So, a couple months ago I spilled my sob story here about my old love and then ex-friend. Since then, I've gotten a few generic forward emails, nothing personal. Then today, I, along with everyone else in his address book, got an email saying he was leaving for Malasia and Singapore and here was his new phone number. I debated writing him but wondered if I really wanted to open that door again. I asked my mom (shes essentially my shrink lol) and she said it was up to me. Not very helpful. So I sent just a quick note saying good luck and to be careful. Two sentences, that was it. He responded saying he'd like to talk to me and asked for my number. I, somewhat jokingly asked if he'd already deleted me and then gave it to him. He just said not to get pissy and he'd call me in a bit.
Sure enough, he called. He sounded happy enough on the phone, I doubt I sounded all that perky. Truth is, I wasn't sure what to think. I remember quite well how nasty he had been with me and how hurt I was but I also remember what we used to be. So I sat there in the middle, talked as if I was simply talking with an acquaintance, certainly not an old friend. He sort of mentioned that things were rough for him, especially since we'd last talked a few months back. He left it open for me to ask about what hapened but I didn't. I just said oh, that sucks and moved on.
So now we are talking more. I've let him know some of what I feel and he seemed genuinely surprised at the emotions I never previously showed him. It really isn't my nature to show all my emotions or cry in front of people. I mentioned that to him and he said I could cry with him but I feel like a nitwit. I can cry in front of my mom and sister but they are really the only ones that see it. So really long story short, I'd say we're friends again. Dynamics are a bit different but still friends.
So now comes the puzzling question of what to do. He wants to come see me in December before my surgery. I don't know how he'd get time off work and be able to get a flight down. Anyways, I've told him no as of this point because I don't know how I'd handle it. He said we could meet as friends but I told him it wouldn't be just that and he knew it just as well as I did. He still doesn't really understand, he accepts it, but doesn't understand. I don't have to see him now to know I still love him as much as I always did. So if I see him again and then that's the end of it, it'll be hard for me all over again.
Now my dilemma begins all over again. I am seeing a great guy who has a lot of potential but I still love another great guy who is living all the potential he's always had. I haven't told him about my current dude, right now I don't see the point and it might only hurt him. I do need to figure something out though preferably sooner rather than later. Newbie is smitten with me and has even said he loves me. I don't think he's known me long enough to really love me but I don't know; only an individual can really know when they are in love and I would hope at 26 he would know the difference. I can't say I love him though because I don't. I have only said that to one person and I said it because I meant it.
He mentioned coming to see me in December before my surgery and as I was talking to my mom, I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. I had always told her (and him) that I needed to see him around Caleb to be fully reassured that he could handle him. I mentioned that to my mom; she said that would mean I have to actually let him come and see how he reacts. So now I don't know what to do with the two men. I can't have both, theres only one I really want but I'm not sure I can have, but am reasonably sure I could be happy with the other. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. So I don't know. I think maybe I should let him come in December, see how it goes. Although I'll then feel like I'm somehow cheating on my current dude. He seems to think he's falling in love with me, he's the type I could fall in love with but my love is still taken by somebody else. Now I wonder what I'll do if I see him in December and (as I'm thinking is highly possible) we decide to work something out. How do I tell current boy? It's like yeah, I really like you, you're very sweet and have great potential, but.... I've told him I've been in love once but never given him the whole story, it's not one he really needs to know. So now if I'm anticipating someone else, it's like I'm cheating on him. Fuck. So now I just play it by ear. *sigh*
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