Confusion

My mind is so confused as of late I hardly know what to think. Even just a week ago I was happy enough with life and now everything has gone topsy-turvy. I have my current boy; he's really great, adores me and has a lot of potential. I look at him and I see a bright future. He has the drive and intelligence needed to succeed and he seems, in general, to be very stable. So I look at him and say yeah, I think we could work. He always asks me about Caleb; I don't think there would be a problem when it would be glaringly obvious that he isn't the father. He is also supportive of numbnuts being involved in Caleb's life seeing as he is the father. So here I have this great guy and my head is still spinning.


Now I've got my ex back in my life. (Not numbnuts although he is now back as well...more on that later.) I know he still loves me and despite how hard I may try to fight it, I still love him. I love him as much as I ever have. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel but what do we do from here? He doesn't know I'm involved with anyone else and truth is, I'd leave my current guy for him. That hardly seems fair considering the current one is smitten with me but my heart is elsewhere. I remeber falling asleep next to him and waking up to have our morning coffee. I would love to feel his arms around me now, more than anyone. This makes me think that I have met the man I am supposed to spend my life with when it has been years since we dated and months since we've even talked and yet I still love him as much (or maybe more) as I did when we were dating.

He's now in Malaysia and it's looking like his company is going to want to keep him there for 6-8 months. I wouldn't be surprised though if at the end they tell him they want him to stay there on a permanent basis, or at least for a few more years. I just sit there and think well fuck. I don't know if he'd come back to see me; I don't know if he'd still want to see me in December; I don't know if we did make it work if he would come back to the States or if I would suddenly be moving to Malaysia. *groan* I don't know; it's killing me. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about him and now I seem to think about him even more. That definitely isn't a good sign for me and current dude. lol I guess at this point I just have to play it by ear but who knows. Maybe we aren't meant to be together and so all of these things that seem to keep coming up is just showing that. Yet the fact that I was willing to move to Houston for him and would now consider moving to Malaysia for him I think says something. It's not like Malaysia has been on the top of my list of places to visit, let alone live. If that's where he is though, that's where I'd go.

I don't know what to do. I wish he would give me some more direction rather than leaving me to my own devises which he probably views as something good, you know, giving me my space. Truth is, right now I'd like him to just tell me point blank what he wants. That would help me make my own decisions seeing as they could be life changing. (Depending on what he tells me.) So, now I wait. It's hard with a twelve hour time difference to get much time to talk. I don't know if maybe I should just ask him what he wants from me? Does he want me as his wife, fuck buddy or just friend? Those are three very different positions and my life changes would depend on the answer. (Or maybe my lack of life changes would depend on the answer.) I wish I could talk to him normally, not having to worry about time difference crap; phone would be nice as well but I'll take the computer if he can manage to get on and talk. :)