Reflections

Yesterday I was looking at some of my old posts and realized I've been writing on this blog for over two years now. It's always amazing to look back and see how much has changed in two years.

I was still at OSU, young, in love and wasting too much of my time. I had some of my best experiences up there but some that would only create havoc down the road. Hind-sight is always 20/20.

I had such high hopes when I first graduated high school. I graduated at 16 with a 3.5 GPA that I had to work hard for. I was accepted at OSU which was my first choice college and going to study Arabic, a language I had been wanting to learn for quite a while. I was restricted a lot in high school, mainly because my grades seemed to be all over the place for a while and that made my mom angry. Thus, she took away pretty much all of my freedoms and I didn't have much of a social life throughout high school. It started to really turn around for me in my junior year; I had made it past the dreaded sophomore year which at my high school was the hardest year and usually when the most people dropped out. So things got easier and then my senior year I took several AP classes and did fairly well. They definitely helped my GPA and those last two years were what really brought me out of the hole. And no, keeping me locked up at the house didn't help to motivate me, it made me rather depressed for quite a while and I had many battles with myself. Some of them still pop up on me today but I have much better control now.

My issues from high school I think sort of carried over to my college career. I was away from home and I was happy to have freedom and I took too much advantage of that. I couldn't seem to motivate myself to sit down and do well. Some classes I did well, others I totally bombed. I worked at a popular food spot on campus and there met my boyfriend. I'd had boyfriends before but none were like him. It's rather hard to explain but when you find someone special you just know. I scared him a bit at first and we used to joke about that quite a bit. Still, we became very close (obviously) and I wanted to spend most of my time with him. That was hardly his fault, I should have had the common sense to put my studies first and the relationship after. There's that good ole 20/20 view coming back into play.

After my mom yanked me from OSU because I wasn't doing so hot and the tuition was too expensive for my current grades I got a rather nasty wake up call. Why it took the extreme who knows. I saw the future that I wanted get flushed and had to start planning an entirely different path to get where I wanted to go. Still, I worked it out as best I could in my mind and thus began school again at a university near my house, NKU, which I call the cement prison. (Everything is cement...)

I got my act together and started doing really well and sure enough my GPA is being rescued from the pit of despair. While there I met another guy who I had actually gone to high school with. He was one of the poor souls that couldn't make it past sophomore year. We had not been friends but for some reason we clicked in college. We started dating and while I never did fall in love with him I enjoyed my time with him. That is, until I got pregnant. That was definitely not in the game plan.

I cannot begin to explain the heartache I felt when I first found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, worse than that really but that's the best word I can think of to describe it. I remember calling Malisa, a family friend, sobbing and telling her I didn't know what I was going to do. How was I going to tell my mom? How was I going to tell Matt, the boyfriend? He took it well which I was surprised at; my mom did not which I expected. The first couple months I cried plenty; I didn't have the support Matt had promised me, I was constantly reminded of the disappointment I had caused myself and my family. I was right back in my little hole and with time I had to learn to climb out of it and rework my life once again to fit in a child.

While I still loved my ex-beau from OSU and knew he loved me, I realized any future we could have maybe had together was gone. I couldn't really blame him; not many men can take back a girl that broke his heart and had another guy's baby. I was hoping to stay at least friends but I am thinking now I have also lost that. He was my best guy friend (yes you can have a best girl friend and a best guy friend) and very much a part of me. Still, he is now married and our lives have gone in very different directions.

Given all of this though, I have my little boy, Caleb, who I wouldn't trade for the world. Something about that first time I held him in my arms made it all worth it. All the frustration I had gone through while being pregnant, feeling terrified and anxious, feeling betrayed and turned against only to realize who some of my true friends really are, all of it culminated to that one moment when he was handed to me.

Now he is seven months, sitting up and babbling constantly. He's trying to crawl although not always successfully; he's more interested in standing up. I am going into my senior year at school, still doing very well and at my current rate, will graduate with a decent GPA. Considering the abomination it was before, I will be extremely happy.

Yes in two years a lot has happened, I never could have imagined I would be where I am now. It's rather funny, another friend of mine who I knew from high school has also at times been amazed at where I am, both good and bad. I was the sort of quiet good girl in high school. I sang in the choir, was one hell of an orator but didn't go out much. Then I turned into some wild child and got pregnant. Nope, I don't think anyone saw that coming. lol Still, I have yet another game plan, now the third and hopefully the last. After I graduate I am going to go back to OSU. The thought that I could be defeated by a language that two year olds can learn bothers me to no end. I am good with languages; I will not say that I failed at one I set out to learn. So I have to take the round about way and have several detours but in the end, I am still going to say I accomplished what I set out to do.