Upset

Well the day went from being pretty decent to downright sucky. I got my stats quiz back, got a ten so I was very happy about that. My boy had a meeting so I just had to see him after classes were over and before I went to catch my bus. So we met in the library like we usually do and sat and talked. He had to wait around for some later meeting so that was why he actually had time to sit and chat. lol

He started telling me about how worried he is regarding money for next semeseter. He doesn't have any loans, no job and school is expensive. So, he's stressed. I remember at one point he had said the easiest way to obtain citizenship was being married to a citizen. I laughed and told him I couldn't understand how people could do that. I knew what he was insinuating but didn't want to go there. So then today, we're talking, he's stressed and we started walking towards the bus stop. I tried to reassure him that he was intelligent and would figure something out. He kept saying he didn't know how. So we got to the bus stop and he pulled me away from the group and looked at me. I thought, oh God, what's going through his mind? He said that he really did care about me...marriage. bingo, that's what he was thinking about. So he cares, he does love me and wants to be there to support me and have a good job, yadda yadda. I heard most of it but was like oh God, don't say it, don't say it. Then he sort of stopped and lowered his voice and said we could hit a drivethrough. First off, I've never heard of a drive through wedding so I decided to play dumb even though I knew what he meant.

I just said, drive through? What, like for food? I laughed and he just smiled and said no. I continued to play stupid. That's when he said no, a wedding, marriage. I sort of laughed (sort of) and said that wasn't a wedding. I said when I get married I want a real wedding and of course, weddings take money so that would just have to wait. He said that he didn't know what else to do. I said, again, that he was intelligent and to pray, God would help him. I know that wasn't the response he was looking for but I don't know how he would expect me to just say ok, lets get married, how's Saturday? So as the bus was pulling up, I gave him a kiss and told him not to worry too much, just keep working and he'd figure something out. As I started to walk away he grabbed my hand and asked me to at least think about it. I said ok, he asked if I really would think about it and said again, please think about it. I said ok and got on the bus.

As I was on the bus I did think about it. I thought about what a mess I manage to often get myself in. Here I still love one guy, get totally shot down, then have another I genuinely like only to have him, the very next day, essentially propose. I was like oh God. So I got home and somehow brought up the topic of the two of us. Nothing even remotely close to marriage, just general talking. My mom like flipped out on me. She went on about how I don't need to be in a relationship with anyone, we should just be friends. I told her I liked him, what was the problem. She said I wasn't caring about my son. I asked what he had to do with it and she yelled back that he has everything to do with it. I said he was well aware of Caleb's existence and that he was my top priority. She said it didn't sound like it and turned away.

I then asked what that was supposed to mean. She said it just sounded like I was bouncing from relationship to relationship. I had one with my older ex, we split, over a year later I dated my last ex (Caleb's father) it's been over a year since we split and now I'm interested in someone else. She makes it sound like every other month I have someone new. Then she brought up the fact that he's foreign and I think this is probably what gets me most of all.

He is from Kenya so obviously, he's very black. Obviously, I am white and obviously Caleb is white. I never thought my mom was racist in any way, really didn't...until today. She kept bringing up the fact that he's foreign, it would be glaringly obvious that Caleb isn't his, on and on. I said he already knew I had a child from the very beginning so if that were going to be a problem, he wouldn't have continued talking to me. He also knows Caleb is my everything and he doesn't take that lightly. So she mentioned that if we did stay together, what about future kids. It would be obvious that Caleb had a different father. I asked what that mattered, Caleb would be treated the same as any other kids. She said oh right, ask Caleb that when he's older. I so much wanted to shoot back that she was sounding like a racist bitch and what, ask him to hold off for another ten years so I can then ask Caleb, by the way, he loves you as if you were his own son and he loves me so is it ok if we actually get married? At this time, I can't really say I love him but he is the type that I can love. Then she asked what happens when he decides to go home. I reminded her that I already asked him about that and he had said if he finds someone here he would stay, after all there are a lot more opportunities for him here than back home. So then she brought up the fact that maybe he stays (assuming he doesn't give in to family pressure to return home which I highly doubt that he would) but then the family decides to move here. Oh great, she said, then you'd have a whole bunch of people from his family deciding to move in and then what? I was speechless. Her whole scenario was so rediculous I couldn't even think of what to say. Even if his family were to come to the States, that does not mean they just move in with us. Where on earth she pulled that out of I have no idea. Her ass maybe?

Overall I was really upset. She mentioned the fact that I have slept with my last two exes and so now I have a pattern, it was sounding sleezy. Yeah first it was (my first ex) and you got all fat and stupid with him, then it was the other idiot (my recent ex) and you screwed him. So now what? You gonna screw him too? I was like omfg. I actually started to cry, no she couldn't see me, but I did. She called me sleezy, fat and stupid and makes it sound like I'm some crap mom that doesn't give a rat's ass about her kid. Then she insults my guy on the fact that hes black, foreign and 26. Not like he can do much about it...but apparently it's enough to hold against him. I'm really just flabbergasted at her and how she could say those things to me. Apparently I can only marry a guy that would give me white kids with blue eyes and brown/blonde hair. Sounds like I should just go back to my ex, then all kids would look the same and have the same father, right? I'm upset with everything. ugh.