my ex a lot (not numbnuts, my most recent ex) and how I felt with him. While my guy really just brightens my day, I still think of the ex. I guess he's still going through the process of his divorce. There are times I want to call him or send him a message, just let him know I still think about him and hope he's doing well. Then I remember what he said to me and how crystal clear he made his feelings known and then I push the thought from my mind. That door was closed, why try to open it again? I see many similarities between the two men; they're only a couple years apart, and the way they both treated me, like I was their princess feels amazing.

So, I can see us lasting for quite a while. He knows my past and that I've screwed up in more than one area. While neither of us has seen the other's bad side, he knows where mine lies. Whenever he's asked about my ex I can hear in my own voice the almost hatred, the frustration and even the hurt. I can hear it, I know he can too. I've told him that this topic, especially when I'm in the thick of it and having to appear in court with him trying to take my boy away from me, is going to be a very frustrating. I told him that is when my bad side will show so I apologize in advance. He just said he understood and would probably feel the same way if he were in my position. He said he would be there to support me and just listen while I gripe. Sometimes that's all you need. I know it's going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for me. One minute I'm going to want to kill him, the next I'll be ready to break down in tears. I know that's what I'll do. Still, he knows all this and takes me as I am. While I always felt my Indian ex took me as I am, he couldn't handle my son. In a way I could understand, it would be hard for many men. Then...then he insulted my being American. Bad move. That made me question if he had always accepted me as is. It's glaringly obvious that I'm American. (Even if people do ask if I'm Chinese...) Why he would ever bring that distinction up I still don't understand.

New boy actually asked me if I, or my mom, would have an issue with my seeing a black guy. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I just said no, why would it be a problem? He just sort of shrugged and said he was just wondering. I told him the only thing that would bother both me and the family would be if he were to suddenly come to me and confess that he was actually a woman. He just burst out laughing; I thought he was going to fall over. I said that would be a problem but I was going to trust that he is in fact a man in which case all is well. He laughed again and reassured me that no, he's definitely all man. Right away, I could tell he was confident...you know what that means. ;)

So while it is still early for knowing each other, there is something special there; I can feel it. It's the same feeling I got with my other ex and I got to the point that I wanted to marry him. Of course this was before the giant fiasco that killed that thought and also our friendship. So we shall see where this takes us. He's 26, not too old (even though my mom questions it) but I prefer an older man, more mature. Guys my age don't know how to handle themselves let alone a female. I need a guy who is confident in himself, has some idea of what he wants in life, and knows how to handle me both in my future plans, my son, and in the bedroom. ;) Ok, the last one isn't necessary, I can always train him, but pre-trained and confident is always a plus. hehe Speaking of which, the boy claims to be well endowed and I don't doubt it. I asked him if the steriotypical "black guys have big dicks" is true. He sort of laughed and said, "uh...yeah!" I burst out laughing. He said it was for him anyways.

So naturally, I asked what he was and he said he didn't measure. Seriously. He's never measured and he doesn't jack off. Seriously. I thought he was just joking but no he was quite serious. I said wow, I feel like a total horn montster. I was surprised to hear he even watches porn. Here I watch porn and get off usually once a day, sometimes twice. I asked how he watches porn and then does nothing. He said if he gets really horny he'll just go take a shower.

So, I obviously couldn't resist teasing him a little. I told him I was going to cure him of that and proceeded to tell him all the naughty things I was going to do to him. I could tell it was driving him crazy. I can be quite explicit. ;) So once I got him good and ready (I'm sure he had a raging hard on) I told him to get up and get a shower. Cruel aren't I? Then I promptly changed the subject. So now when I see him or talk with him, I occassionally throw in a tidbit of my vivid imagination just to make him crazy. Then I'll get close to him and whisper in his ear that when I see him, I'm always in need of a shower. He just looks at me like if he could, he'd take me right there. Of course we're usually at school in a very public place so he looks all flustered and repeats that I'm driving him crazy. I whisper good and then kiss his neck or just rest my hand on his inner thigh. It wouldn't be glaringly obvious to anyone else but for him it speaks volumes.

I tell him that I feel like the guy in the relationship who is perpetually horny, ready anytime, anywhere, watches porn and gets off every day. Then, he's the good girl that doesn't do any of that and has perfect control. Thats when he looks at me and tells me that in the bedroom, he is anything but the "good girl" with perfect control. He just tells me that when he gets me, it's going to be amazing. I don't doubt it. He is confident, I can tell he knows how to handle himself and a girl and his stamina I'm almost certain is quite good. So I look forward to the day, he seems adventurous as am I, not afraid to do it outside the bedroom (I want to try to get him in a public place during the day as I have twice...great fun with the prospect of getting caught.) and the fact that he is well endowed gives him that extra boost of confidence. Yummy. :) So yes, I think we are matching up quite well and might just be together for quite some time. hehe