Part 1

I really wonder where it went wrong with him. We didn't actually "date" very long: only 5 months. Actually, I broke up with him twice. I remember the last time I just cried and cried. It was like, I felt the relationship was moving to fast. He seemed to be thinking more long term and I wasn't sure I was ready for that so I got freaked and ran. Maybe it wasn't the best way to handle it but in the end, it didn't really matter. We essentially stayed together for over a year. I never saw anyone else, neither did he, we still had each other.

When I left OSU, I left behind a huge part of my life. I considered campus my sort of home, my friends were dear to me and him, he was my everything. Of course, he graduated and moved far away and I came back home to Kentucky. I did go and visit him once. I was already pregnant and that in and of itself was hard. I remember telling him and he sort of flipped out, asked how I could be so stupid and asked if I was going to keep the baby. I remember at one point he sort of hinted at whether I was ready or if I would just terminate the pregnancy. I told him I would never kill my innocent child and if he didn't know me better than that then he had some real issues. I told him never to bring that up again or we would cease to talk. Naturally it was dropped and the question of adoption or raising the child myself came up. When I did go down to visit him I was a few months pregnant but was not showing at all. It was like the reality hadn't actually set in for him yet.

When I was with him, it was like being at home again. I loved waking up next to him, having coffee with him and going out to this Arabic restaurant for lunch. I guess it was then that it really solidified in my mind that I could marry him and despite the many arguments and quirks we both have, I could and did still love him. Then I invited him to come to my house for Thanksgiving since he didn't have any family here or really any close friends. He told me he'd look into it. I knew right then he wouldn't come. Sure enough, he didn't even look at flights until about 2 weeks before and everyone knows that tickets by then are outrageously expensive and thus he couldn't come. Imagine that. I knew it was because my son had already been born, only a few weeks old at that point.

He told me he was going to India to see his family; it had been over 2 years since he had been home. I was happy for him because I knew he missed his family. I remember telling my mom that he would probably come back engaged. His family had been pushing him ever since I met him to get married, they would arrange it for him. He had always said no but since I seemed to be out of the picture, I thought he might meet some nice Indian girl and give in to his parents' pressure. Well I was right. He called me up (I swear he was drunk) and told me he was engaged. I sounded surprised but on the inside I really wasn't. I actually sat at home and cried. I guess some part of me was still holding on to the hope that we could still be together, maybe not at the present, but someday when he could get over the fact that I had a child with someone else.

Then, just a few days after that he called me again saying he was married. That actually did shock me. Engaged yes, married no. He had told me they'd wait a few months but then said his parents wouldn't let him leave the country unless he was married. (My mom thought they did that because they didn't think he'd return.) I naturally thought that was crap, no one can force you to stay and marry someone unless you consent to it. But in the end, it didn't matter. He was a married man; all my hopes for a future with him were crushed. He was with a woman he barely knew and didn't love.