Duh

I should really just wear a big sign on my forehead reading "dumbass." I swear, why I let my mind and heart run rampant is beyond me. I write all this crap about the ex I still love and why? Why bother hanging on to the past; it never does anyone any good. I was hanging on to it and just got my ass kicked. Totally and completely kicked.

I asked him why he wanted to see me, really, why. He just sort of started rambling about how complicated everything was. Right away I was like, God Leah, you really are an idiot. Here I was thinking I could still have a future with him and why? God only knows what was going through my head. He said he's fresh out of the divorce (duh) and he will be traveling a lot for the next two years. Of course I didn't tell him that I would move for him, it obviously doesn't matter. He said he didn't want to give me false hopes but really it was me giving myself false hope. Hence the dumbass sign. And he's "not in a mindset to get into another anytime soon." (relationship wise) He also can't commit. Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass. God.

So there, get myself crushed and he tells me not to be pissy. I told him he never gets the full story for me, usually because I'm very vulnerable and why bother showing that when I'll just get shot down? I told him about my current dude and said there, has your decision changed all the sudden? He said no and so I said that's why I don't tell him everything. It doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything. Then he says it looks like I don't want to talk to him so he quits talking to me. It's like, what does he want me to say? I'm crushed, hurt, missing him and acting like a dumbass? What's the point of that?? I tried to tell him he never gets the full picture with me and he seemed offended by that but that's the truth. I won't open myself completely to be rejected. I'm incredibly hurt and he doesn't even know the half of it. Then he gets irritated with me. I don't know what to tell him. Nothing I say will make a difference so why waste my breath? Argh. I'm just such a bloody dumbass I can't believe I let my mind wander so aimlessly.