Holy crap, has it really been 5 months since I last wrote? That's not to say I haven't had plenty going on; in fact, the opposite seems to be true. I often feel that my life is like a roller coaster: it's going great for a while until the peak hits and then it's all down hill from there. Once I hit rock bottom and feel like I'm going to pull my hair out, the climb starts again. Crazy really...
An old friend reconnected with me and explained why we had such a huge falling out. In short, it was my fault as it seems to always be. I said some insensitive things that in hindsight I probably shouldn't have said, he said some things I feel he shouldn't have said but to which he stands by. He said I am stubborn and essentially have no "wiggle room." It's my way or the highway kind of thing. In a way, he's right. I have certain things I can and cannot accept, mostly for my own sanity and protection.
I was told by another that I am stubborn and unbending. I could be happily married but choose to hold to my pride and be unforgiving. Another told me he'd gladly marry me and have ten kids with me. I reminded them both that they left me with a broken heart and call me prideful, unbending or a slew of other words, I won't go back. Maybe a support group should be started for the men I seem to hurt and I'll be my own support group for what I seem to do to myself.
I fear more an unhappy marriage than being heartbroken and single. I don't feel I'll never find my soulmate but even if I don't, I'd rather remain single than go through a divorce and have kids, a house, money and whatnot involved. I know it sounds pessimistic but if a relationship can't work as just dating, how on earth would a marriage survive? Call my selfish but I can't put my heart out there multiple times for men that have already broken it once.
I sure can pick em can't I? It's amazing though, I don't know if it's because I've been dropping weight right and left or because I've just decided what I can and can't accept from men and that makes it simpler from my point of view, but they seem to be crawling out of the woodwork. I am currently dating a great guy who, at least for the time being, has put up with my complications of being a mom and not being able to get away much. I had another (total cutie btw) try to slyly ask me on a date a couple times but I let it slide by because of my current dude. Had I not been seeing anyone, I would have jumped on the opportunity but I acted as if I hadn't realized what he was going for. Another guy is determined to make me his girlfriend after having gone on one date a while ago (before current guy) and nothing I do can seem to convince him otherwise. Another constantly talks to me, smiles and is totally hot as while. I'd ask him out as well...
My mom simply laughs and says I have big boobs and that hourglass figure which shows I have curves without being a string bean. One of my guy friends: "And your ass! Love your ass!" lol So yes, definitely getting closer to where I want to be and plenty of hot dudes are noticing. I'm happy with the man I have and wouldn't betray his trust by seeing anyone else but hey, if it doesn't work out, I have backups as to who I'd ask out.
On other notes, my son is most likely autistic and apraxic so I'm looking at getting him into a school that deals with apraxic children. I think he would do phenominally because they use sign language and speech at the same time. He, my mom and I are all learning sign language at home and he is picking it up at a very quick rate. The words we know, we use with him along with the speech and he uses the signs as well as his "version" of the words. His one speech therapist is against the school for who knows what reason. She seems so desperate for him to talk after a year of therapy that she's convinced he doesn't have any real problems and thus wouldn't need special help or sign language. I like her as a person but as a therapist, she's starting to get on my nerves. I really enjoy learning sign language. I have always liked new languages and this one just makes sense. It seems difficult when you're just watching someone who is fluent in it but once it's broken down piece by piece, it's so simple. I ask my son simple sentences in sign like, "Do you want to go on a walk?" or "Are you hungry?" and he is able to respond in sign so that I can get him what he wants. It has removed so much frustration for him. He tries to say the words that he wants and I am able to understand him and the signing has taken that pressure off. Plus, it's just cool to know that you can say anything you want with only your hands. :)
I've been seizure free since December so let's hope I am able to keep that up through June. I have to go six months without issues before I am able to drive. The longest I have made it is five months before I had two grand mal seizures and thus the countdown started all over again. My home life is rather sucky and tense, I think because I am feeling that need for more independence and I'm feeling trapped. My mom feels I don't do anything, I feel her expectations are unreasonable and what I do is never good enough so I'm unmotivated to do anything extra. So it's a lose-lose battle. I don't know that driving would necessarily solve it but it would alleviate some of the pressure of her having to drive me everywhere. Just hope my little brain doesn't go on the fritz!
I guess that's the low-down of what's been going on these past months. It's been good, it's been bad and it's been ugly. Daughtry's "No Surprise" has been stuck in my mind for days and I'm not entirely sure why. The last time I had that stuck in my mind for days was after a breakup and I was very upset. It's a good "upset song." Maybe I need to get out my ipod and blare some Nickelback. Nickelback is my angry, pick-me-up, get me moving, wake me up, whatever I need it to be, there's always a song in there that will do what I need it to do. I think I have two or three albums of theirs on there so that's pretty much what I listen to when I need to be on the go. So, that's the end of my saga and now it's class time!
